Him.

My phone is ringing; the first couple times I try to answer, I end up hanging up on you. I'm half asleep, hence it's 3 in the morning. But it was you calling. A drunk call nonetheless, but it was you. You needed a ride home.. I was hesitant to give one to you, since it's been over a year since I had seen you last.. weird. Just plain weird.

But I gave in.

The whole way over to where you were at, in my head, I was practicing what I was going to say to you when I saw you. There were many options:

"Thanks asshole for waking me up."
"I never woulda' thought that after over a year of not seeing you, I'd be picking you up drunk from Sheri's."
"I haven't seen you in a year, but here I am. And how dare you be drinking.. without me."

I chose the latter.

You get in the car, and I say my rehearsed line.. a laugh came out from both of us. The same laugh I was crazy about. This time more intense since you were drunk. But then there was a silence for a second. Yet, that second seemed like a minute. It was like we were both remembering the old times. You broke the silence with a smart ass comment against my driving, but then said you were jealous that I could drive a stick.

On the way back to your place, we both were distracted, and kept missing the correct place to turn. But, we eventually got there. We sat in the car for a bit.. in my head, I was begging you to ask me inside. And that you did.

We enter the house very quietly, and you stop for a minute to show me what you learned on the piano.. then we went to your room. You closed the door, told me to sit right on down onto your bed, and that I did.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.

You sat down next to me, and we started to talk; it was time to catch up, since it had been so long. You tell me my hair looks good short, and I tell you that you look good, muscle wise. Then you ask if it would bother me if you changed into your shorts. And you stripped right in front of me; not completely naked, but you got to a point where you were only in boxers. The whole time you took your clothes off, time slowed down. I turned away slightly. The sight of your abs, nipple piercings, and happy trail had excited me.. I remember all of it..

After you got your shorts on, you sat back down beside me. Then you asked if you could have a hug, and you gave me the biggest hug I've felt in a long time.

We talked about our past, looked at old pictures, and at one point, you went through the apologetic stage, and cried a little.. broke my heart.. You were almost sobered up by this time. But it was nice to know it was all real. The feelings, everything.

When it was time for me to head off, you stopped me by grabbing me, and not letting go.. this time, the hug was stronger.. like if you let go, that would be the end of you.. and I think for a moment, it was.. You wanted to kiss me. I knew that from the get-go. I could see it. The way you would look at me. Like you put me under your spell again..

You walk me out to my car, give me one last hug, and slowly let go of me.. you open my door for me, say one last goodbye, and walk into the house. Then I drove away..

I've been with other guys since you. But none had given me the same incredible feeling you did. My heart raced the whole time I was around you; it was like that when we were together. With the other guys, that never happened.. never.

I wish I knew what it was.. I never realized how badly I missed your touch until I felt it again. I am truly addicted. And now that I got my fix, I'll be craving more.. I'm still addicted to you.

You still have my heart, love. You have this whole time..

The beauty of fall

It's here. That crisp fall air is numbing. But for some odd reason, it warms my soul: Fall is my time of year for sure. Though it's now chilly outside, I drive home from work with my windows down, just to feel the cold air.

People are bundled up in scarfs, gloves, hats, and sweaters; this is the Northwest. This is the kind of stuff that makes me fall in love with Washington again, though that love dies once the other seasons arrive.

Perfect cuddling weather. End of story.

For some reason I feel more beautiful in the fall time. More radiant.

It's the Earth's death, and the beautiful part is the fact that we all know a rebirth is coming (spring.)

Fall is beautiful.

I'm a little heart-broken

http://www.kxly.com/news/25275013/detail.html

Prime example of Christians making a bad name for themselves. I'm frustrated and hurt. This is why people who don't have the Lord in their heart don't listen to people like me, because they think we're all like this, which to be honest, doesn't really surprise me.

God is the only one who has the right to judge. Yeah, I may not believe in certain ways of life and stuff of that sort, but I'm not going to judge someone for what they believe or how they live. To each their own.

Thanks, idiots..

Good morning, sir.

