The walls

I've been doing a lot of letting go lately. It sounds bad, but for me, someone who holds on even when there's no chance of redemption, it's turning out to be good for me.

Sometimes you let go of someone to see if they'll come after you. Like with me lately, I'll fight for a person I care for, but have let them go because they aren't willing to fight back for me. It seems childish, but I've gotten a good feel for who really has my back, and who doesn't.

I guess it's almost like that saying, sometimes we build up walls to see who's willing to break them down. Have I become slightly stand-offish again? I think a little bit, yes. But I think I'm a hell of a lot stronger now than I was even 6 months ago.

I was seeing a guy in Kennewick, and of course that didn't work out, but at the time it was amazing. Of course, he started to pull away from me, but still remained to be physical toward me. I stood my ground, telling him it's not fair that he doesn't want to see me, but still wants to be physical.. I found out he was seeing someone else, and just wouldn't be straight up about it.

I let go, and moved on.

I was seeing this guy who was 25, which means he was 6 years older than myself. I thought that maybe because he was older, he wouldn't play games. But I was very wrong. Now, this guy was a complete ass to me. All the time. and he picked fights with me every single day. But it pissed him off because he couldn't control me. The things he said were ridiculous, and I could tell he was very self-conscious. Even moreso than myself.

We had gotten in another big fight, just because I couldn't go see him right when he wanted me to, as if my world revolved around him. He proceeded to try to blame the fight on me, but I turned it around on him because nothing I did was the wrong thing to do. Nothing I ever did was good enough. He was emotionally abusive, and I had had enough.

I let go, and moved on.

I feel like I'm going from relationship to relationship. Actually, I've been seeing guys here and there. I haven't actually been in a relationship since August. But it's never-ending.

On the bright side, I may be moving out pretty soon here. I'm very excited for that. But I suppose that's all I have for now..