Things are changing around me. But the crazy thing is, is I can finally say it's all for the good. I've never been able to say that.
I've been playing a lot of music lately. I forgot how much I loved to just sit down and play my guitar. There's no stress to playing music anymore. I love it. I wrote part of a song today. The lyrics go like this;
"I can't erase,
all the things that you've said,
I don't see no point,
when it's already dead,
All the pain and the tears,
cloud the truth in your head,
weighing you down, like a jacket made of lead.
But I still carry that on my back,
even though you left me far behind.."
And the rest I'm still writing.
I've been looking for possible band mates. A.J. and Jake both messaged me about it, ha ha! Kind of ironic, but I don't mind.
So, I've been watching this seven part interview with Phil Anselmo on Youtube today.. really eye opening, and really sad. He was talking about his addictions that he's trying to recover from, and life in general. He's a really cool, yet mysterious guy. He's always been one of my idols. I admire his humbleness, and his dedication to music. He's been with music since he was 13: He's 40 years old now.
He talked about will, and love, and had this really great metaphor explaining both; how love is a jack-o-lantern, or something of that sort, that flickers, and eventually goes out. But once will is a part of that love, then the love turns into a lighthouse, that will always guide you back home.
I butchered it, but I tried, ha ha! The way he put it was beautiful, and so true.
Kind of made me think.. nothing really important, but I think a lot. That's what I do. I guess for some odd reason, watching that was an inspiration for me today with writing that song. The song is kind of about Christian. But, I personally think the lyrics are beautiful. It was good to get something that great out after trying once.. like I said, it's been quite awhile.
I think about the guys non-stop. I miss them. I was sad that I didn't play the big show with them a few days ago. I couldn't help but to go onto their profile and listen to their live songs; they sounded great. It made me cry. That night I had a dream about Christian and Taylor. I woke up sad, even though we were talking like buddies.
I had a rough day that day.. actually, my weekend didn't go that great.
Woke up from a dream about the guys.
While cleaning, my music was on shuffle, and they came up.
Got a bass amp, but my dad broke my bass.
Went to work on the car, got on the creeper, and rolled my hair in the wheel.
My knee kept getting shooting pains all through it.
Well, the list goes on, but I don't even want to keep ranting about it.
That stuff happened. I can't do anything about it. Moving on.
A new chapter of my life is being written. And it all started with,
"So, I left the band......."
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Life in a mosh. Part 2
I was anxious for the show to come, even a few months before. I got the tickets for myself.. an early birthday present for myself. I think I deserved it, ha ha!
After the CD signing, I got something to eat.. even though I was not hungry. At all. I was too excited to eat, and still too shocked from meeting Mudvayne. Right after I ate, I left for the show. I got to the arena, walked inside, and I heard music playing already; a local band opening the whole show. They were about over by the time I got there. I went to get my wristband for going down to the floor, and when I got down there, I met up with Ty.
I was getting anxious, and about 15 minutes later, Bury Your Dead came onto the stage.
I had heard of them before the show, but I wasn't really familiar with their music. They were awesome! I enjoyed seeing them. It was music that I liked. Kind of hardcore, but not as much screaming as you usually hear in hardcore music.
After they played, Suicide Silence was next.
I didn't like them so much. Not the kind of music I generally like; pig-squeal vocals aren't my thing, ha ha! They just kind of sounded like noise to me.
Then, after them was a band I've wanted to see for awhile; Static-X!
The mosh pit was intense! They were incredible live, and I'd love to see them again. They had an awesome set list.
It felt like forever until they played, but it was worth the wait!
They put on an incredible show. Amazing stage presence. Plus, Wayne Static was pretty hot.. as usual. Him and his crazy hair!
After Static-X, I had to go get water because of how much moshing I did. A regular sized water bottle was $3.. ridiculous.. but I was too thirsty to care.
Black Label Society was up next, with the legendary Zakk Wylde!
I've never been a huge BLS fan, but they played a great show. Maybe if Zakk's voice didn't sound like an eighties hair band singer, I might have liked them more.
Nonetheless, they sounded pretty good. Zakk Wylde even played a five minute solo, which was really cool.
Well, they saved the best for last.. As soon as Black Label Society got off the stage, my heart started to race. I told myself I'd see them again, so there I was..
