It's time.

To clean my room.
To wipe the slate clean.
To find myself once again.
It's time to organize.
To prioritize.
To end the lies.
It's time to clean my room.

Go through the old, and replace it with new.
To dust off the things that need not be forgotten.
To look through memories; shed a tear, slip a smile.
To throw away the useless, and make room to breathe.
It's time to clean my room.

It's time to escape.
It's time to relocate.
It's time to imagine.
To feel again.
To get rid of stress.
It's time to clean my room.

No, really, it is. Ha ha!!

Eventful few weeks..

I haven't written about the bands' adventures in awhile.

We've played a couple shows since the last time I wrote, and both the shows were at the Cretin Hop, which we won't be playing at anymore..

The shows were back to back too, which was actually pretty exhausting. The second of the two shows, Taylor was too sick to even play. But, we played without him, which was very weird to say the least.

But, it was still a good show, and so was the other show, the day before. We have fun at any show we play really.

Also, since I've written last, we've written three more songs! We pretty much have our ballad, "Rescue You" down, so I guess I should say we've really only written two more. Nonetheless, we've written more stuff, and both songs are amazing sounding!

The first one of the two isn't really finished fully yet because we feel like there's something missing, but it still sounds pretty good. The second one is even better, and is turning into one of our favorites of our stuff.

So, not too much has happened, but we're still moving along.

Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

The snowball effect..

I always seem to hold things in until I just break.

This month just never brings anything good. Well, the one thing that started in March is the band, but that's it. For me, March is a month of hell.

It's the month Buddy, our old dog, got put down because of a certain incident. It's the month my papa died. And it's really the month where everybody who I've talked about God to ends up throwing away their belief.

I'm currently in a funk of some sort.. depression maybe, and it wouldn't surprise me. A couple nights ago, I went into my room to go to sleep. I'm laying in bed, and thoughts are rushing through my head; the whole deal with a former friend, the deal with a guy I liked, the whole deal with a friend losing faith in God altogether, the remembrance of my papa.. it's all running through my head, and this was without warning at all.

I started crying. The kind of cry where you can hardly breathe, or an "ugly cry."

I cried for awhile, just letting out what I've needed to get out for a long time. I don't remember going to sleep at all. That was it. I crashed, and I needed to because I was tired of the thoughts.

I'm always tired of the thoughts. I've been giving it all to God, because He's the only one I can trust, and I pray that He takes my pain away.

The stuff that's been haunting me happened for a reason though, and that's what I've been trying to tell myself. I know it'll get better, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

So, the bottom line is, I hate March. It brings me down. I'm tired of being down, especially if it's for a whole month.. just make it stop..

Just frustrated..

I really am. Mostly at guys, and their need to lead girls on. (I don't want negative comments, because I want to rant.)

Okay, so I started liking this guy about three weeks ago, to a month ago. He seemed so cool. He loves Jesus, and follows His word. He doesn't do drugs, drink alcohol, or have sex. He's cute, and funny, and overall sweet.

Screw guys.. I start liking him, and it seemed like he was starting to become interested in me, and then all of a sudden he acts like I'm invisible.

Thanks dude, I appreciate you leading me on. Go text, and flirt with the new girl. I don't care. Do what you want.

Stupid boys. Grow a brain for Pete's sake. Or a heart. Or open your eyes. Whatever you need to do I guess.

I'm frustrated right now.

But I wish I wasn't so grown up. Sometimes I get angry that I grew up the way I did. I couldn't enjoy my childhood. I was forced to grow up quick, and look what it did. It's kicking me in the butt. I'm almost too mature for my age. I wish I could just act my age, not like, five to ten years older.

I wish I could find a cool guy who's actually interested in me. That's part of my maturity problem. I feel the need, well, I don't need, but I want a boyfriend. It fills an emptiness in me, and I like it.

I hate to complain, but sometimes I need to.

Just screw guys.

.. My rant is over now.

Quiet time..

So, this blog is completely random, and really doesn't have any important info in it, but I just felt like writing.

No one's home right now. It's just me, the dogs, the cats, and the bird. So, it's pretty quiet, which is nice.. except Zippy my bird keeps chirping, but he's a bird, he does that.

I haven't really had alone time in awhile. It's really nice. Britt stayed with Selena, Kaitlyn is with her dad, and dad and Jude are still gone, since today is their seven year anniversary.

I've been playing video games, ha ha! I love it. I haven't played in awhile, and since I don't have to share the t.v. with anybody else, I thought today was the perfect day to play a little.

I'm probably going to draw a little, listen to my music as loud as I want, and practice my screaming to see if I could use it in our music, since Christian is starting to develop a growl himself.

I'm kinda of sad thought that I missed church this morning. I love going to church since Eric is an amazing pastor. Jacob's Well is nothing like Grace Harvest.. thank God! I feel so at home at Jacob's Well.. but maybe that's because I'm there on other days besides Sundays for band practice. I don't know. Nonetheless, it's a great church to say the least.

I'm so glad that the weather isn't snowy any more. I'm ready to get back into shape, and I'm starting earlier than I did last year. Plus exercising will help me with my anxiety, because I've been getting more attacks since I haven't been exercising.

Things are going good. No more drama also. I decided to stay out of drama with something that happened a couple of days ago, and I lost a friend over it, which was ridiculous, but hell, I'm not stressed! I got to a point where I was like, "screw this!" and someone took it like I was being a jerk, and blah blah blah, it was stupid.

But whatever, I feel good! Thank God!

Anyways, that was my little, random blog.

Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Proof of God.

Before Raw Nerve, or, Excalibur, I was very close to giving up music. I went through many bands with people who I "thought" were serious about music, and shared the passion for music like I do, but ended up doing absolutely nothing.

