It's been almost a year..

Wow. Long time, no see, blogger. I guess it's time to make a list of everything that's happened in the past year.

1. Dad and Jude moved out to Newman Lake in the same house on 6 acres that my grama and papa, Lena and Art lived at.
2. My mom and Brent actually got married, and they moved into a different apartment, but same complex.
3. I met a guy named Steve Brown through a girl I work with.
4. Moved in with Steve.
5. Got two tattoos; Linkin Park lyrics for their song, "The Messenger." "When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind." And I also got a Chevy tattoo.
6. Steve gave me a promise ring on Christmas day.
7. My grama Lena died of cancer that had spread throughout her body in February. She is now in Heaven with her soul mate. <3
8. Problems between Steve and myself had gotten so bad, and his drug use was getting worse, so I packed up my stuff and left him.
9. Moved into my grama Lena's place to watch over the stuff until it sold.
10. Four days after I moved in there, Judy told me I needed to move back out.
11. Moved in with my mom again.
12. Three and a half months later, moved out into a house with a few friends on the North Side.
13. Made amends with Chelsea.
14. Experience life as a true adult; I'm always broke. Lol.

And that's my story so far..

Today has been a rough day. Been thinking about Steve a lot. I'm not going to go into detail about the whole relationship. But, before the drugs, things were great. It's too bad things went the way they did..

God has other plans for me I suppose.

I suppose that's all I have for now. Just wanted to let you know I'm alive, and surviving.

Thought of the day..

What a surprise. I'm going to be talking about how shitty I feel today.

Last night before I fell asleep, I lied down in bed, and right as I lied down, I got this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It was weird because it was almost instant. It was like there was a pain in my heart. So, I put my headphones on, and listened to my iPod as I was lying there. Eventually, I fell asleep.

I suppose the purpose of this post is to kind of share how much music means to me, and tell why I feel lonely, just in case you all wanted to know.

It was amazing how right after I put my iPod on, all that pain kind of disappeared. That's why I've said music is a panacea. It was almost like I wasn't lying in my lonely bed. The lights were off, but my mind was elsewhere. The weird thing is, there was a point in the night that I don't remember what music was playing. I know I wasn't asleep, but I was so deep in thought that I kind of placed myself in another area..

I eventually drifted to sleep. I don't remember any of my dreams, but I do remember waking up at about 1 in the morning, and I turned my iPod off, turned over, and went back to sleep. Usually, if I wake up with my iPod still on, but turn it off, I can't get back to bed, and I remember why I put it on in the first place. But not last night for some reason.

When I got up this morning, I was feeling great. Woke up feeling refreshed, and ready for my day. But then when I got over to my dad's house, I started feeling it again. Kind of alone. And when Judy left to go look at houses, I started tearing up, and cried briefly. Because once again I was alone. It was the weirdest thing.

I guess I'm tired of going from guy to guy. I know there are people out there who have been single longer than I have, but since August, well, that's quite awhile for me. I've gone a few months, but then I'm with a new guy. I suppose I'm just tired of dating, and am craving a relationship again. I know that kind of thing shouldn't be so important to me, especially at 19, but it is. I miss having a "boyfriend."

I feel like I'm leaving this post at a weird time, but I needed to get it off my chest while it was fresh in my mind..

The walls

I've been doing a lot of letting go lately. It sounds bad, but for me, someone who holds on even when there's no chance of redemption, it's turning out to be good for me.

Sometimes you let go of someone to see if they'll come after you. Like with me lately, I'll fight for a person I care for, but have let them go because they aren't willing to fight back for me. It seems childish, but I've gotten a good feel for who really has my back, and who doesn't.

I guess it's almost like that saying, sometimes we build up walls to see who's willing to break them down. Have I become slightly stand-offish again? I think a little bit, yes. But I think I'm a hell of a lot stronger now than I was even 6 months ago.

I was seeing a guy in Kennewick, and of course that didn't work out, but at the time it was amazing. Of course, he started to pull away from me, but still remained to be physical toward me. I stood my ground, telling him it's not fair that he doesn't want to see me, but still wants to be physical.. I found out he was seeing someone else, and just wouldn't be straight up about it.

I let go, and moved on.

I was seeing this guy who was 25, which means he was 6 years older than myself. I thought that maybe because he was older, he wouldn't play games. But I was very wrong. Now, this guy was a complete ass to me. All the time. and he picked fights with me every single day. But it pissed him off because he couldn't control me. The things he said were ridiculous, and I could tell he was very self-conscious. Even moreso than myself.

We had gotten in another big fight, just because I couldn't go see him right when he wanted me to, as if my world revolved around him. He proceeded to try to blame the fight on me, but I turned it around on him because nothing I did was the wrong thing to do. Nothing I ever did was good enough. He was emotionally abusive, and I had had enough.

I let go, and moved on.

I feel like I'm going from relationship to relationship. Actually, I've been seeing guys here and there. I haven't actually been in a relationship since August. But it's never-ending.

On the bright side, I may be moving out pretty soon here. I'm very excited for that. But I suppose that's all I have for now..

I just haven't met you yet..