There I was seeing Mudvayne again!
The crowd was freaking out, and they kept chanting "Mudvayne! Mudvayne! Mudvayne!" so of course I joined them all. The crowd was so restless that there was moshing and fighting before they even came out onto the stage!
Ten minutes passed.. then all of a sudden, the whole place goes dark, and the intro to the L.D. 50 Cd was playing in the background.. Then the moment I was waiting for finally came! Out came Mudvayne!!
Instant grin on my face. I couldn't contain it. If I remember correctly, I think they opened with "Not Falling." The moshing started instantly. Chad walked out in his gorilla suit. Later he took it off though.
So much adrenaline was pumping through me, I turned into a crazy woman, and moshed like an animal.
The whole band destroyed! Ryan's bass playing was fu**ing incredible, just like last time. Greg's guitar playing was awesome, just like last time. Matt's drumming was amazing, just like last time. And Chad's vocals and stage presence were crazy, just like last time.
The played an awesome show. Great set list. Chad at one point said something like, "It's fu**ing great to see you all moving out there.. that makes us HAPPY!!!" and they started playing "Happy?"
And of course, like last time, he said something like, "I have one question to ask you all.. CAN! YOU! DIG IT! I can't hear you! I said, CAN! YOU! DIG IT!" and after the "intro," they played one of my personal favorites, "Dig."
Also like last time, "Dig" had the craziest mosh pit. It was righteous! I tired as much as possible to get as many pictures as I could of the show, but it was hard. Especially during Mudvayne. But, I'm glad I got a few.. not all my pictures are shown in this blog, but there are a good handful of them.
I'm blessed with a camera phone, ha ha!
This is my favorite, because Ryan, Greg, and Chad are all glowing blue.
So, I had an amazing day. I wish I could put life on repeat, just on that day.
Life in a mosh, is the life indeed..
After the CD signing, I got something to eat.. even though I was not hungry. At all. I was too excited to eat, and still too shocked from meeting Mudvayne. Right after I ate, I left for the show. I got to the arena, walked inside, and I heard music playing already; a local band opening the whole show. They were about over by the time I got there. I went to get my wristband for going down to the floor, and when I got down there, I met up with Ty.
I was getting anxious, and about 15 minutes later, Bury Your Dead came onto the stage.
I had heard of them before the show, but I wasn't really familiar with their music. They were awesome! I enjoyed seeing them. It was music that I liked. Kind of hardcore, but not as much screaming as you usually hear in hardcore music.
After they played, Suicide Silence was next.
I didn't like them so much. Not the kind of music I generally like; pig-squeal vocals aren't my thing, ha ha! They just kind of sounded like noise to me.
Then, after them was a band I've wanted to see for awhile; Static-X!
The mosh pit was intense! They were incredible live, and I'd love to see them again. They had an awesome set list.
It felt like forever until they played, but it was worth the wait!
They put on an incredible show. Amazing stage presence. Plus, Wayne Static was pretty hot.. as usual. Him and his crazy hair!
After Static-X, I had to go get water because of how much moshing I did. A regular sized water bottle was $3.. ridiculous.. but I was too thirsty to care.
Black Label Society was up next, with the legendary Zakk Wylde!
I've never been a huge BLS fan, but they played a great show. Maybe if Zakk's voice didn't sound like an eighties hair band singer, I might have liked them more.
Nonetheless, they sounded pretty good. Zakk Wylde even played a five minute solo, which was really cool.
Well, they saved the best for last.. As soon as Black Label Society got off the stage, my heart started to race. I told myself I'd see them again, so there I was..
There I was seeing Mudvayne again!
The crowd was freaking out, and they kept chanting "Mudvayne! Mudvayne! Mudvayne!" so of course I joined them all. The crowd was so restless that there was moshing and fighting before they even came out onto the stage!
Ten minutes passed.. then all of a sudden, the whole place goes dark, and the intro to the L.D. 50 Cd was playing in the background.. Then the moment I was waiting for finally came! Out came Mudvayne!!
Instant grin on my face. I couldn't contain it. If I remember correctly, I think they opened with "Not Falling." The moshing started instantly. Chad walked out in his gorilla suit. Later he took it off though.
So much adrenaline was pumping through me, I turned into a crazy woman, and moshed like an animal.