Good morning. =] Did you sleep well? I really didn't.. but I'd have to say it was worth it. You snored a little bit. It was kind of cute. And you tossed and turned. But I did too. Sometimes when I woke up randomly, I'd just stare at you.. is that weird? I think it is.. But I couldn't help it.

You have really pretty eyes. When I'd look up at you, and you were fast asleep, I couldn't help but smile. It was ridiculous. =]

The times that I actually got to sleep, I dreamt of you. Every single time. Then I'd wake up, look at you, and my heart would race.

It sucked having to leave your house.. I didn't want to. I could have lied in bed with you forever. You and your gorgeous eyes, cute smile, everything.

I like the little random things you do. Like, throwing your pillow at me, or trying to tickle me. Even when you tell me that I don't need to leave the room to change, just so you get your own personal show. =] You're cute. I like you. End of story.

So, thank you for a good night. I know you'd be thinking, "yeah, okay, but we didn't even do anything." but getting to spend time with you, and spend the night with you was amazing. You're really great..

Drawing smiles..

I've been at my mom's for almost a week now. Besides me being sick with a severe case of tonsillitis, it's been really nice. But then again, Judy told me to come over here so I don't get her sick since she needed to have surgery to get her gall bladder removed. So, I packed my stuff, and was headed out the door, and she told me she was kidding, though I knew she wasn't; she only said she was kidding because my dad was sitting in the room. But I refused to stay, and my dad got upset, but I told him I needed to be away because I wanted her to get the surgery.. just in case it helped with her bitchiness lately.

So, here I've been. I've taken more damn medicine than an addict, but I'm FINALLY getting better. I have an interview at Shopko on Monday, so I need to be better. Today was the first day I could actually eat full meals; that was a very nice change, hence the fact that it had been a good four or so days since I was able to eat regularly. My tonsils were looking like golf balls. My voice sounded pretty damn funny if I do say so myself.. but, everybody else was laughing also.

For the past few months, I had come down with this itch that covered just about all my body. It got increasingly worse, so I finally went to the doctor; he said scabies. But, no one else in my family, nor my boyfriend had gotten it, so I ruled that out myself. But, I've been taking Benadryl, and that has helped immensely. And of course as I'm writing about this, I find myself itching.. I just love the power of the human mind.

From the three month itching period, I gained quite a few (extreme understatement) scabs and scars. So, I sat down a few minutes ago and connected the dots in a smiley face pattern in various spots. I have to say, it brought a delightful comic relief. The itching got pretty bad some days. It would bring me to tears sometimes because I'd get so frustrated because I wasn't seeing an end to it. But, things now are looking up. I'm getting healthy again. Charlie is going to know the healthy side of me soon I'm hoping, ha ha.

But, I guess that's all for now..

Dear Judy,

You're a motherfuckin' piece of shit, and you'll never amount to nothing.

-The strain in your marriage.

You know you've seen heart break when...

So, I've been hanging out with a new guy lately. He seems cool, but then again in my head I'm thinking, "yeah, they always seem cool at first.." We hung out yesterday for the whole day, and I had a lot of fun.

But my faith in guys has gone down, especially since my last ex. I keep thinking with the new guy, "C'mon, randomly stop texting me! Or, wait, stand me up! That would be better! Or maybe you can start seeing another person, and not tell me! Just stab me in the back!! Do it! I'm waiting!" Sad, right?

Judy and I were sitting on the couch this morning, and she told me she was sorry for not giving a shit about the new guy. She said she doesn't trust any of them. She told me that every time my heart gets broken, hers does too, along with my dad's. She said she just isn't interested anymore in hearing about them because she think all of them are going to hurt me. And it's understandable. If I had a daughter who kept dating assholes that treated her like shit, I'd be bitter like her too. But I'm even bitter right now. I'm waiting for him to pull the same shit on me like the others had done to me, and it's sad.

My guard is up. But I want to like him.. and I do.. but I don't trust a word he says...

To those who give a shit

I am alive and well. Got a car, and looking for a job. The job hunt is getting ridiculous, but I have to keep going. But, I really don't feel like writing much. Everything is pretty much the same; guys suck, life's crazy, and getting drunk is kind of fun. Ha! Anyway..

