Yesterday marked four months for Steve and I. But, he broke up with me yesterday. I cried the whole day, which is understandable. He felt like he was hurting me, and he also had his own problems he needed to deal with.
I was heart-broken, but for some reason when I woke up, I felt like this weight had been lifted from my weak shoulders. I cared about Steve, and he made my world go around, but I finally admitted to myself that he was in fact hurting me.
I loved him more than words can say; more than I ever loved Jordan, and A.J.
For some reason I just feel better, even though he meant the world to me. Every time I saw him, everybody, and everything disappeared. I felt like I could be me. I felt real love. But now, I feel better than I ever have. I feel free, and I know he feels that too.
Even though he was so sweet to me, and cared about me, along with complimenting me non-stop, there was no true relationship. He couldn't make time to see me. I made excuses for him, but that did nothing but hurt me. He was almost 18, and he didn't make enough of an effort to come see me; he let me down a lot.
There were no dates, no kisses, and I really couldn't rely on him. That is a problem.
Thanks to my mom, and dad alike, I realized that this was for the better. I feel like I know what I want. I finally feel like I actually deserve better that what I was getting. I've realized that this isn't the end, but the beginning, and unfortunately, it took three guys to help me figure that out, even though I don't need a guy for one, nor do I need one to make me feel good. I need to seek out good feelings in myself by what I do, and why I do it.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, and it was a nice change. I shook my head at everything Steve said, but it's all true, and I'm glad I could find that. I feel stronger that ever. I can now have time to fix myself; to try to get rid of my insecurities.
I will prepare myself for future relationships. I will no longer go into a relationship feeling weak, and bad about myself. If I can do that, I will have strength to know how a relationship should be. Even though I will become stronger, I will still feel the hurt of an ending relationship, yet, I will know if something's up, and if I need to leave for me.
I guess I can say thank you to Steve for making me realize this. I can't hate him, and I can't be bitter about this. I'm brushing my shoulders off, and starting new, which is something I've needed to do for a long time. He was a great friend, but for once, I can truthfully say that I'd rather it be that way. The relationship was great while it lasted, but I feel better now that it's over.
Thank you Steve, for helping me find me.