The whole band destroyed! Ryan's bass playing was fu**ing incredible, just like last time. Greg's guitar playing was awesome, just like last time. Matt's drumming was amazing, just like last time. And Chad's vocals and stage presence were crazy, just like last time.
The played an awesome show. Great set list. Chad at one point said something like, "It's fu**ing great to see you all moving out there.. that makes us HAPPY!!!" and they started playing "Happy?"
And of course, like last time, he said something like, "I have one question to ask you all.. CAN! YOU! DIG IT! I can't hear you! I said, CAN! YOU! DIG IT!" and after the "intro," they played one of my personal favorites, "Dig."
Also like last time, "Dig" had the craziest mosh pit. It was righteous! I tired as much as possible to get as many pictures as I could of the show, but it was hard. Especially during Mudvayne. But, I'm glad I got a few.. not all my pictures are shown in this blog, but there are a good handful of them.
I'm blessed with a camera phone, ha ha!
This is my favorite, because Ryan, Greg, and Chad are all glowing blue.
So, I had an amazing day. I wish I could put life on repeat, just on that day.
Life in a mosh, is the life indeed..
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Life in a mosh.
I love the feeling of waking up sore: moshing for 2 hours, and slamming into people.
I love the sound you hear for two days straight: the ringing in your ears from blaring music for about six and a half hours.
I love the feeling of wanting to throw up: the excitement of going to a kick ass show.
I love the smells afterward: yours, and other peoples sweat dripping off of you.
Oh, the life in a mosh is quite great indeed!
My neck is sore. My back is sore. My legs are sore. My feet are sore. My arms are sore. I've counted four bruises. One on my ankle; swollen up quite nicely. One on each of my arms. And the last one, on my thigh.
I can hardly talk without it hurting. I sound more manly than usual.. more raspy. It hurts to cough, and laugh.
The ringing was pretty loud right after the concert. After awhile, you start to get used to it. I'm used to it now. But, it's still there. I don't mind though.
Coming home, I was still dripping sweat. My hair was soaked, as were my clothes. But, it was 12 at night, and I just wanted to get to bed. It was funny hugging my dad.. he was kind of grossed out that I was all wet on my back. I took off my shirt. I smelled it, just for kicks, and it reminded me of the concert, which was no surprise. I know, I'm gross.
I plopped down on my bed, and basked in the already happy memories for ten minutes, and then passed out.
I woke up to the stench of myself, ha ha! My room smelled like a gross teenage boy's room. I wore deodorant, and even perfume. I even took a shower that day. But in the end, that once good smell turns not so good.
My day started off great. I woke up stoked for what the day was to bring, and it all happened to be the best day of my life. Hastings held a CD signing with Mudvayne, and if it weren't for Brandon's random idea to go to Hastings and get a Sims game, I wouldn't have been there. That's where I noticed the sign.
That experience was crazy! I had to take two anxiety pills before going to meet the guys. But, that still didn't keep me from freaking out. I waited in line for about an hour and a half. But once four o'clock came, here walks in Greg, then Chad, then Ryan, and Matt. On the outside I was calm.. almost too calm. But, on the inside, I was freaking out.
I was shaking so bad, my pictures turned out blurry, ha ha! I got up to Greg Tribbett, and that's where I lost all composure.. but on the inside. I handed him my L.D. 50 CD booklet to sign, and when he said hi, I couldn't even really say it back. It came out like, "h..." No "i" at all, ha ha! He gave me the booklet back, and I said thank you.. but I doubt he heard me. I couldn't talk to save the life of me.
Then, I got to Chad Gray.. that sexy, sexy man. I stared at him. Then when he was ready to sign my booklet, I looked down, set it on the table, and slid it to him. I was ridiculously embarrassed and nervous. He looks good with bleached hair.. but that's beside the point, ha ha!
And then, Ryan Martinie. My very close second favorite bassist in the world, next to Cliff Burton.. I was starting to lose it even more. I stared at him too, in disbelief. After I slid the booklet to him, and he signed it, he put out his hand, and said, "Nice to meet you!" and I shook one of my favorite bassists hands, and said, "nice to meet you too."
