Thought of the day..

What a surprise. I'm going to be talking about how shitty I feel today.

Last night before I fell asleep, I lied down in bed, and right as I lied down, I got this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It was weird because it was almost instant. It was like there was a pain in my heart. So, I put my headphones on, and listened to my iPod as I was lying there. Eventually, I fell asleep.

I suppose the purpose of this post is to kind of share how much music means to me, and tell why I feel lonely, just in case you all wanted to know.

It was amazing how right after I put my iPod on, all that pain kind of disappeared. That's why I've said music is a panacea. It was almost like I wasn't lying in my lonely bed. The lights were off, but my mind was elsewhere. The weird thing is, there was a point in the night that I don't remember what music was playing. I know I wasn't asleep, but I was so deep in thought that I kind of placed myself in another area..

I eventually drifted to sleep. I don't remember any of my dreams, but I do remember waking up at about 1 in the morning, and I turned my iPod off, turned over, and went back to sleep. Usually, if I wake up with my iPod still on, but turn it off, I can't get back to bed, and I remember why I put it on in the first place. But not last night for some reason.

When I got up this morning, I was feeling great. Woke up feeling refreshed, and ready for my day. But then when I got over to my dad's house, I started feeling it again. Kind of alone. And when Judy left to go look at houses, I started tearing up, and cried briefly. Because once again I was alone. It was the weirdest thing.

I guess I'm tired of going from guy to guy. I know there are people out there who have been single longer than I have, but since August, well, that's quite awhile for me. I've gone a few months, but then I'm with a new guy. I suppose I'm just tired of dating, and am craving a relationship again. I know that kind of thing shouldn't be so important to me, especially at 19, but it is. I miss having a "boyfriend."

I feel like I'm leaving this post at a weird time, but I needed to get it off my chest while it was fresh in my mind..

The walls

I've been doing a lot of letting go lately. It sounds bad, but for me, someone who holds on even when there's no chance of redemption, it's turning out to be good for me.

Sometimes you let go of someone to see if they'll come after you. Like with me lately, I'll fight for a person I care for, but have let them go because they aren't willing to fight back for me. It seems childish, but I've gotten a good feel for who really has my back, and who doesn't.

I guess it's almost like that saying, sometimes we build up walls to see who's willing to break them down. Have I become slightly stand-offish again? I think a little bit, yes. But I think I'm a hell of a lot stronger now than I was even 6 months ago.

I was seeing a guy in Kennewick, and of course that didn't work out, but at the time it was amazing. Of course, he started to pull away from me, but still remained to be physical toward me. I stood my ground, telling him it's not fair that he doesn't want to see me, but still wants to be physical.. I found out he was seeing someone else, and just wouldn't be straight up about it.

I let go, and moved on.

I was seeing this guy who was 25, which means he was 6 years older than myself. I thought that maybe because he was older, he wouldn't play games. But I was very wrong. Now, this guy was a complete ass to me. All the time. and he picked fights with me every single day. But it pissed him off because he couldn't control me. The things he said were ridiculous, and I could tell he was very self-conscious. Even moreso than myself.

We had gotten in another big fight, just because I couldn't go see him right when he wanted me to, as if my world revolved around him. He proceeded to try to blame the fight on me, but I turned it around on him because nothing I did was the wrong thing to do. Nothing I ever did was good enough. He was emotionally abusive, and I had had enough.

I let go, and moved on.

I feel like I'm going from relationship to relationship. Actually, I've been seeing guys here and there. I haven't actually been in a relationship since August. But it's never-ending.

On the bright side, I may be moving out pretty soon here. I'm very excited for that. But I suppose that's all I have for now..