Wow

I finally made up my mind.

I'm sticking with the guys. That's the end of it. We're going to start looking for another singer; Christian can scream fine, but he can't really sing.

I'm kind of excited to start playing hardcore. It's going to be a fun challenge for me, because bass is really fast in hardcore music.

I'm ready to stick with my boys until the end.

But, I'm still going to be writing my own music; I'll have my one woman band on the side.

This is going to work out perfectly.


Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

To Cry A Million Tears..

Crack, goes my back.
Broken for good.
Bleeding for eternity.
Tears rolling down my face.

I'm broken for good.

Nothing can un-break this heart.
Nothing can.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

Trust is a word I don't know.
Pain is tattooed onto my face.

Rejection is my lifestyle.
It kills me like a poison.
Slowly.

All I can do now is cry.
Cry everything away.
Cry away the blood.
Cry away the hate.
Cry away the pain.
Cry away the rejection.

All I can do now is cry.

The World That Broke Her Back

The world that broke her back,
Sits on her shoulders in flames.
Her flesh starts to tear,
But still she holds on.

Once again the problems take her down with them.
Twisting, and fighting like beasts, they crawl underneath her skin,
Pulling her from the only one she really knows;
Herself.

They're snickering, and pointing fingers.
They point fingers and blame her,
And she listens.
She listens to every single accusation.
To all the hypocrites, and all the liars.
She listens, and starts to believe the words being said.

The world shifts upon her back, and she is losing strength.
She still holds the world on her shoulders though,
Not realizing the harm being done to her.
The world is taking a toll, slowly and destructively.

Every move the world moves,
her skin is torn and bruised.
She feels it, but knows not how to put an end to this.
She faces the world that broke her back.

I used to know that girl.

Many months have passed..

Since the incident with my dad occurred, and things have changed drastically.

I'm in awe that I can say things have gotten better, because when this first happened, I felt like things wouldn't ever get better. There were points where I doubted faith, but God had shown me what His purpose was, and thanks to that, I've grown closer to Him. I've grown closer to my dad too, and Judy, and Kaitlyn, Brittany, and my mom.

My dad has been doing great. It's weird to look in the fridge and not see any beer, or any alcohol. He's not smoking pot anymore either. It's weird, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

He's a whole new person. He's fun to be around, and will now joke around with everybody instead of giving us all dirty looks all the time. He cries when he feels like crying. He has changed into a dad that I want to be around.

No more drinking, yelling, accusing, lecturing, and even hiding.

It's different now, and I couldn't be happier.

Searching

For a job.

Kind of nerve racking. But, kind of exciting at the same time.

I want a car, and a bass amp, and a million Cd's. I think getting a job will be pretty cool. I don't know why I wasn't motivated to get one sooner.

But, I'm motivated now to do it, so, here I go out into the world of work.. yay?

I had a dream.

I was falling into a green light.
Flames engulfed me.
I tried to scream, but all I could do was whisper.
I whispered secrets.
Deep, dark secrets nobody knows but me.

I hit ground, and lied there for ten seconds, then I got up and blood was running down my cheek.
I rubbed my hand across my face, looked at the blood, and then I looked up to a hole in the pit I was in.
There was light.
All of a sudden, the light starts to dim.

I feel a hand touch my face.
It was not my own, but it was the hand of a man.
He put his other hand on my other cheek.
He looked deep in my eyes, and my heart stopped instantly.
I fell to the ground.

I can still see him, as I lay on the ground.
He gets on his knees, and leans over me.
He rolls me over onto my back.
He looks into my eyes again, and I am able to breathe suddenly.

His dark hair was shining from the light above us.
His dark eyes gazed into mine as I started breathing again.
He looked to the side of me, as if he were shying away.
I grab his face, and move it toward me, and he leans closer to me.
I start to smile, but then I roll to the other side of him and push myself up.

I sit down a few feet from him, with my back almost directly toward him.
He comes in a little closer, and I can feel him looking at me.
I turn my head slightly toward him, and he turns his head away.
An awkward feeling fills the air.
He then puts his hand on my shoulder.

Suddenly, I'm in a place I've never been in.
It was bright, beautiful, and almost Heaven-like.
I panic for a second when I turn my head to the left and don't see him.
But, then I turn to my right, and he's right next to me.
I can see his whole figure now.

He looks at me and smiles; the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.
My heart stops again, but this time, only for a few seconds.
I gasp for air, and I'm able to breathe again.
He was an incredible thing to me.
His eyes were like nothing I had ever seen.
A deep blueish-gray.

As I looked into his eyes again, I began to feel as if I were in a trance.
So tranquil, and so surreal.
I was lost, and trapped.
Nothing I had ever seen pulled me in as fast as his eyes.

I slowly pull myself away from him, and I realize he's gone.

Then I woke up..



.. not really a dream I had, but it was a random thought..

My decision was made..

And I was confident.. for a little bit. Right now, I'm still not sure if I want to stay with the band. We had practice a few days ago, and it went okay, but for some reason afterwards, it felt weird.