Then, I got up to Matt McDonough. Couldn't even look at him. Gave him my booklet, and right after he signed it, I tried to say thanks, but I couldn't get the words out. I had lost it completely. I couldn't imagine if there were five members.. I probably would have ran off before getting his autograph, ha ha!
The signing was over.. I walked off calmly, but I was freaking out inside. I wish I would have talked to them more like everybody else, but I probably would have made myself look like an idiot. I can say I kind of met Mudvayne, ha ha!
Here are Matt, Greg, and Ryan's signatures:
But I have to say, Chad's was more original!:
Such a nice black tooth, and bullet shot he has, ha ha!
That part of the day was amazing.. But the whole story isn't done just yet. I'll blog about the concert itself tomorrow..
I love the sound you hear for two days straight: the ringing in your ears from blaring music for about six and a half hours.
I love the feeling of wanting to throw up: the excitement of going to a kick ass show.
I love the smells afterward: yours, and other peoples sweat dripping off of you.
Oh, the life in a mosh is quite great indeed!
My neck is sore. My back is sore. My legs are sore. My feet are sore. My arms are sore. I've counted four bruises. One on my ankle; swollen up quite nicely. One on each of my arms. And the last one, on my thigh.
I can hardly talk without it hurting. I sound more manly than usual.. more raspy. It hurts to cough, and laugh.
The ringing was pretty loud right after the concert. After awhile, you start to get used to it. I'm used to it now. But, it's still there. I don't mind though.
Coming home, I was still dripping sweat. My hair was soaked, as were my clothes. But, it was 12 at night, and I just wanted to get to bed. It was funny hugging my dad.. he was kind of grossed out that I was all wet on my back. I took off my shirt. I smelled it, just for kicks, and it reminded me of the concert, which was no surprise. I know, I'm gross.
I plopped down on my bed, and basked in the already happy memories for ten minutes, and then passed out.
I woke up to the stench of myself, ha ha! My room smelled like a gross teenage boy's room. I wore deodorant, and even perfume. I even took a shower that day. But in the end, that once good smell turns not so good.
My day started off great. I woke up stoked for what the day was to bring, and it all happened to be the best day of my life. Hastings held a CD signing with Mudvayne, and if it weren't for Brandon's random idea to go to Hastings and get a Sims game, I wouldn't have been there. That's where I noticed the sign.
That experience was crazy! I had to take two anxiety pills before going to meet the guys. But, that still didn't keep me from freaking out. I waited in line for about an hour and a half. But once four o'clock came, here walks in Greg, then Chad, then Ryan, and Matt. On the outside I was calm.. almost too calm. But, on the inside, I was freaking out.
I was shaking so bad, my pictures turned out blurry, ha ha! I got up to Greg Tribbett, and that's where I lost all composure.. but on the inside. I handed him my L.D. 50 CD booklet to sign, and when he said hi, I couldn't even really say it back. It came out like, "h..." No "i" at all, ha ha! He gave me the booklet back, and I said thank you.. but I doubt he heard me. I couldn't talk to save the life of me.
Then, I got to Chad Gray.. that sexy, sexy man. I stared at him. Then when he was ready to sign my booklet, I looked down, set it on the table, and slid it to him. I was ridiculously embarrassed and nervous. He looks good with bleached hair.. but that's beside the point, ha ha!
And then, Ryan Martinie. My very close second favorite bassist in the world, next to Cliff Burton.. I was starting to lose it even more. I stared at him too, in disbelief. After I slid the booklet to him, and he signed it, he put out his hand, and said, "Nice to meet you!" and I shook one of my favorite bassists hands, and said, "nice to meet you too."
Then, I got up to Matt McDonough. Couldn't even look at him. Gave him my booklet, and right after he signed it, I tried to say thanks, but I couldn't get the words out. I had lost it completely. I couldn't imagine if there were five members.. I probably would have ran off before getting his autograph, ha ha!
The signing was over.. I walked off calmly, but I was freaking out inside. I wish I would have talked to them more like everybody else, but I probably would have made myself look like an idiot. I can say I kind of met Mudvayne, ha ha!
Here are Matt, Greg, and Ryan's signatures:
But I have to say, Chad's was more original!:
Such a nice black tooth, and bullet shot he has, ha ha!
That part of the day was amazing.. But the whole story isn't done just yet. I'll blog about the concert itself tomorrow..
