That's what I've decided.
Away from school.
The band.
Friends.
Family.
And everything else that isn't JUST ME.
I'm tired. I'm burnt. And I need time to breathe.
I feel overwhelmed. I'm stressed.
I don't feel myself. I feel like a robot right now.
I feel like I'm constantly moving, but I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm just stuck.
Burnt is the perfect word to describe it. Just, burnt.
I don't want to deal with people right now. I just want to sit back and deal with my own problems right now, not everybody else's.
I just want to drop everything for a week. Give myself time to think, and breathe, and to get away from my robotic state right now.
I'm done!
No more!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Confronting the past.. part II
*I look at the clock.*
Dad should be here any minute now.
"Hey Brittany, should I bring over some Barbies?"
"Yeah. I wanna play again."
"But this time, I'm going to use the red car, cuz you got to last time, and now I want to."
"But I didn't get to play with it long."
"But I didn't get to yesterday!"
"Fine."
It's my turn.
I wonder if he's here yet..
*I walk out of the apartment, and I see dad start to pull up.*
"Dad's here!"
"Okay."
"Hi daddy!"
"Hey girls."
"Hi dad."
"Well, let's go now, so I can catch the liquor store before it closes."
Again?.. Didn't we just do that yesterday?..
"Okay.."
*A couple hours later.*
"H-hey girls! Come in here.. in the kitchen!"
It's lecture time..
"Yeah?.."
I wish I could run away..
*He talks away. His voice starts to raise. His eyes are getting red, and he's squinting.*
I can't hear you.. I can't hear you.. I can't hear you.. I can't hear you...
*Hours pass. The bottle is almost gone.*
I can't hear you. I can't hear you. I can't hear you!!!
*He keeps talking, and taking shots. Vodka. Vodka. Vodka.. He starts to stagger.*
"Dad, I'm tired, it's 11."
"Hold on, I'm not d-done talking. Just listen... to me."
*My eyes get heavy.*
I need to run away.
*It's 11:30 now.*
Finally. He's done talking. I'm free.
*I head to bed, halfway in tears..*
Dad should be here any minute now.
"Hey Brittany, should I bring over some Barbies?"
"Yeah. I wanna play again."
"But this time, I'm going to use the red car, cuz you got to last time, and now I want to."
"But I didn't get to play with it long."
"But I didn't get to yesterday!"
"Fine."
It's my turn.
I wonder if he's here yet..
*I walk out of the apartment, and I see dad start to pull up.*
"Dad's here!"
"Okay."
"Hi daddy!"
"Hey girls."
"Hi dad."
"Well, let's go now, so I can catch the liquor store before it closes."
Again?.. Didn't we just do that yesterday?..
"Okay.."
*A couple hours later.*
"H-hey girls! Come in here.. in the kitchen!"
It's lecture time..
"Yeah?.."
I wish I could run away..
*He talks away. His voice starts to raise. His eyes are getting red, and he's squinting.*
I can't hear you.. I can't hear you.. I can't hear you.. I can't hear you...
*Hours pass. The bottle is almost gone.*
I can't hear you. I can't hear you. I can't hear you!!!
*He keeps talking, and taking shots. Vodka. Vodka. Vodka.. He starts to stagger.*
"Dad, I'm tired, it's 11."
"Hold on, I'm not d-done talking. Just listen... to me."
*My eyes get heavy.*
I need to run away.
*It's 11:30 now.*
Finally. He's done talking. I'm free.
*I head to bed, halfway in tears..*
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Confronting the past..
*buzzer goes off*
*suddenly, I awaken. I yawn.*
7:00 a.m. Time to get ready for school.
"Brittany, wake up, we need to get ready fer school.. *no movement*.. wake up!"
*I pull the covers off her, and poke her a few times*
"Wha-what? School.. I'm.. up."
"Lemme down first.. *I climb down the ladder*.."
"Carrera? Do you see bear?"
"No, I think he's with Super Brittany.."
"Yeah.."
*I walk to my dresser, and pick out random clothes, and so does my sister*
*I get dressed, then head to the bathroom*
*I get out of the bathroom*
"I don't think there's any more bread fer breakfes.."