The possibility of me moving out has finally arrived. I mean, I will have to get a better job so I'm able to pay for the appartment without any problems, but I think it's do-able. Tyler Burkley, I couldn't be happier that you started talking to me, sparking this whole thing. I hope all goes well, because I would love to move in with you.
I know we will turn out to be more than friends. There is no denying that at all. But I can't wait. You're amazing. That's all there is to it.
I teared up when you drove off this morning to go back home.. it's like I need you in my life. Like you were put into my life for a reason. I get along with you so well. I hope next weekend I can drive out to Kennewick and stay the night over there with you. I want to cuddle with you again. I want to be held by you again. I want to kiss those lips of yours again.. you and those gorgeous blue eyes.. lady killer, ha haa. =]
I'm already attached; what a surprise, ha.. I'm still a teenager for the time being; I'm still allowed to make stupid decisions, ha ha. I know this isn't the smartest thing to do, but I can honestly say that I'm excited for it, and I know this is what I want. =]

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In a stranger's bed..

As I lie here next to you, listening to you snore and watching you twitch while you're sleeping, I begin to become heart broken. We have had this off and on thing going for a year now; all that sexual tension is built up, we talk every day, an so on..
I can't sleep. Like every single time I lie in bed with a guy. I try to touch you here and there to let you know I'm still here, but you continue to snore. Maybe it was the whiskey. Maybe the 10 hits of your bowl.
This place is a mess. A disaster. You're living in a garage. I see about 10 pipes/bongs.. but you're passed out, as I lie here insomniac.
You tell me all the time when we talk that you have troubles sleeping. Maybe it's because you have random people coming in here at 2 in the morning just to smoke some weed. Maybe that's it.. it tears my heart in two..
I am in fear that when it's time for me to leave, my car will have a broken out window, or a slashed tire. It may even be stolen. And I'm paralyzed stiff to the thought of all options.
But, I want to wake you up. I want you to hold me. I want you to kiss me again. I want to know you care. But I also want to emotionally wake you up. Mentally. Make you realize you're going nowhere quick, and it's killing me inside. Gosh, I don't know what I saw in you.. but there must be something because I wouldn't be lying here in bed with you if I didnt.
Gosh, you're so sexy. The way you talk to me and look at me is so sexy. You're irrisistable. I'm slightly surprised I'm not naked right now.. I know if you had wanted me to be, you could have gotten me to strip down with the snap of a finger. But, you're snoring beside me..
So good night Justin. Sleep well.

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Him.

My phone is ringing; the first couple times I try to answer, I end up hanging up on you. I'm half asleep, hence it's 3 in the morning. But it was you calling. A drunk call nonetheless, but it was you. You needed a ride home.. I was hesitant to give one to you, since it's been over a year since I had seen you last.. weird. Just plain weird.

But I gave in.

The whole way over to where you were at, in my head, I was practicing what I was going to say to you when I saw you. There were many options:

"Thanks asshole for waking me up."
"I never woulda' thought that after over a year of not seeing you, I'd be picking you up drunk from Sheri's."
"I haven't seen you in a year, but here I am. And how dare you be drinking.. without me."

I chose the latter.

You get in the car, and I say my rehearsed line.. a laugh came out from both of us. The same laugh I was crazy about. This time more intense since you were drunk. But then there was a silence for a second. Yet, that second seemed like a minute. It was like we were both remembering the old times. You broke the silence with a smart ass comment against my driving, but then said you were jealous that I could drive a stick.

On the way back to your place, we both were distracted, and kept missing the correct place to turn. But, we eventually got there. We sat in the car for a bit.. in my head, I was begging you to ask me inside. And that you did.

We enter the house very quietly, and you stop for a minute to show me what you learned on the piano.. then we went to your room. You closed the door, told me to sit right on down onto your bed, and that I did.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.

You sat down next to me, and we started to talk; it was time to catch up, since it had been so long. You tell me my hair looks good short, and I tell you that you look good, muscle wise. Then you ask if it would bother me if you changed into your shorts. And you stripped right in front of me; not completely naked, but you got to a point where you were only in boxers. The whole time you took your clothes off, time slowed down. I turned away slightly. The sight of your abs, nipple piercings, and happy trail had excited me.. I remember all of it..

After you got your shorts on, you sat back down beside me. Then you asked if you could have a hug, and you gave me the biggest hug I've felt in a long time.

We talked about our past, looked at old pictures, and at one point, you went through the apologetic stage, and cried a little.. broke my heart.. You were almost sobered up by this time. But it was nice to know it was all real. The feelings, everything.

When it was time for me to head off, you stopped me by grabbing me, and not letting go.. this time, the hug was stronger.. like if you let go, that would be the end of you.. and I think for a moment, it was.. You wanted to kiss me. I knew that from the get-go. I could see it. The way you would look at me. Like you put me under your spell again..

You walk me out to my car, give me one last hug, and slowly let go of me.. you open my door for me, say one last goodbye, and walk into the house. Then I drove away..

I've been with other guys since you. But none had given me the same incredible feeling you did. My heart raced the whole time I was around you; it was like that when we were together. With the other guys, that never happened.. never.

I wish I knew what it was.. I never realized how badly I missed your touch until I felt it again. I am truly addicted. And now that I got my fix, I'll be craving more.. I'm still addicted to you.

You still have my heart, love. You have this whole time..

The beauty of fall

It's here. That crisp fall air is numbing. But for some odd reason, it warms my soul: Fall is my time of year for sure. Though it's now chilly outside, I drive home from work with my windows down, just to feel the cold air.

People are bundled up in scarfs, gloves, hats, and sweaters; this is the Northwest. This is the kind of stuff that makes me fall in love with Washington again, though that love dies once the other seasons arrive.

Perfect cuddling weather. End of story.

For some reason I feel more beautiful in the fall time. More radiant.

It's the Earth's death, and the beautiful part is the fact that we all know a rebirth is coming (spring.)

Fall is beautiful.