Empty.

Okay, I know these feelings aren't here because I'm not with Leo anymore, but I can't figure what else they could be from. My mood has been in the low range for several days now, and I'm searching for what it could possibly be.

I've been thinking it could possibly be feelings for Jordan.. still. I don't know what it was about him that kept me attached.. In actuality, he wasn't that great of a boyfriend. He never held my hands, and hugged me, or even touched me in any way (not sick touching). He never complimented me. I don't know for sure what it was.

Maybe it's because I miss him as a friend. I miss being as close as we were. I miss just calling him to say hi, and talk about random things. I miss just hanging out just because we were bored. I miss shooting hoops with him, and poking fun at each other.

I try and message him and text him once in a while just to see how he's doing, but his answers are always pretty short.. They usually are kinda short, but shorter than normal. I want to hang out with him again, but I don't want it to be awkward, and I have a feeling it would be.

He doesn't seem to have any interest in me whatsoever, even as a friend, and it sucks. And the worst part is, he's acting like this, and he broke up with me.

He never sends me anything. I tried to still be friends, but it seems like it's impossible. I've tried with A.J., Jordan, and Steve. A.J. is the only one who I can talk to just fine, but we're not close anymore. I've tried with Jordan, and still have nothing. I stopped trying so much with Steve.. I feel like it'll be a waste of time. Hell, I still can't even talk to Dalten the same, and we didn't even date.

I don't know what to do. I don't really think there's anything I can do.

I have this urge to cry right now. Not necessarily because of this stuff, but just in general. I feel like I need to. I haven't in a long time, and I think I'm due.. but I really don't want to because I hate it so much.

I don't know.. there's just something wrong with me.

Odrama

No, this is not about president Obama..

Take the "o" off, and you get "drama." Screw drama.

Today was supposed to be a "band discussion" day, but it didn't end up that way. Everyone made it, but it wasn't just us four.. instead, Austin's sister and her boyfriend made it too. I almost think he told them to come and watch, the whole time mind you, just so we wouldn't chew him out.

I had a lot to say to that boy, and so did Taylor and Christian, but no, of course not. It's put off once again. But, at least he made it.. well, I gave him a ride there, but still, we practiced.

On top of that, my ex-boyfriend kept texting me wondering why I broke up with him, which didn't help my mood at all.

By the way, I was dating this guy Leo for, what would be three weeks today, and he was sweet and all, but was a lot less mature than me, and was very clingy.. long story short.

He kept texting me, and bugging me about why I did, even though when called I him to break up with him, I told him straight up. He asked a few times if he'd ever have a chance with me again, and that's when my "big brother" stepped in. This was during practice, so Christian asked me if he could text Leo, and I let him.

He told him to leave me alone. Leo texted back saying he would. Problem solved. Taylor even said that if he texted me again, that he would personally call him to let him know what was up. I have great big brothers, even though they're younger than me, ha ha!

So, I think I have that taken care of. But I will say for the hundredth time, I hate drama. The end.

This was just my rant of the week.

Oh my band..

Why must there be drama in my band?

Drama sucks. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

If it's not with Christian, it's Austin. That kid, I swear!!! I'm tired of him being a flake. He isn't into the band like he used to be. I can tell. It hurts Christian, Taylor and I too. We're all three trying to keep this together, but Austin's not trying.

He's slacking. I don't know what it is either, and it hurts because I want to get him going again. He's my brother, and I don't want to see him become more and more distant. I don't want to look for another drummer. I don't want to leave him behind, because this band is my life.

I put so much energy into this band, and I don't want it to fall apart because of one person. At least with Christian and I, we end up working our problems out. But Austin doesn't want to do anything about his problems. All he does is use them as an excuse not to practice.

I just want to tell him to man up. I've gone through a lot too, and I don't give up on school, the band, or myself. Sure it hurts, but I'm not going to let everyone else down just because I'm down. That's just plain ridiculous.

Thursday is our designated "band discussion day" and he's not even sure if he's going to go. What a freaking surprise. I just hope things work out, because I'm tired of my outlet being something that stresses me out more.

Trust.

I never realized how much of a trust issue I had until something that happened today. I won't go into detail about it, because it's getting taken care of, but how I felt about it is something I need to discuss in my head, and on here, and maybe someone can help me..

I don't trust easy at all. I have a very difficult time doing so, even with family.
It's like, I try so hard to hold onto everything, trying to force myself to trust, but then things slip out of my hand. It's hard to know what to do after that, and how to get back on my feet.

What ends up happening is I lose trust of everybody around me, even if they didn't do anything to fuel the fire, and I shut down. I close off to everybody.. again..

That's my defense mechanism, but most often than not, it makes things worse. I've been in counseling for a few years now, and I still haven't learned how to take care of myself in that respect.

Slowly all of this eats at me.. I can tell.. even though I can be so happy, on the inside, there's something missing, and that's the lack of trust I have in people.. I need to do something about this, but I'm not quite sure what..