Super-Tard Deluxe

I was looking at a picture of Steven and I we took last Friday, and I've decided I look like a super-tard deluxe.. and that's SO a Katie term.. =]

I suppose I'll have to put the picture up.. Because it is quite funny. We're on the bus, ha ha. His Trans Am isn't fixed yet, but it will be soon! I'm excited, because I'm lame and don't have a car. But anyway, pretty funny picture.

So, he came over just to see my for like an hour and a half. It was great. I love seeing him. He's such a dork, but I love it. He likes to see what he can get away with, with me. It's quite funny.

So, I've decided tongue piercings are kind of fun. =] And blue eyes are my weakness..


That is all for now..

Bite me.

So, this kid right here went on a date yesterday, and it was awesome. I met with him at like 3:30, and from there, we walked to the old U-High. When we got there, we just hung out in the grass for like three hours, and it was awesome. We talked, and kissed, and got all playful. =]

But now, I have a couple hickeys, ha ha. Crazy stuff right there. Let me say though, it's been interesting trying to hide them from the parents, especially since they're on my neck. He got me pretty good, but, I liked it, I won't lie. You can see the bite marks on the right side of my neck; classy, ha ha. But, whatever.

I looked at my phone, and noticed it was 6:00. Didn't seem like time went by that fast, but it did. So, by that time, we decided we wanted to get something to eat. So, we headed off to IHOP since T.G.I. Fridays was closed.. I love me some IHOP. =]

After that, he wasn't feeling that great, and I was pretty tired, so we ended up going home, and skipping the movie. But we were okay with that.

Things went amazing. After we got close to my house, we just kind of stopped and kissed, hugged, and all that kind of stuff. And damn, he makes it really hard to be good.. the tension is ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I was able to control myself, and he was able to control himself. But I'm excited to see where this goes.. His touch, and the way he looks, and treats me are just amazing. He's so awesome. Here I go getting close again, ha ha. Go figure. I mean, for the most part, I'm still guarded, but I dig him for sure..

But, yesterday was amazing..

New guy. Ha.

I'm going on a date tomorrow with this guy Steven that I have a thing for. I'm pretty excited, I must say. He's a cool cat, let me tell you.

So, we're doing the whole cliche date; dinner and a movie. But, I don't mid that at all. =]

So, he's going to meet me at my house at 3:15 or so. Then, we're gonna walk down to the old U-High, and just hang out there and talk for a couple hours. From there, we'll head down to T.G.I. Fridays (because I've never been there, and he said it was good.) After that, We'll probably hang out for awhile, and then go to a later showing of Clash of the Titans. Then after that, who knows. =]

But, I'm very excited. I like him, and he likes me, so keep your fingers crossed everybody, because we all know my luck with guys..

I'll be okay.

Things are okay with my boy and I. I talked to him today to tell him I will not be the only one trying in the relationship if things work out, because it seemed like that was going to be the case.. but, he heard me out, which was good. I'm good now.

I'm still kind of down though still. But, I'm slowly making my way back up. Just going through my occasional funk.. I'll make it through. I always do. But, that's pretty much all I had to say.

Yeah, that's it.

I've realized I'm depressed, because I've just been feeling so lonely. Yeah, I got to hang out with the guy I liked Saturday, but it just wasn't enough. Lately, getting him to talk has been like pulling teeth, and it's starting to bring me down, because of course I think it's me.. awesome..

I texted him asking if I could call him later tonight, and have gotten no reply.. awesome.. I need to talk to him. Hopefully he texts me back..

I've even been exercising, and it's not helping with my depression.. Lame..

Whatever..

A tear.

And a tear started it all.

All I needed was a good cry to flush away my insecurities, worries, doubts, anger, sadness, and more.. I heard from my boy right after I posted that first blog.. go fucking figure. But right as he texted me, I started crying.

I felt so stupid doing it of course, but afterward, I was in an awesome mood, and still am. This are good; I'm a spaz.

I get to go to a concert tonight with Renee, so I'm excited about that.. I get to see my boy tonight too. =]

It should be a great night for sure.

That feeling..

I hate the feeling when you feel like your heart is actually breaking.
Or, the feeling that you need to cry.
I hate the feeling of knowing I've fucked something up.
Or, the feeling of having no idea what's going on.
I hate the feeling you get when you think someone is intentionally ignoring you.
Or, the feeling the person you care about doesn't want to contact you at all.
And I hate the feeling of being alone, even when there are people around you.

Last night I felt so alone, I felt like my heart hurt. I was freezing cold. I tossed and turned in bed. My legs, chest, and even eyes were twitching. I shivered like I have never shivered before. I felt like crying, but there weren't tears to do so.

I lied in bed, staring at my phone, hoping to hear from him, and nothing. This morning, nothing. Right now, nothing. I was scared to get close because of this, but I did anyway. I always do. Every single time. And I regret it, every single time. I wish I would learn already..

Then my mind starts racing; What did I do? What did I say? Did I hold on too tight? Did I not hold on enough? Is something else wrong? Should I keep waiting? Should I move on? What do I feel?..

I don't know. I'm pathetic. No wonder I can't be in a relationship. No wonder guys don't want to be with me. I'm the one who fucks it up.