I know that not everybody is as serious as I am about music, but it was frustrating for me. I no longer wanted to play cover songs, and stuff like that. I wanted a real band who wrote music, and played shows, and took it seriously.

After AOTA, I was really close to giving up music. I searched for bands, and a lot of bands wanted me to be with them, but they didn't do anything. That's when I pretty much put down my guitars, and my bass, and was about ready to move on.

I knew back then that I was young, and shouldn't have given up, but I thought pursuing something different was what was right.

About a year ago, give or take a week or two, my papa, Judy's dad, died. He had given me my first guitar, and that's what sparked my love for music. That was a hard time, because that was about the time that I was ready to move past music to look for something more tangible.

That's when Christian Blauer came into my life.

He contacted me on myspace about starting a metal band, saying he was looking for a bassist. I didn't know him, but by good word from my friend Emmilie, he decided to find me, and contact me about the band. God put Emmilie, an amazing God filled friend, into my life. She also was the first friend that I met at U-High.

Thanks to God, He used Emmilie to guide me to where He wanted me to be; music.

After that, my life changed, and I found my passion for music again. There was of course rough patches along the way to where I am now, but it paid off greatly.

As a band, well, at least Christian, Taylor, and I, we put God first in all of this. I personally prayed about the band, giving it straight to God, leaving it to Him to do what He pleases, and at this point in time, I see that it had, and still is paying off.

Even when Christian left the band, Taylor, Austin and I managed to get through the struggles. But then God brought Christian back to us, and since the "almost" break up, we've become even closer, (with a few rough patches here and there).

Christian and I were talking about the amazing wonders of God last Sunday. We talked about how we have gotten so much handed to us, that most bands have to work extremely hard for, and we believe that's because we've put God in complete control.

We've seen the band grow, and thank God everyday for what the band has brought us all. My relationship with the guys/band has strengthened my relationship with God, because once again, God has shown me how wonderful He is, and that keeps my faith strong.

Lord, I thank You for all You have done. But I especially want to thank You for helping me get closer to You, because You've kept Your word; You never close one door without opening another.

Brother.

I love you.
I care for you.
I want the best for you.
I'm mad at you.
I want you to see what I see.
I'm proud of you.
I'm always there for you.
I can't stand to see what you're putting yourself through.
I want to save you.
I want to take away your pain.
I want you to talk to me about your problems...

I feel bad for getting angry at you and saying things to you that might have pushed you away, but I felt the things I said needed to be said because I've held the feelings in for too long. I can't stand to see you fall awayat 16 years old. I don't think you will ever have an idea of how I feel.

But, all I can do is be the example for you, and hope that your eyes will open by the will of God, because I realize I can't change you. I can only be the example. I pray for you a lot because you are my brother. I pray that you don't destroy yourself, and that you can put an end to the damage you're doing to yourself before it's too late.

This is why I haven't let you go. People around me keep telling me to just drop you, to let you go your separate way, but our other brothers and I all three haven't done this because we care that much about you.

We don't, and won't judge you no matter what. You have to understand though that we are angry at you for your deceit, and your addictions, but that's the only thing we feel. You are an amazing person, and we want you to know that, and we want you to know that we believe in you. We know that you can, and will go far, but in order for that to happen, you need to believe in yourself. That's all we can hope will happen, because we see it. We want you to see it now.

Your personality in unique in so many ways, and we all adore that about you. Your sense of humor makes you fun to be around. You're smarter than you think you are, but you have doubt in yourself, and that doubt shouldn't be present whatsoever.

I wish you'd just be you again. You aren't who you used to be, and that's what makes us sad the most, because to tell you honestly, your smile melted me on the inside because it was so sincere, and so real; so joyful. I miss that smile. I want you back, because you are so amazing.

I love you brother..

-Chaz

A much needed talk..

So, yesterday before my concert, my dad and I went to get a burger because I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and it was dinner time.

We went to Sonic, which was pretty tasty. We also talked for awhile about things. My dad went Vegas last weekend, and ended up having a beer, even though he has been trying to sober up. He told me about it, and thought I resented him (which he talked to Austin about).

Austin told me that before we went to get something to eat, and it bothered him, and made him sad, so I decided to bring it up to my dad while I had the chance.

So, we talked about everything. And the cool part was, there was no lecture, no flapping of the arms, and no voice raising. It was a totally normal conversation.. Almost like a conversation two friends would have. It was so nice.

I told him what Austin said, and how I don't resent him. My dad said he thought I would because he was still mad at his parents for putting him through the crap he went through. He said he was surprised I didn't resent him because he put me through what he did.

I told him that it really, really sucked, but that it made me who I am today. I told him that everything happens for a reason, even if the reason isn't show for a long time.

I told him how I felt, and it went well. I was pretty surprised too, but I took advantage of the time. He's a totally different person too. He's been pretty down since Vegas, and I could tell.

Things went well though, so I feel better that I could talk to him..

MisspelledEncounter.

Sometimes I daydream about my band being famous.
I always wish I was skinnier, and prettier.
I talk to myself too much.
I really only like to draw guys, not girls.
Sometimes I want to destroy things.
I tap on my desk a lot.
I don't trust people.
I like to organize things for fun.
I blush a lot, and I hate it.
I have a hard time talking to guys I like.
Even though I'm humble, I love when people acknowledge my work.
I like to watch the History Chanel.
I like to touch all the jewelry in stores.
I love revenge.
Sometimes I feel like breaking the mirror.
I smile every time the speedometer goes over 60mph.
I love standing in the rain.
I have a fascination with eyes.
I have a fear of heights.
I always use the same bowl for cereal.
I like to make faces at myself in the mirror.

I am done now. No mas.