Thursday, August 20, 2009
When starting over is the best decision..
It's hard starting from the bottom again.
But then again, it's the best decision. The hardest, but the best.
It's time for a new journey.
Though my other journeys were great, I'm looking forward to starting something totally new and different.
A new project.
Something involving my passion for music; from blues, to metal.
Something that's going to grow significantly.
It's going to grow into something powerful.
It's going to run off peace, trust, passion, and most importantly, respect.
It's going to be something I pour my heart and soul into, and it gives back to me ten-fold.
No drama. No anger. Just pure music. Nothing more, nothing less.
For those who thought I gave up, I'll have you know this is just the beginning.
I'm set on this. There's no tearing this down.
I can't say when it will happen, but I can tell you that I know it will. God's got something for me.
He's got something great for me.
He always does..
I forgot just how much I loved music.
I've realized how truly sad that is.
So, I'm starting new with music itself also.
I'll learn to enjoy it.
I'll learn to love it.
I'll make it my passion again.
There will be no more stress in music to me anymore.
I'm going to write music for me.
It's not going to be a popularity contest anymore.
No more egos, no more heartache, and no more strains.
Just music.
That's all I ever wanted.
But then again, it's the best decision. The hardest, but the best.
It's time for a new journey.
Though my other journeys were great, I'm looking forward to starting something totally new and different.
A new project.
Something involving my passion for music; from blues, to metal.
Something that's going to grow significantly.
It's going to grow into something powerful.
It's going to run off peace, trust, passion, and most importantly, respect.
It's going to be something I pour my heart and soul into, and it gives back to me ten-fold.
No drama. No anger. Just pure music. Nothing more, nothing less.
For those who thought I gave up, I'll have you know this is just the beginning.
I'm set on this. There's no tearing this down.
I can't say when it will happen, but I can tell you that I know it will. God's got something for me.
He's got something great for me.
He always does..
I forgot just how much I loved music.
I've realized how truly sad that is.
So, I'm starting new with music itself also.
I'll learn to enjoy it.
I'll learn to love it.
I'll make it my passion again.
There will be no more stress in music to me anymore.
I'm going to write music for me.
It's not going to be a popularity contest anymore.
No more egos, no more heartache, and no more strains.
Just music.
That's all I ever wanted.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sad dreams..
So last night, I had my first dream since I left the band about the boys. It was really sad. Taylor wouldn't look or talk to me, and neither would Austin..
The day I left, I asked Austin's mom if she could let me know when he got home so I could call him and talk to him to let him know exactly what was going on.. she never let me know. I take it he didn't want to talk to me.
I care the most about him, and I wish this wouldn't be this way. He has no idea how much I care for him, so I'm pretty hurt.
I know this was the right decision, but I'm still really sad. It has been hard.
I've decided that when I start my new band, I want it to sound like Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, and Pantera. A clash of those bands. I want our music to be bluesy, soulful, but still really heavy.
Someday it'll happen. I just have to keep strong.
The day I left, I asked Austin's mom if she could let me know when he got home so I could call him and talk to him to let him know exactly what was going on.. she never let me know. I take it he didn't want to talk to me.
I care the most about him, and I wish this wouldn't be this way. He has no idea how much I care for him, so I'm pretty hurt.
I know this was the right decision, but I'm still really sad. It has been hard.
I've decided that when I start my new band, I want it to sound like Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, and Pantera. A clash of those bands. I want our music to be bluesy, soulful, but still really heavy.
Someday it'll happen. I just have to keep strong.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
It's been a hard day..
I left the band after Christian made an ass remark about something.. don't want to talk about it, but it pushed me over the edge. I had had enough. It even resulted in my dad walking in and giving Christian a piece of his mind.. of course Christian blew it off like, "whatever.. I don't care about what you have to say.."
I grabbed all the tickets and posters for the 28th show, and handed them to the guys, telling them I couldn't do it anymore. I was freaking crying in front of them, which sucked, but hell, this was a really hard decision.
It has been a real emotional day, and I'm glad it's all over. I talked to Taylor on the phone, and he couldn't understand why I didn't just talk to them about my anger, and opinions. He didn't understand how Christian treated me; him and Christian are best friends, and I told him it shouldn't be a struggle to be friends with somebody.. He just couldn't understand.
