Thought of the day..

What a surprise. I'm going to be talking about how shitty I feel today.

Last night before I fell asleep, I lied down in bed, and right as I lied down, I got this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It was weird because it was almost instant. It was like there was a pain in my heart. So, I put my headphones on, and listened to my iPod as I was lying there. Eventually, I fell asleep.

I suppose the purpose of this post is to kind of share how much music means to me, and tell why I feel lonely, just in case you all wanted to know.

It was amazing how right after I put my iPod on, all that pain kind of disappeared. That's why I've said music is a panacea. It was almost like I wasn't lying in my lonely bed. The lights were off, but my mind was elsewhere. The weird thing is, there was a point in the night that I don't remember what music was playing. I know I wasn't asleep, but I was so deep in thought that I kind of placed myself in another area..

I eventually drifted to sleep. I don't remember any of my dreams, but I do remember waking up at about 1 in the morning, and I turned my iPod off, turned over, and went back to sleep. Usually, if I wake up with my iPod still on, but turn it off, I can't get back to bed, and I remember why I put it on in the first place. But not last night for some reason.

When I got up this morning, I was feeling great. Woke up feeling refreshed, and ready for my day. But then when I got over to my dad's house, I started feeling it again. Kind of alone. And when Judy left to go look at houses, I started tearing up, and cried briefly. Because once again I was alone. It was the weirdest thing.

I guess I'm tired of going from guy to guy. I know there are people out there who have been single longer than I have, but since August, well, that's quite awhile for me. I've gone a few months, but then I'm with a new guy. I suppose I'm just tired of dating, and am craving a relationship again. I know that kind of thing shouldn't be so important to me, especially at 19, but it is. I miss having a "boyfriend."

I feel like I'm leaving this post at a weird time, but I needed to get it off my chest while it was fresh in my mind..