Peace out, Rock on.

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Heartbreak Warfare

Dear Steven Wolf,

I miss you dearly. Wherever you are, please be safe. I miss talking to you, and hearing you sing to me; you have an amazing voice, and I miss it so much. I miss your randomness, and how you made me laugh. I want to see you so badly.. please come home safe and alive..

I can't wait until you do. I hope you don't change too much while you're gone. If you do, I'd still love you anyway, but I want my goofy Steven too.. I hope you're missing me. I hope that you think of me as often as I think of you. I hope that when you get my letters, you smile, and keep them close.

I love you Steven.. and I miss you. Come home, please..

To A Soldier.

I see it on the news everyday.
Another soldier lost, another fray.
My heart stops completely, and time slows down.
And all can think about is you..

I run to the mailbox, hoping you wrote back.
I skim through the whole letter stack.
And once I see your name on that envelope,
I begin to breathe once again..

You tell me just how much you miss me.
You tell me just how badly you want to kiss me.
And when you come back home, we'll see each other then.
But please, oh please, hurry back..

Oh, what I'd do to hear your voice on the phone.
'Cuz I sit up all night all alone.
I stare at all your pictures, hoping God is standing by you.
Then I pray myself to sleep...

Be you.

When the sky is falling, do you still look up? When the path is dark, do you still move forward? Are you afraid to break the mold, and live your life?

Why? Why be afraid? Why not still look up, still move forward, or even break the mold? Why not be the person you want to be?

You will NEVER please everybody. You can't. It's impossible. So live for you, and don't let anybody break you down, because you are worth it. It doesn't matter what everybody else tells you. Deep down, you can find the truth and realize you are worth it. You do deserve the best.

Open your eyes wide and actually take the time to see what's around you. Don't just listen, but hear it. Let no one stand in your way. Just live. Cherish every moment, because you never know which is going to be your last..

B.E.L.

Things between Steven and I are over, and that's all on me. Just wasn't feeling it, which isn't good at all..

But once again, I find myself falling for someone I shouldn't.. Just keeps coming back.

Am I in my right mind thinking that if I care a lot about someone and I can't get them off my mind that it's meant to be? Like I feel empty when I'm not talking to them?

I'm just a stupid teenager. I do stupid things and go back to guys I shouldn't go back to because I'm stupid. But that's how I roll.

Hmmm..

So, I went over to Steven's house after school yesterday, and stayed there till about 12:00 at night. It was so awesome, like usual. I love hanging out with him, because we're both happy if we're just cuddling up in bed watching a movie, which is what we did the majority of yesterday.

He made me dinner too, which was awesome. I've never had a guy make me dinner, so I felt pretty special. =] But, before all that, I met some of his family, which was kind of cool. They were all pretty awesome; chill, and really nice to me. Made me feel a lot more comfortable.

After dinner, we watched a movie while lying in bed. We made out.. a lot, ha ha. Practically didn't watch the movie because we were busy doing other things, ha ha. But whatever. =]

We just did a lot of hanging out, but I loved it, and I could tell he did too. It sucked having to leave.. I didn't want to. I was too comfy in his arms.. but, it was amazing, so I thought I'd share.

That is all for now.

Super-Tard Deluxe

I was looking at a picture of Steven and I we took last Friday, and I've decided I look like a super-tard deluxe.. and that's SO a Katie term.. =]

I suppose I'll have to put the picture up.. Because it is quite funny. We're on the bus, ha ha. His Trans Am isn't fixed yet, but it will be soon! I'm excited, because I'm lame and don't have a car. But anyway, pretty funny picture.

So, he came over just to see my for like an hour and a half. It was great. I love seeing him. He's such a dork, but I love it. He likes to see what he can get away with, with me. It's quite funny.

So, I've decided tongue piercings are kind of fun. =] And blue eyes are my weakness..


That is all for now..

Bite me.