"Oh.. I'm hungry Carrera.."
"We don't have anything ta eat."
.. Again..
"Dad's still sleeping.."
.. Again..
"My tummy is growly Carrera.."
"Mine too.."
*I go to sit on the couch*
"Good morning Shadow."
*I pet the cat*
.. I'm really hungry..
.. I wish I'd stop shaking..
"When is dad gonna fix the fridge?"
"I dunno.."
"Carrera, I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"Why don't we have food to eat Carrera?"
"I dunno."
.. I wish I could just run away. I wish me and Britt could run away. And Super Carrera, and Super Brittany would come too. And Crash would come too. And Nicky and Abby, and Shadow..
"We need to get to the bus stop."
"Okay.. bye daddy.. *Brittany whispers as she's walking out the door.. he's in the bedroom down the hall..*
*Carrera sighs..*
*suddenly, I awaken. I yawn.*
7:00 a.m. Time to get ready for school.
"Brittany, wake up, we need to get ready fer school.. *no movement*.. wake up!"
*I pull the covers off her, and poke her a few times*
"Wha-what? School.. I'm.. up."
"Lemme down first.. *I climb down the ladder*.."
"Carrera? Do you see bear?"
"No, I think he's with Super Brittany.."
"Yeah.."
*I walk to my dresser, and pick out random clothes, and so does my sister*
*I get dressed, then head to the bathroom*
*I get out of the bathroom*
"I don't think there's any more bread fer breakfes.."
"Oh.. I'm hungry Carrera.."
"We don't have anything ta eat."
.. Again..
"Dad's still sleeping.."
.. Again..
"My tummy is growly Carrera.."
"Mine too.."
*I go to sit on the couch*
"Good morning Shadow."
*I pet the cat*
.. I'm really hungry..
.. I wish I'd stop shaking..
"When is dad gonna fix the fridge?"
"I dunno.."
"Carrera, I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"Why don't we have food to eat Carrera?"
"I dunno."
.. I wish I could just run away. I wish me and Britt could run away. And Super Carrera, and Super Brittany would come too. And Crash would come too. And Nicky and Abby, and Shadow..
"We need to get to the bus stop."
"Okay.. bye daddy.. *Brittany whispers as she's walking out the door.. he's in the bedroom down the hall..*
*Carrera sighs..*
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Plan
I've got a plan to destroy.
I've got a plan to destroy.
I've got a plan to destroy my everything.
I've got a plan to destroy my enemy.
I've got a plan to explore.
I've got a plan to explore.
I've got a plan to explore my everything.
I've got a plan to explore my enemy.
I've got a plan to escape.
I've got a plan to escape.
I've got a plan to escape my everything.
I've got a plan to escape my enemy.
Searching.
Searching.
Breathing.
Breaking through my skin.
Running.
Hiding.
Fighting.
Kill the hatred within.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
How much more can I take?
How much more can I take?
How much more can I take from all of this?
How much more can I take till you dismiss?
How much more can I hurt?
How much more can I hurt?
How much more can I hurt from all your words?
How much more can I hurt from the useless words!?
Searching.
Searching.
Breathing.
Breaking through my skin.
Running.
Hiding.
Fighting.
Kill my hatred within.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
I won't fall to your feet..
I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm slipping, and losing all that's me.
I'm hanging onto lost hope.
I'm slipping, and screaming, LET ME BE!
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
No more!
I won't fall to your feet no more.
No more!
I won't fall to your feet, I'm through with this.
I've got a plan to destroy.
I've got a plan to destroy my everything.
I've got a plan to destroy my enemy.
I've got a plan to explore.
I've got a plan to explore.
I've got a plan to explore my everything.
I've got a plan to explore my enemy.
I've got a plan to escape.
I've got a plan to escape.
I've got a plan to escape my everything.
I've got a plan to escape my enemy.
Searching.
Searching.
Breathing.
Breaking through my skin.
Running.
Hiding.
Fighting.
Kill the hatred within.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
How much more can I take?