It didn't help that Christian was being a jerk, and a hypocrite. It's hard to be in a band with him. It's kind of black and white; we either get along great, or not at all. It's frustrating because I try to be open minded, but he doesn't.

I want to get along with him, but it doesn't seem like he wants to get along with me. When this whole thing started, both Austin and Taylor acted sad about the fact that I was thinking about leaving, but Christian acted like it was no big deal.

I just need more time to think about this.. I'll say it again, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make..

When I look in the mirror.

I see a kid.

Everything about me, to me, reminds me of a kid. I'm not quite sure why that is though.

Maybe it's because I wish I still was, because I've grown up pretty fast. I'll be a senior next year, and that's a big deal. It's exciting, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm really almost 18 years old.

Maybe it's because I'm so short, ha ha! The mirror at my mom's is kinda high up, and I can only really see the top of my shoulders through it, so that might be it.

But, I'm just not sure.

That was my random thought of the day..

Number 60.

My 60th entry. Not bad. I don't write as much as I could, but maybe that's because I have so many different outlets.

One of which is art. I made a DeviantART account. If you want to check up on how my art has been going, then use the link below:

http://chaz-het.deviantart.com/

I update it every few days if I have drawn something, or written something. It's a pretty righteous site.

So, check it out if you're interested whatsoever.

That is all for now..

The world I made up.

There is this thing called the world; its name is Earth.

I live on it with these things called human beings. They aren't perfect; they like to lie, steal, cheat, and hurt. Sometimes they can be nice, but most times, that's not true.

There are 9 planets, or other worlds, not just Earth. Earth is just a fraction of this whole thing I call a universe. It's small, and meaningless compared to this thing I call God.

I believe in God. A creator. He provides me with unconditional love. It's nice to believe, because the humans can be cruel.

I live in a thing called a house. It's surrounded by things called trees; blooming, green trees. In theory, us humans believe that trees provide us with oxygen, which keeps us alive. We breathe in oxygen, and breathe out carbon dioxide. It's how we live. It helps us pump this substance through our body called blood, through one of the most crucial organs in a humans' body, the heart.

The heart can get broken through the loss of love, and it can also fail by disease, and other human problems.

There is this concept called death; one lives their life, and dies, lives no more, and birth is a part of all of this too. Birth is the beginning of the process, and death is the end.

But I believe there's more past death. The creator has a kingdom where His followers go after death. When His son comes down to Earth, he will bring all of His followers to His kingdom. This is what I believe.

I am a human being. I have flesh, which holds my body together. I bleed, and I cry, and I hurt, and this is how humans live.

We have eyes which help us to comprehend the world through a concept called sight. We have a mouth which helps us to comprehend the world through a concept called taste. We have limbs, arms and legs, which help us to comprehend the world through a concept called touch. We have a nose which helps us to comprehend the world through a concept called smell. We have ears which help us to comprehend the world through a concept called hearing.

Here on this world, humans like to destroy things, explore things, learn things, and even kill things. We like to figure out this world. We want to understand the question, "why?" We can't help to do this, as it's in our nature.

We study things. We study how things work, and even how they crumble to the floor helplessly.

Humans run on this thing called love. It's a relationship between different human beings, and is based around sex, pain, happiness, and even anger. We live off of this thing called love, and without it, we feel alone. Alone is merely a feeling. It's a feeling that creates pain in humans; to be alone is to have nobody to love you, or have no one to love. Without love, our hearts are broken.

In this world, there is a concept called modern society. It consists of culture, ethnicity, and image.

Image is the most important to the eyes of humans. The way the body is shaped, how a human reacts, and even how the body is mature sexually all create image. Sex is a major component to image, along with the image of the body.

On this world, humans live to obsess, to love, and to reproduce. We live to create and live goals, which are things that humans live for, and work toward.

Dreams are another part of a humans' makeup. Through a process called sleep, humans live in another world, called a dream. Here, humans are able to live in their own personal world. Like the real human life, it can consist of birth, death, sex, and other fantasies, but dreams are like open doors that allow the mind to move freely in a world that is different than others'.

But the question is what is real?

To every human being, this answer is and always will be different..

Scared of relationships?

Kyle obviously likes me, and it sucks.

He's cool and all, but I think that being friends is the only thing that happens. He hasn't told me he likes me, but he's doing the whole, "I haven't talked to you in a day, I miss you." and "You're just as cute as I remember."

It's kinda freaking me out because I've always seen him as just a friend, like a best friend, nothing more.

For some reason I feel like if I ended up liking him and dating him, that it would almost be like dating Leo, and that scares me. He seems like the clingy type, and I don't like that. I don't want another clingy boyfriend.

I just want a best friend out of him, but I don't know how to tell him.

Crap-ola.

Old friendships..

So, I looked up one of my old friends on myspace just recently, and I found him.

His name is Kyle, and we've been friends since we were both able to talk.

Holy crap, I have missed him so much! We've been talking a lot; about everything and anything. We've just been catching up, because it's been quite a few years since we've seen each other.