So, this kid right here went on a date yesterday, and it was awesome. I met with him at like 3:30, and from there, we walked to the old U-High. When we got there, we just hung out in the grass for like three hours, and it was awesome. We talked, and kissed, and got all playful. =]

But now, I have a couple hickeys, ha ha. Crazy stuff right there. Let me say though, it's been interesting trying to hide them from the parents, especially since they're on my neck. He got me pretty good, but, I liked it, I won't lie. You can see the bite marks on the right side of my neck; classy, ha ha. But, whatever.

I looked at my phone, and noticed it was 6:00. Didn't seem like time went by that fast, but it did. So, by that time, we decided we wanted to get something to eat. So, we headed off to IHOP since T.G.I. Fridays was closed.. I love me some IHOP. =]

After that, he wasn't feeling that great, and I was pretty tired, so we ended up going home, and skipping the movie. But we were okay with that.

Things went amazing. After we got close to my house, we just kind of stopped and kissed, hugged, and all that kind of stuff. And damn, he makes it really hard to be good.. the tension is ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I was able to control myself, and he was able to control himself. But I'm excited to see where this goes.. His touch, and the way he looks, and treats me are just amazing. He's so awesome. Here I go getting close again, ha ha. Go figure. I mean, for the most part, I'm still guarded, but I dig him for sure..

But, yesterday was amazing..

New guy. Ha.

I'm going on a date tomorrow with this guy Steven that I have a thing for. I'm pretty excited, I must say. He's a cool cat, let me tell you.

So, we're doing the whole cliche date; dinner and a movie. But, I don't mid that at all. =]

So, he's going to meet me at my house at 3:15 or so. Then, we're gonna walk down to the old U-High, and just hang out there and talk for a couple hours. From there, we'll head down to T.G.I. Fridays (because I've never been there, and he said it was good.) After that, We'll probably hang out for awhile, and then go to a later showing of Clash of the Titans. Then after that, who knows. =]

But, I'm very excited. I like him, and he likes me, so keep your fingers crossed everybody, because we all know my luck with guys..

I'll be okay.

Things are okay with my boy and I. I talked to him today to tell him I will not be the only one trying in the relationship if things work out, because it seemed like that was going to be the case.. but, he heard me out, which was good. I'm good now.

I'm still kind of down though still. But, I'm slowly making my way back up. Just going through my occasional funk.. I'll make it through. I always do. But, that's pretty much all I had to say.

Yeah, that's it.

I've realized I'm depressed, because I've just been feeling so lonely. Yeah, I got to hang out with the guy I liked Saturday, but it just wasn't enough. Lately, getting him to talk has been like pulling teeth, and it's starting to bring me down, because of course I think it's me.. awesome..

I texted him asking if I could call him later tonight, and have gotten no reply.. awesome.. I need to talk to him. Hopefully he texts me back..

I've even been exercising, and it's not helping with my depression.. Lame..

Whatever..

A tear.

And a tear started it all.

All I needed was a good cry to flush away my insecurities, worries, doubts, anger, sadness, and more.. I heard from my boy right after I posted that first blog.. go fucking figure. But right as he texted me, I started crying.

I felt so stupid doing it of course, but afterward, I was in an awesome mood, and still am. This are good; I'm a spaz.

I get to go to a concert tonight with Renee, so I'm excited about that.. I get to see my boy tonight too. =]

It should be a great night for sure.

That feeling..

I hate the feeling when you feel like your heart is actually breaking.
Or, the feeling that you need to cry.
I hate the feeling of knowing I've fucked something up.
Or, the feeling of having no idea what's going on.
I hate the feeling you get when you think someone is intentionally ignoring you.
Or, the feeling the person you care about doesn't want to contact you at all.
And I hate the feeling of being alone, even when there are people around you.

Last night I felt so alone, I felt like my heart hurt. I was freezing cold. I tossed and turned in bed. My legs, chest, and even eyes were twitching. I shivered like I have never shivered before. I felt like crying, but there weren't tears to do so.

I lied in bed, staring at my phone, hoping to hear from him, and nothing. This morning, nothing. Right now, nothing. I was scared to get close because of this, but I did anyway. I always do. Every single time. And I regret it, every single time. I wish I would learn already..

