It's been awhile since I've just blogged about anything and everything. I usually have some big story to tell, but right now, I only have little things.. but enough little things to have a nice sized blog, ha ha!
So, my dad is in AA, and counseling, and him and Jude are in marriage counseling. THANK THE GOOD LORD! Maybe Judy will treat me better after this thing gets better.. because she almost lost me when she was thinking about leaving my dad. I've seen my dad a few times, and I can tell he's getting better.
He came to my RAWK preliminary concert.. along with everybody else!! That concert rocked! We won too, so now we move onto the Final Four.. for those of you who don't quite know what I'm talking about, I usually blog about my band on another URL. We're recording this Friday too, so I'm stoked as hell to do that!
The band thing keeps getting better and better! I'm in love with this band, and I have the greatest brothers a girl could ask for! I love you Taylor, Austin, and Christian!
School's going pretty good. The only hard part about it right now is the tests I have to take in my classes. I'm a horrible test taker, because I blank when I get the test. Stupid anxiety, ha ha! It's okay, someday I'll get over it.. I hope.
I'm really wanting the weather to get warmer. Not that I can't live in the cold, because I can more than anyone because of the fact that I don't get cold. I just want the snow to melt.. so I can ride the bike I got for Christmas!! I want to get in shape again, because I've gained all my fat back, ha ha! I don't like that.
So, nothing too exciting in the life of Chaz..
Peace out, Rock on
Chazzy Chaz Hetfield
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Bad dreams..
A couple of nights ago, I had some bad dreams.. the first one, it was just Judy, my dad and I. My dad was going psycho after coming home from the (casino?) He was throwing things, and mumbling, and he looked enraged. He was slamming doors, and he had this car, drove it out of the driveway, and then got out as it was still running.
It was dark outside, and I think he had a bottle of booze in his hands. We weren't at our hose.. but it was our house, just, a different looking house. Judy was freaking out, so her and I went into her room, and locked ourselves in it.
My dream flashed out to where my dad was, and he was just pacing around the driveway. Then, this car pulls into the driveway, and two men were in the car. My dream gets close to them, and they look evil, and demonic. Their eyes were red, and then they'd go white. My dad walks toward the car, and then I woke up.
That probably doesn't seem scary, but it was so realistic, and dramatic. I prayed to God that could get that image out of my head. It was really early in the morning, so after I got done praying, I tried to go back to sleep, and I did.
But then, I had another bad dream. The second dream was at U-High. There was a mass shooting there, and I was stuck in my psychology class. My teacher wasn't there though. Outside, it showed about 20+ cop cars outside. I remember seeing blood randomly.
My dream goes over to a man with a gun, wearing all black, and he asked this girl a question. His question was unclear to me, but she was shaking on the ground, crying, and said "What?" to him, and he shot her right then and there.
I don't remember all of the details, but I just remember seeing a lot of cops, and a few of the killers.
I don't quite know what to think about the dreams. It sucks that I had two bad dreams in one night. What is wrong with me?..
It was dark outside, and I think he had a bottle of booze in his hands. We weren't at our hose.. but it was our house, just, a different looking house. Judy was freaking out, so her and I went into her room, and locked ourselves in it.
My dream flashed out to where my dad was, and he was just pacing around the driveway. Then, this car pulls into the driveway, and two men were in the car. My dream gets close to them, and they look evil, and demonic. Their eyes were red, and then they'd go white. My dad walks toward the car, and then I woke up.
That probably doesn't seem scary, but it was so realistic, and dramatic. I prayed to God that could get that image out of my head. It was really early in the morning, so after I got done praying, I tried to go back to sleep, and I did.
But then, I had another bad dream. The second dream was at U-High. There was a mass shooting there, and I was stuck in my psychology class. My teacher wasn't there though. Outside, it showed about 20+ cop cars outside. I remember seeing blood randomly.
My dream goes over to a man with a gun, wearing all black, and he asked this girl a question. His question was unclear to me, but she was shaking on the ground, crying, and said "What?" to him, and he shot her right then and there.
I don't remember all of the details, but I just remember seeing a lot of cops, and a few of the killers.
I don't quite know what to think about the dreams. It sucks that I had two bad dreams in one night. What is wrong with me?..