How much more can I take?
How much more can I take from all of this?
How much more can I take till you dismiss?
How much more can I hurt?
How much more can I hurt?
How much more can I hurt from all your words?
How much more can I hurt from the useless words!?
Searching.
Searching.
Breathing.
Breaking through my skin.
Running.
Hiding.
Fighting.
Kill my hatred within.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
I won't fall to your feet..
I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm slipping, and losing all that's me.
I'm hanging onto lost hope.
I'm slipping, and screaming, LET ME BE!
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.
You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
No more!
I won't fall to your feet no more.
No more!
I won't fall to your feet, I'm through with this.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Too busy..
I feel like I have no time for the people who mean the most to me.
Chelsea being the person in general.
The last time I saw her was her birthday which was early this month, and before that, it had been over a couple months since I had last seen her. I feel like the worst friend in the world.
All of a sudden, the band had taken a big step into the whole music business; shows, recording, practice, and miscellaneous. I have no time for a lot of things. Family, friends, and other things I enjoy to do.
I've been looking for a job lately, and that will be yet another thing to add to my plate. I need a license, but then I'm sure I'll be driving Britt and Kaitlyn around, even though I won't even have time for that.
To get back to the Chelsea thing, it makes me feel bad that I can't hang out with her like I used to be able to. And it hit me a few days ago, and I almost broke down and cried. I don't want to be replaced like I already feel like I am in a way. I feel like a jerk.
But, I know she understands, but I won't lie, I still feel like the worst friend ever. I can only imagine what it will be like when I move to L.A. with the guys to further pursue our career. I'll only get to see her a few times a year.
She's like the best friend I've ever had, and I feel like I'm killing our friendship.
I hate it. I have no idea what to do.
Chelsea being the person in general.
The last time I saw her was her birthday which was early this month, and before that, it had been over a couple months since I had last seen her. I feel like the worst friend in the world.
All of a sudden, the band had taken a big step into the whole music business; shows, recording, practice, and miscellaneous. I have no time for a lot of things. Family, friends, and other things I enjoy to do.
I've been looking for a job lately, and that will be yet another thing to add to my plate. I need a license, but then I'm sure I'll be driving Britt and Kaitlyn around, even though I won't even have time for that.
To get back to the Chelsea thing, it makes me feel bad that I can't hang out with her like I used to be able to. And it hit me a few days ago, and I almost broke down and cried. I don't want to be replaced like I already feel like I am in a way. I feel like a jerk.
But, I know she understands, but I won't lie, I still feel like the worst friend ever. I can only imagine what it will be like when I move to L.A. with the guys to further pursue our career. I'll only get to see her a few times a year.
She's like the best friend I've ever had, and I feel like I'm killing our friendship.
I hate it. I have no idea what to do.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Spring break..
Has been pretty much uneventful. It's kinda sad to say that. I haven't had band practice at all. Haven't hung out with Chelsea yet. Haven't even finished the picture I started to draw.
Just a lazy spring break. I've played a lot of video games, which isn't the most exciting thing in the world, but hey, I did something.
I'm at Brandon's house right now though, which is cool. We stayed up late last night playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and that was pretty fun. And now I'm just sitting here blogging. Fun stuff, let me tell you.
I'll probably start drawing the picture I was planning on starting a few days ago when I get home. Hopefully I can create another Kurt Cobain like picture. I'd be pretty excited if I managed to do that again.
Anyways, just wanted to blog to maybe waste some time.
Peace out, Rock on
Chazzy Chaz Hetfield
Just a lazy spring break. I've played a lot of video games, which isn't the most exciting thing in the world, but hey, I did something.
I'm at Brandon's house right now though, which is cool. We stayed up late last night playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and that was pretty fun. And now I'm just sitting here blogging. Fun stuff, let me tell you.
I'll probably start drawing the picture I was planning on starting a few days ago when I get home. Hopefully I can create another Kurt Cobain like picture. I'd be pretty excited if I managed to do that again.
Anyways, just wanted to blog to maybe waste some time.
Peace out, Rock on
Chazzy Chaz Hetfield
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