Then my mind starts racing; What did I do? What did I say? Did I hold on too tight? Did I not hold on enough? Is something else wrong? Should I keep waiting? Should I move on? What do I feel?..

I don't know. I'm pathetic. No wonder I can't be in a relationship. No wonder guys don't want to be with me. I'm the one who fucks it up.

Always.

Come here. Let me hold you.
I'll never let go. You're all I need.

Tell me I'm the only one you want.
Because you're the only one I want.

I'm not lying.

Lay with me, and kiss me.
Look into my eyes.

I'm scared, and you're scared.
We're both aware.

But that's the thrill.

If you can trust me, I'll trust you.
I'd never hurt you, ever.

We could learn to trust together.
That way, we're both not alone.

That way, I've got you, and you've got me..

6:00 am

Today is Saturday, and for some reason I managed to wake up right at 6:00. So, I've been up for about an hour and a half now. Britt and Stephanie are still sleeping.

But, I just looked out the window to see this.


I love it. It's slightly chilly outside, but the robins are chirping. I love that sound. It reminds me that spring is coming, and following that is summer. I can't wait.

So, I just felt like sharing that. That is all.

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Speak to me..

I love songs that get me thinking. I was watching the show Sober House, and this song was on it.. I really liked it. I looked it up on YouTube, and it really kind of spoke to me. Actually, I just like all of his stuff.



Anyway.. Life has been amazing. Senior project is over, and I'm inching one step closer to graduation everyday and I couldn't be any more excited.

I'm stoked to get on with my career. I want to go to SCC in the fall to go get my welding certification. After that, I'll start my career. I don't know if I want to be an underwater welder, or an out of water welder.. all I know is I want to be a welder.

I'm excited though. Life is great. I've also been talking to a really great guy lately. I guess you could say he's a guy I wouldn't normally go for. He's a rapper, but it doesn't bother me at all. Nonetheless, he's great. He left me cutest voicemail while I was in class a couple days ago. =]

I hate how I've already become really attatched to him.. usual me. Whatever I guess.. All I can tell you is that I'm really happy.. right now at least. I like the feeling. I miss it. We started talking at first about a year ago, and then all of a sudden I hadn't heard from him. But then last weekend, he dropped me a line online, and I was so excited.. we exchanged numbers.

Since Brandan, I've jumped around with liking a lot of guys. But for some reason, I like this guy more than the others. I guess we'll have to see where this goes..

It's best not to ask..

So, Rob and I were texting, and this is how it went..

Rob: Haha yeah..
Me: whats with the dots? lol
Rob: I dunno lol they have a mind of their own
Me: oh, so they just like 2 pop up randomly? without consent? without warning? lol
Rob: Ya they are douche bags like that..lol
Me: r u just gonna take that shit?
Rob: Yeah lol they are funny :)
Me: do they crack jokes all the time? cuz id put up with that shit 2 if they did that.
Rob: Lol yeah they are the life of the party
Me: r they the kind of dots that bring the beer?
Rob: Hell yes!
Me: wow.. those dots r the shit
Rob: Haha i know right?
Me: im kinda jealous now.. all my dots do is drop hints, and add suspense
Rob: Haha i guess i'm just a partier
Me: i guess so, lol
Rob: Lol dam i'm awesome
Me: i know. yer sexy, yer awesome. youve got it, man
Rob: Haha for sure! :)
Me: u r so cool.. i wanna b just like u when i grow up..
Rob: Haha whatever


I heart this boy.. =]

My Donnie Darko

I should have seen it when we were together.
The signs were there, but I was blind.
There was something wrong; I could tell by the way you became silent.

You wouldn't look at me.
You wouldn't talk to me.

It was like you weren't even there.
Like you were in a trance.
You were in a whole new dimension, a totally different world.

I could feel a darkness come off of you.

It scared me.
I didn't know what to think.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't know what to do, and I was scared.

The distance slowly became apparent.
I no longer knew who you were.
You wouldn't talk to me.
You pulled away, and you ran for your life, and that was it.