Friday, January 9, 2009
I shall continue..
So, my dad has been going to AA, which is a good thing, and is a blessing. He said he's going to try to go to counseling, which will also be good for him. He's living with his dad for now, and I'm glad he didn't move right back in yet, because it's too soon for that.
I also found out my dad's side of what happened that night, and it's so confusing to me.. I wish I knew what exactly happened, because I the kind of person who likes to know, because I hate the confusion.. but I'll never know, and I have to learn how to leave it at that.
My dad's story was that Judy had been picking at him all day, and he really didn't want to go out on a date. She got him to go, but he wasn't happy. Judy didn't like how he was up tight, so she got him a shot of tequila to loosen him up.
They went home, and he went into the shop. He admitted to my mom that he did think about killing himself, but he didn't because God told him not to, and he didn't want to abandon me and Brittany. Judy walked in, and started picking at him again, and he already had the gun loaded, and he said he got to a point where he just stopped hearing her.. but she kept talking.
He then picks up the gun, and she grabs it, and he went to shoot it up into the air to shut her up, and he did. That's when Judy came into the house..
I have two stories.. I almost believe my dad's more, and here's why;
The gun my dad had was a shot gun. The barrel of a shot gun is made long for a reason, and he wouldn't have been able to put it in his mouth and pull the trigger too, and when Judy told me that that's what happened, I visioned it, because I'm visual, and I knew that wasn't quite right.
Apparently, Judy told my mom a few different stories too, and she wasn't constant with the stories, so that also sways how I feel.
I think Judy was trying to make my dad look bad, and tried to hurt him, but ended up hurting my sister and I more.
This is a big deal, and it's still hard to handle, especially since I don't know whose story to believe.
So, there was my life changing event.
I feel like a different person now too. I don't know if it's because of what happened, but I fell really different. I look at myself differently, and my attitude about things has changed. It's a weird feeling, almost like I'm not really the old me. I just feel, so different.
I'm praying things will go back to normal.. God will make everything okay again, but it's going to take time..
I also found out my dad's side of what happened that night, and it's so confusing to me.. I wish I knew what exactly happened, because I the kind of person who likes to know, because I hate the confusion.. but I'll never know, and I have to learn how to leave it at that.
My dad's story was that Judy had been picking at him all day, and he really didn't want to go out on a date. She got him to go, but he wasn't happy. Judy didn't like how he was up tight, so she got him a shot of tequila to loosen him up.
They went home, and he went into the shop. He admitted to my mom that he did think about killing himself, but he didn't because God told him not to, and he didn't want to abandon me and Brittany. Judy walked in, and started picking at him again, and he already had the gun loaded, and he said he got to a point where he just stopped hearing her.. but she kept talking.
He then picks up the gun, and she grabs it, and he went to shoot it up into the air to shut her up, and he did. That's when Judy came into the house..
I have two stories.. I almost believe my dad's more, and here's why;
The gun my dad had was a shot gun. The barrel of a shot gun is made long for a reason, and he wouldn't have been able to put it in his mouth and pull the trigger too, and when Judy told me that that's what happened, I visioned it, because I'm visual, and I knew that wasn't quite right.
Apparently, Judy told my mom a few different stories too, and she wasn't constant with the stories, so that also sways how I feel.
I think Judy was trying to make my dad look bad, and tried to hurt him, but ended up hurting my sister and I more.
This is a big deal, and it's still hard to handle, especially since I don't know whose story to believe.
So, there was my life changing event.
I feel like a different person now too. I don't know if it's because of what happened, but I fell really different. I look at myself differently, and my attitude about things has changed. It's a weird feeling, almost like I'm not really the old me. I just feel, so different.
I'm praying things will go back to normal.. God will make everything okay again, but it's going to take time..
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The worst heart-break.. ever
I don't want to go to much into this, because it's a long story, so, I'll point out the important parts that will help this all make sense.
A couple Saturdays ago, I woke up with a slight feeling that something was wrong, but I put it in the back of my mind, not realizing that it was going to be a life-changing event.
The day was going pretty well. Us kids, including Bella, were out building snow forts, and just enjoying Christmas break. Everybody seemed okay, so I pushed the thought further behind in my head.