We've been talking about old memories, and all that good stuff. It's really cool. I thought it would be kind of awkward since we haven't talked to each other in a long time, but it wasn't at all. We were able to talk to each other like normal, and it is so cool!

I'm overwhelmed with joy, it's ridiculous.

He has nooooo idea how much I've missed him..

Everything I look at seems like art..

I'm not trying to draw you in by the title. This is completely true.

For some reason this random feeling came over me, like I was inspired by everything. As an artist of many types, I don't think I've ever felt like this; I've never been inspired by everything. It's really weird, and extremely hard to explain. You'd have to be me for a day to have the slightest clue.

Listening to Nine Inch Nails has been a big contributor to it I think.

I look at things and feel like drawing it. I even listen to songs and feel like drawing them too. Even listening to songs makes me want to write a song. I mean, this is happening with everything. It's the wildest feeling.

The thing that sucks is I have school tomorrow. I have to sit in a stupid class when I could be outside drawing, or writing music. Tomorrow is going to suck because I won't be able to focus at all. It's going to be ridiculous.

Wow, what a crazy cool feeling. I'm excited to go to bed just so I can daydream without any distractions. I like to daydream. I do it quite often too.. sometimes I do it too much. It's a great escape from reality, and right now, the band.

But, I think I know what I'm going to do concerning the band; I'll stick with them and try out being hardcore, just so I can say later, if I do end up leaving, that I was open minded about it. I think that will help me find out altogether what I want..

Trying to run from the decision I have to make..

It's not getting any easier trying to decide what I should do concerning the band.

It's been a few days since I got the call, and my head is starting to hurt from trying to figure out what exactly I want more.

I love my band with every part of me, and I think I would regret leaving them, since we've gotten so far. That band is a part of me, and I know I helped get it to where it is now, and I don't want to lose that.

But, I love metal too. I was born listening to metal, and it owns a majority of my heart, music wise. I love to play metal, and I love just about everything about it. I'm thinking about leaving to start a metal band. But, I think I would regret it, like I would regret staying with Nothing To Gain.

Not once has this whole thing been off of my mind. It's always there. But this is probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I could stay with the band, in hopes that it would grow on me. Or, I could leave to form a band that plays music that I know I like.

I still don't know..

Change.

It's very hard to see.
Just what you can offer me.
To go a different way.
Almost with closed eyes.

Change.
It's very hard to tell.
What it is going to sell.
It's time for a change.
It's time for another change..

I think change is the most difficult thing to have to go through. I've been through a lot, but who hasn't?

Christian and Taylor called me today about change. About going in a different direction: The hardcore direction.

I was pretty upset, and was holding back from crying so bad. Of course my voice was cracking, and shaky. I told them how I felt: How I felt like I had no voice, and it was correct. I want to play metal, and they didn't, and I told them I felt as if it were unfair. Especially since Christian has all the voice, and I told him that I thought it was unfair also because he uses the "I've got the place where you practice" and that's why gets the biggest voice.

I'm really upset right now.

I'm in the crossroads of "Am I going to stay with these guys? Or am I going to pursue what I know that I want 100%?" And it's a really hard decision.

I like hardcore, and it's growing on me more and more, but I don't want to be classified as hardcore and nothing else. I told them that too. Taylor said not being able to be classified as anything could be a bad thing, and I agreed, but it could also be good, because we wouldn't end up like Metallica when their sound changed. I don't want to hear "SELLOUTS!" all the time like Metallica did.

Christian had told me that if I wanted to do this, I would probably have to start playing with a pick. That hit a "raw nerve" for me. I told him straight up that was bull crap; I shouldn't HAVE to conform to the "new" bass ways. Another thing that got me upset.

I'm willing to build my fingers to make them stronger, and faster to be able to play this stuff, and I'm going to have to learn all the scales, which is okay with me, but I will not stop playing how I'm playing.

I told them to give me time to decide what I want.. and let me tell you, it's a very hard decision..

A quiet night.

It's nice.

My mom's gone, and my sister's in bed.

Just catching up on a few things is kind of nice. I'm listening to Nine Inch Nails right now. I'm going through a phase where I'm listening to a lot of them. I like them, or him, because it's a one man band.

Every time I listen to them, I get inspired to draw, or write music. I just recently wrote lyrics for a song. It's on this blog.. It's called "The Plan," but I'm going to change it to "Raw Nerve." It's kind of cool. Different than my other lyrics.

I have a picture started (and very far from finishing, ha ha) of Trent Reznor, who is the main man in Nine Inch Nails. I brought it over here to my mom's house to try and get more done on it.. that didn't happen. Actually, I ended up taking stuff off of it, ha ha! It's a pretty big picture too. It's probably almost a foot tall, and about eight inches wide. I think it's the biggest picture I've drawn.

But, enough about that. I'm feeling a little better than yesterday, luckily. I'm looking forward to going out with the family tomorrow. We're going to go out into the wilderness: our favorite place to be.

Listening to this song right now is calming.. it's called "Hurt," by Nine Inch Nails.

I'll conclude this blog with some lyrics from the song I'm listening to:

I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real..