There we were again.
We were talking again.
Things were looking up again.

And then all was lost again.
You had left again.
You left me again.

But I should have seen it.
It all added up, but I couldn't do the math.

You were my Donnie Darko.

So, this kid is going to prom..

Yeah, it's true. Me, Carrera Holden, the one who's against dances and stuff of that sort, is going to prom.

But I'll be completely honest; I'm so excited!

I went out looking for dresses, which was a weird concept for me, ha ha. Haven't found anything yet. But, I want a fairly simple black dress, with red accessories to match my tattoo.

I decided today that I wanted to go.. I asked Nick, and he said yeah, so I'm pretty excited. He's like my best friend, so there's no pressure.

It's going to be righteous. It's a once in a lifetime thing, so I felt like I needed to go.

But anyways, I just thought I'd share. =]

What I hate about you.

I hate how I can't erase you.
I hate how I feel like I'm able to move on, and then you come up again.
I hate how I still think about how happy you made me.
I hate how I'm still attracted to you.
I hate how you cross my mind.
I hate how you kill me inside, but I don't mind it.

I hate how you smile, and how it makes me melt.
I hate your voice, and how calm it is.
I hate your eyes, and how gorgeous they are.

I hate how I hate you.
I hate how I want to leave you behind.
I hate how I try to make you move on too.

But most of all, I hate how I still love you..

.....

Hmm... how to describe it..

Well..

You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you

(Help me)
I broke apart my insides
(Help me)
I've got no soul to sell
(Help me)
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed

You get me closer to God

You can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything

(Help me)
Tear down my reason
(Help me)
It's your sex I can smell
(Help me)
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed

You get me closer to God

Through every forest, above the trees
Within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
You are the reason I stay alive

Alrighty then.

So, I was contemplating joining the Navy for awhile, but I've decided that I just want to go to a technical college, like Bates Technical College in Tacoma. They have apprenticeship programs there, so that means I could get some training, while making money too. So, I'll get a degree, and training, and then I can go out and apply to some shops..

I'd love to do welding on cars and such, since I have a little experience doing that with the truck (which is running now!!)

It's weird though.. every time I think about looking up welding jobs, and schools, I go onto the computer, type it in, and I always see Tacoma pop up; so, I think that's God saying that I need to be in Tacoma. It's out of Spokane, but still close enough to my family.

I've also gotten numbers for some of the metal workers unions, so joining a union would be something I could do. Great benefits, and great money. Not to mention, I'd be doing something I loved to do, that would also be challenging, and exciting everyday.

I'm pretty excited about my future now, because I finally have a good grasp on what it is that I want to do. Now I just need to graduate, and get out there! 5 more months.. I'm pretty damn excited!

But, aside from that, I went to the chiropractor today for the first time, since I had been running into neck problems, constant pain, and even hearing problems (not sure if my neck is the cause, but we'll see).

Anyways, it was great, ha ha. I can move my back and neck so much better now! It's been quite awhile since I've been able to move as freely. I'm not dizzy right now either, which is a definite plus. I have more appointments coming up, and I'm hoping this will clear up a lot of the problems I've been having.

But, I just wanted to talk about what's new with me. Kind of long, but it happens..

That's all for now.

Xanadu; it's in most bargain bins.

Yes.

Art.

Fingers are permanently stained from the creativity I seek.
I am the one who paints where the sky meets the mountain tops.
I am the one who captures life through a lens.
I am the one who writes melodies from experience.

I play my guitar like I breathe, and I strum up, down, I breathe in, out.
I draw what I see like my hand is a camera.
I write stories of agony, and I write stories of indescribable happiness.
I am nothing but art.

Not enough time in a day to express what I feel, and see.
Every chance I get, I have a pencil in hand, or a guitar, or a paintbrush.
I skip meals to give myself time to do what I love.
It's like I need it.
I want it.
It's my whole life now.

It's a fantasy that I created, that brings me to real life in a way that nobody could understand.
I am art.
It runs through my veins.
It's all I see.

Art.