Dad and Judy wanted to go out on a date, so they did, and Brittany's friend, Selena, came over to stay the night. A couple of hours later, they came home, and right as they pulled into the driveway, the felling hit me like a freight-train. Judy walked in, and there were tears in her eyes, and she had informed us that they got in a fight.. the alcohol brings out the worst in my dad.
She was upset, and she went into the bathroom to change her clothes. My dad came in a little later, from being in the shop, because that's where he went right as they got home. I could tell he was either drunk, or really upset, by the way he was slightly staggering, looking at the ground.
Luckily Selena was there, because Britt and I would've gotten an ear full, and I really didn't want that at 9:00 at night, and because we don't deserve to get yelled at when we'd done nothing. He then heads back out into the shop.
Judy later goes into the shop to see what was wrong with him, and a few minutes later, she comes back in, in hysterics, telling Britt, Selena and I to get into Britt and Kaitlyn's room, and to lay on the ground.
Laying there, a million thoughts went through my head. I heard people talking outside, and Judy talking, and I heard her say that my dad tried to kill himself. I heard her tell the cops that, and I looked up, and through the curtain, I saw the cops with my dad.
They took him away.
Judy said that when she walked into the shop, that he had the gun in his mouth, and she pulled it away as he pulled the trigger, and it shot through the shop roof. There was a shot hole to prove it..
He was taken to jail, and was put on 72 hour suicide watch. I called my mom to come pick my sister and I up and take us to her house, even though Judy wanted us to stay there.. I couldn't be there, so I left.
The pain that went through me was the worst pain I've ever been in. There will never be anything that comes close to how I felt. Nothing.
A few days later, my aunt Tanya went to see him in jail, and talked to him, since they were so close when my mom and dad were still married. He told her that he wanted to get help, and that he realized he needed help. He told her that he didn't want to die.
She bailed him out, and I was upset, but she did so he could get help, and he seemed like he was really going to do this..
It's been a long day, so I will finish this tomorrow..
A couple Saturdays ago, I woke up with a slight feeling that something was wrong, but I put it in the back of my mind, not realizing that it was going to be a life-changing event.
The day was going pretty well. Us kids, including Bella, were out building snow forts, and just enjoying Christmas break. Everybody seemed okay, so I pushed the thought further behind in my head.
Dad and Judy wanted to go out on a date, so they did, and Brittany's friend, Selena, came over to stay the night. A couple of hours later, they came home, and right as they pulled into the driveway, the felling hit me like a freight-train. Judy walked in, and there were tears in her eyes, and she had informed us that they got in a fight.. the alcohol brings out the worst in my dad.
She was upset, and she went into the bathroom to change her clothes. My dad came in a little later, from being in the shop, because that's where he went right as they got home. I could tell he was either drunk, or really upset, by the way he was slightly staggering, looking at the ground.
Luckily Selena was there, because Britt and I would've gotten an ear full, and I really didn't want that at 9:00 at night, and because we don't deserve to get yelled at when we'd done nothing. He then heads back out into the shop.
Judy later goes into the shop to see what was wrong with him, and a few minutes later, she comes back in, in hysterics, telling Britt, Selena and I to get into Britt and Kaitlyn's room, and to lay on the ground.
Laying there, a million thoughts went through my head. I heard people talking outside, and Judy talking, and I heard her say that my dad tried to kill himself. I heard her tell the cops that, and I looked up, and through the curtain, I saw the cops with my dad.
They took him away.
Judy said that when she walked into the shop, that he had the gun in his mouth, and she pulled it away as he pulled the trigger, and it shot through the shop roof. There was a shot hole to prove it..
He was taken to jail, and was put on 72 hour suicide watch. I called my mom to come pick my sister and I up and take us to her house, even though Judy wanted us to stay there.. I couldn't be there, so I left.
The pain that went through me was the worst pain I've ever been in. There will never be anything that comes close to how I felt. Nothing.
A few days later, my aunt Tanya went to see him in jail, and talked to him, since they were so close when my mom and dad were still married. He told her that he wanted to get help, and that he realized he needed help. He told her that he didn't want to die.
She bailed him out, and I was upset, but she did so he could get help, and he seemed like he was really going to do this..
It's been a long day, so I will finish this tomorrow..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)