I asked Austin's mom to let me know when Austin got home so I could talk to him too.. I take it he didn't want to talk to me, because he would have been home by now..
I just couldn't take it any longer. I loved those guys, and I still do, but this was my breaking point; my point of no return. It's over, and it's time for me to heal, and get over it.
I can enjoy music now, instead of relating music to stress.. I missed music for what it was. I can go back to jamming out just because.
I'm in pain, but I know I made the right decision.
I grabbed all the tickets and posters for the 28th show, and handed them to the guys, telling them I couldn't do it anymore. I was freaking crying in front of them, which sucked, but hell, this was a really hard decision.
It has been a real emotional day, and I'm glad it's all over. I talked to Taylor on the phone, and he couldn't understand why I didn't just talk to them about my anger, and opinions. He didn't understand how Christian treated me; him and Christian are best friends, and I told him it shouldn't be a struggle to be friends with somebody.. He just couldn't understand.
I asked Austin's mom to let me know when Austin got home so I could talk to him too.. I take it he didn't want to talk to me, because he would have been home by now..
I just couldn't take it any longer. I loved those guys, and I still do, but this was my breaking point; my point of no return. It's over, and it's time for me to heal, and get over it.
I can enjoy music now, instead of relating music to stress.. I missed music for what it was. I can go back to jamming out just because.
I'm in pain, but I know I made the right decision.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I guess this is not what I'm looking for..
Never mind the title, ha ha! It's kind of this thing that has to do with me writing that on random things.. but I can never remember doing it. It's weird.
Moving on.
Well, I guess I'll use that phrase again; moving on. That's what I'm doing. I'm moving on. I'm leaving the band. The August show will be my last show with them. I'm sad, but I'm excited to start new.. even though I'll be starting at the bottom again.. but that happens sometimes. Jason Newsted kind of had to, so I'm not the only one starting over again. Even the big guys go through it.
I'm starting new. I'm going to look for people interested in playing music, and making it a career. I will have control. But, I'll use my control differently than Christian. I won't abuse my power. I'll make my new band not only a metal band, but a band that works together.
So, I'm excited to try things differently. I'm going to miss playing with Taylor and Austin. I'll have a hard time watching them do things without me, but I'll get over it eventually..
I haven't told any of them yet that I'm leaving. I don't know how. I know for a fact that I want to tell Austin face to face, since I feel the closest to him.. but I don't know about Taylor and Christian..
Whatever way, I need to do it..
Wish me luck on my new adventure.
Moving on.
Well, I guess I'll use that phrase again; moving on. That's what I'm doing. I'm moving on. I'm leaving the band. The August show will be my last show with them. I'm sad, but I'm excited to start new.. even though I'll be starting at the bottom again.. but that happens sometimes. Jason Newsted kind of had to, so I'm not the only one starting over again. Even the big guys go through it.
I'm starting new. I'm going to look for people interested in playing music, and making it a career. I will have control. But, I'll use my control differently than Christian. I won't abuse my power. I'll make my new band not only a metal band, but a band that works together.
So, I'm excited to try things differently. I'm going to miss playing with Taylor and Austin. I'll have a hard time watching them do things without me, but I'll get over it eventually..
I haven't told any of them yet that I'm leaving. I don't know how. I know for a fact that I want to tell Austin face to face, since I feel the closest to him.. but I don't know about Taylor and Christian..
Whatever way, I need to do it..
Wish me luck on my new adventure.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Through the eyes of an addict..
Today I went to one of my dad's A.A. meetings with him. I was nervous at first, but after awhile, I started to get into the feel. It was a very moving thing to experience.
It was a circle of about 10-15 people, just like I had imagined it. One by one, people shared their stories; how they're doing at the moment, how God has blessed them, and many other topics. The whole group talked.. when it came around to me, I was too shy to talk, ha ha! My dad laughed, and then he went.
He introduced me, and told everyone I was the person he goes to to help keep him accountable. He talked me up to the group.. I blushed the whole time. He also talked about the struggle I was going through with the band, and told everybody I was to shy to talk about it, so he'd do it for me.
Seeing and hearing everybody's struggles and accomplishments was really eye opening. It helped me to see that all sorts of people went through similar problems. Not all people were there for alcohol problems, but anger ones, and even narcotic problems.
