Boy. You have stolen my heart.

Damn.

Oh baby.

I want to kiss you all over.
I want to hold you until the end of time.
I want to look into your eyes forever.
I want to touch you.
I want to want you.

And I do.

Oh baby.
Oh baby, I want you..

Go along..

".. just think of it this way
I will keep holding on for you"

I thought I had forgotten..

Today in my Passages class, we were journaling. Our first journal entry really hit me hard.

It was about growing up; if I felt loved, and all that stuff. I thought about it for awhile.. and I remember not feeling loved by my mom. I started writing about that, and I started tearing up.

My mom and I get along great now, but it hurt thinking about how we never saw her growing up. I mean, we did, but when we did, it was for a brief time. It really upset me.

Our second journal was about junior high; another tough time for me. That brought up a lot of memories also. I remember going through a really hard time; I was depressed all the time, and I hated myself. That's even the time I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

Revisiting that stuff was pretty emotional.. I didn't go into all the details on here, because I did enough of that at school..

But I guess I can go back to this saying:

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm glad that I'm not where I used to be..

Dear Christian,

I got up too early today, so at about 12, I decided to take a nap. I kept waking up though because my dad was working in the shop, so I heard every noise coming from there.

I finally got to where I was used to hearing the noises. But I wish I would have just gotten up the last time I was startled awake by a noise in the shop..

I had a dream. A dream about Christian.

I had sent him a message about something on Myspace, just to try to be friendly again.. but then I saw him sitting kind of overhead from me. He had a book in his hand. He opened it up, and told me that he had written about my life in an incredible way.

As he sat and explained, the song "Let It Be" by The Beatles started playing. Then he started to read. As he was reading, the song still played, but I could no longer hear him talking. All I could hear was the song, and the sound of me weeping.. I could actually feel the pressure on my chest as if I was really crying, but I was very much asleep..

He kept reading on, and the music still played. I just looked up at him, and kept crying. There was nothing more to the dream. The pressure on my chest was still there, still seeming like I was really crying..

And then I woke up. I laid in my bed for a few moments and I was panting like I was just crying. I felt my face for tears, and there were none. As I sat there, I briefly thought about the dream, and then started crying..

I cried for about ten minutes. A real, hard cry..

I have no clue what to think about it..


Even though I'm mad at him for pushing me away, I still love him to death. I'd still do anything for him.

He's furious with me, and doesn't care about me, but I'm still there for him. I will always be. Being in a band draws you very close to your members, even if you don't realize it..

This whole thing was really hard for me to write.. still raw in my memory since it happened a half an hour ago.. don't know what to think, but I know that was in my top five for worst dreams..

I feel like I need another nap after that.

I want you.

I want you so bad.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.
I want you.
I want you so bad babe.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.
I want you.
I want you so bad babe.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me ...

Just thought I'd share..

So, the garbage man comes to my area every Tuesday, and it's Wednesday today. Well, when I got home, I could have sworn I saw our garbage can, but I got the mail, and went inside because I had to go to the bathroom.. I forgot to bring the can in, but I was like, "whatever, I'll get it sometime today.."

Brittany gets home, and before she did, I went to my mom's house to grab something, and when I came back, I didn't remember seeing it or not. So Brittany gets home, and then I go to check the road and bring the garbage can in. I saw it wasn't there. I asked if she had brought it in, and she said she didn't. Then I go outside to check the place where we put the can, and it wasn't there either..

I felt insane because I could have sworn I had seen it today, but it vanished.. all my neighbors' can were still out by the road, but ours was missing.. so, today is the day I investigate the case of the missing garbage can..

One question: Who would want to steal a garbage can?..

You're so perfect.

Incredible.
Amazing.

Perfect.

I am crazy for you. But I shouldn't be.

You're so perfect.

No one even comes close. You have no idea.

But you're out of reach. Now isn't that how it always is?

Incredible.
Amazing.

Perfect.

Rain. Sun. Gone.

So it's the first day of senior year, and I really can't believe it at all. It's weird though, because dad and Jude are gone. They're usually here on the first day of school. They're in Oregon right now; they left Saturday morning, and will probably be back Thursday. Me and Britt have had to stay here to watch the house.

I feel really independent without them here. I kind of did a test on myself too over these past few days. I didn't try to clean up the stuff I had gotten out, but yesterday, I couldn't handle it, so I started cleaning the house at almost nine last night. I'm sure when I move out, my place will look nice.

Senior year.. it's crazy how time flies. It really is.

Capturing music.

That's how I want my photography to be. I want to capture music. Everything about it.

I want to show the playing music part of it, and heading to a show part of it, and even the production of it. I've been inspired by my pictures from the Mudvayne concert, and I thought that would be a cool project.

There are even some pictures of when I was still with Nothing To Gain that I thought captured it in a way.

I don't know.. random idea, but I kinda want to try it out.

No Look Back

"We're better off without her."

Thank you. Glad to know I meant something to you.


I finished my song. It sounds really good. Here are the finished lyrics;

I can't erase,
all the things you've said.
I don't see no point,
when it's already dead.
All the pain and the tears,
cloud the truth in your head.
Weighing you down,
like a jacket made of lead.

But I still carry that on my back,
even though you left me far behind.
You threw me your problems to watch my world crack,
no look back, no look back..

You called me a friend,
never thought it was a lie.
And when I needed you,
you left me hanging dry.
You ripped out my beating heart,
and left it there to die.
A mind you leave closed shut,
you left for me to pry.

But I still carry that on my back,
even though you left me far behind.
You threw me your problems to watch my world crack,
no look back, no look back...

The guitar to it makes it sound even better. I'm very pleased with it..


Dear Christian..