It showed the realness of addiction, and how it affects each person differently.
When it was my turn to talk, I should have said, "Hi, I'm Carrera, and I'm a dweller, worrier, and a pleaser." I have problems without drugs and alcohol. It's kind of sad really.
Nonetheless, it was a moving experience. Some stories were even kind of sad. There was a lady who was an alcoholic that was only a day sober. It makes me proud of my dad for how well he's doing. Six months will be the 26th of this month. That's incredible.
It was very cool. Just thought I'd share my experience.
It was a circle of about 10-15 people, just like I had imagined it. One by one, people shared their stories; how they're doing at the moment, how God has blessed them, and many other topics. The whole group talked.. when it came around to me, I was too shy to talk, ha ha! My dad laughed, and then he went.
He introduced me, and told everyone I was the person he goes to to help keep him accountable. He talked me up to the group.. I blushed the whole time. He also talked about the struggle I was going through with the band, and told everybody I was to shy to talk about it, so he'd do it for me.
Seeing and hearing everybody's struggles and accomplishments was really eye opening. It helped me to see that all sorts of people went through similar problems. Not all people were there for alcohol problems, but anger ones, and even narcotic problems.
It showed the realness of addiction, and how it affects each person differently.
When it was my turn to talk, I should have said, "Hi, I'm Carrera, and I'm a dweller, worrier, and a pleaser." I have problems without drugs and alcohol. It's kind of sad really.
Nonetheless, it was a moving experience. Some stories were even kind of sad. There was a lady who was an alcoholic that was only a day sober. It makes me proud of my dad for how well he's doing. Six months will be the 26th of this month. That's incredible.
It was very cool. Just thought I'd share my experience.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance..
Difficult times try your ability to survive.. No matter if it's true survival, or trying to stay sane..
I understand how some girls feel when they stay with a guy they shouldn't stay with, but make up excuses for why they're still with the guy. Before it was unclear to me as to why a girl would stay with a stupid guy, but now I see it clearly.
It's a fear. It's confusion. It's the state of being torn. It's being indecisive. And most of all, it's neglecting how you feel, an neglecting your best interest. In all honesty it's being selfless. But sometimes it's the worst mistake you'll ever make.
Biting your tongue rarely helps. But once again, I've shot myself in the foot.. just like I always do. I didn't learn the first time, or even the second time for that matter. To tell you the truth, I didn't learn the 22nd time. The thing is, it's something you either have, or you don't have; two different personalities really.
The type who will speak their mind, and the type who will bottle it up until so much damage is done inside that the person can barely function.
I am a bottler. I commit feeling suicide every time something like this happens. But this time I'm not going to do that. I've caught myself this time. I'm not going to let myself do that again.
Now, think hard.. what could I possibly be talking about this time?....
Well, as much as this hurts to try to make a joke out of it now, I'm talking about Nothing To Gain. I'm talking about the pain I'm going through. I'm talking about a jackass of a band member, and a supposed "friend." I'm talking about the damn decision. The decision I'm trying to make. But it's not that simple.
See, this is where the selflessness comes in; the reason why I want to stay with the band is because I don't want to abandon them. We've come so far, and I don't want to put a road block in their drive to fame. I don't want to lose my friends. "This is what I want.."
But then again, my voice means nothing. I'm treated like shit. I am the one who feels abandoned, and I feel like no one cares about me at all.
I would do anything for those guys; even for the jackass. Anything. They have no idea.
I tried to make the band a "team" thing, not an "I" thing. I've given up a lot to be fair to them. I've bit my tongue. I've been walked on by the jackass himself. I've even defended him when people rip on him, but I'm really starting to believe he wouldn't do the same for me. I'm almost positive when I say that. It's really sad to be sure someone who claims to be your friend doesn't stick up for you.
He won't listen unless it's in his best interest. Great role model? No. I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve.. but it's for Him to decide..
I feel like the Jason Newsted in this Metallica. The "jackass" is both James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich. The "clueless one" is Kirk Hammett. And the "no one" is, well, no one. See, James and Lars both treated Jason like dirt. He had no say at all, and was constantly pushed away for no reason whatsoever. Kirk didn't do anything because he didn't care what happened. The "no one" did nothing because he was no one to James and Lars. Both James and Lars wanted it their way, just like the "jackass."
Unfortunately the jackass pushed me away like James and Lars pushed Jason away. After being pushed away, and after being told his voice didn't mean anything, Jason left Metallica. Though not as successful, he lived a happier life playing with people who respected him.
I've never felt more sympathy for Jason until now. I now see exactly what he was going through. The poor guy took the bull shit for a long time, but he broke on the inside.
It's a big decision. I don't think Christian will change. I love Austin and Taylor, but I can't do this anymore. This is what I want, but if I have to go through this every other month, then I don't feel like it's worth it. Taylor and Austin are worth it, but Christian isn't.
This isn't Nine Inch Nails; members include Trent Reznor alone. This is Metallica; members include four people. A band of people.. I think my days with Nothing To Gain are numbered.
It's all up to God. He knows what's going to happen. He has a plan for me, so once again, I'm putting this all in His hands..
I understand how some girls feel when they stay with a guy they shouldn't stay with, but make up excuses for why they're still with the guy. Before it was unclear to me as to why a girl would stay with a stupid guy, but now I see it clearly.
It's a fear. It's confusion. It's the state of being torn. It's being indecisive. And most of all, it's neglecting how you feel, an neglecting your best interest. In all honesty it's being selfless. But sometimes it's the worst mistake you'll ever make.
Biting your tongue rarely helps. But once again, I've shot myself in the foot.. just like I always do. I didn't learn the first time, or even the second time for that matter. To tell you the truth, I didn't learn the 22nd time. The thing is, it's something you either have, or you don't have; two different personalities really.
The type who will speak their mind, and the type who will bottle it up until so much damage is done inside that the person can barely function.
I am a bottler. I commit feeling suicide every time something like this happens. But this time I'm not going to do that. I've caught myself this time. I'm not going to let myself do that again.
Now, think hard.. what could I possibly be talking about this time?....
Well, as much as this hurts to try to make a joke out of it now, I'm talking about Nothing To Gain. I'm talking about the pain I'm going through. I'm talking about a jackass of a band member, and a supposed "friend." I'm talking about the damn decision. The decision I'm trying to make. But it's not that simple.
See, this is where the selflessness comes in; the reason why I want to stay with the band is because I don't want to abandon them. We've come so far, and I don't want to put a road block in their drive to fame. I don't want to lose my friends. "This is what I want.."
But then again, my voice means nothing. I'm treated like shit. I am the one who feels abandoned, and I feel like no one cares about me at all.
I would do anything for those guys; even for the jackass. Anything. They have no idea.
I tried to make the band a "team" thing, not an "I" thing. I've given up a lot to be fair to them. I've bit my tongue. I've been walked on by the jackass himself. I've even defended him when people rip on him, but I'm really starting to believe he wouldn't do the same for me. I'm almost positive when I say that. It's really sad to be sure someone who claims to be your friend doesn't stick up for you.
He won't listen unless it's in his best interest. Great role model? No. I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve.. but it's for Him to decide..
I feel like the Jason Newsted in this Metallica. The "jackass" is both James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich. The "clueless one" is Kirk Hammett. And the "no one" is, well, no one. See, James and Lars both treated Jason like dirt. He had no say at all, and was constantly pushed away for no reason whatsoever. Kirk didn't do anything because he didn't care what happened. The "no one" did nothing because he was no one to James and Lars. Both James and Lars wanted it their way, just like the "jackass."
Unfortunately the jackass pushed me away like James and Lars pushed Jason away. After being pushed away, and after being told his voice didn't mean anything, Jason left Metallica. Though not as successful, he lived a happier life playing with people who respected him.
I've never felt more sympathy for Jason until now. I now see exactly what he was going through. The poor guy took the bull shit for a long time, but he broke on the inside.
It's a big decision. I don't think Christian will change. I love Austin and Taylor, but I can't do this anymore. This is what I want, but if I have to go through this every other month, then I don't feel like it's worth it. Taylor and Austin are worth it, but Christian isn't.
This isn't Nine Inch Nails; members include Trent Reznor alone. This is Metallica; members include four people. A band of people.. I think my days with Nothing To Gain are numbered.
It's all up to God. He knows what's going to happen. He has a plan for me, so once again, I'm putting this all in His hands..
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