18.

Being 18 has really taken a toll on me emotionally.

But, it's not bad. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

I've seen how I've grown up through the papers I've saved, the pictures I've drawn, or even the toys I've stored away. As I clean my rooms (the one at dad's, and mom's) I run into things I forgot I had, or things I forgot I had interest in.

It's weird looking at this stuff. I'm 18 now. I'm an adult. I am no longer a child.

Still a teenager, but a teenager with adult status.

My future is ahead; my jobs, college, marriage, kids, and the list goes on. It's weird to be able to touch it now. It's tangible. I'm able to mold it. To hold it. To do with it what I want.

I've gotten emotional looking at things I used to love, or even play with as a kid. Looking at pictures has been weird too. I see a little child, and it's hard to believe that I'm not one anymore. It's just surreal to me; as it should be.

How time flys when you're having fun.. and how it stops when tragedy arises.

Life is crazy.

Once again..

I'm leaving this all in your hands God. You're the only one who knows what will come out of this. Even though I'd love to find out now..

But things don't always work out that way. Of course not.


North Carolina, I've never even thought about you until now. Why? This all seems silly. Why do I feel like you, North Carolina, would hold something different?
Eventually, things turn out the same, right? North Carolina.
There's something I see.. but maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me again.

A man of courage, of God, of music. A man. Damn, North Carolina.
"Anything can happen.."

I wish that were the case.

NC

I want to move down to North Carolina.

I want to be with Jon.

Y'know,

I hate the feeling of, "It's over." It's something I don't like to deal with.

My mom is telling me to leave him, and of course telling me the things that I already know deep down, but they're things I don't want to hear right now. I hate that. Pisses me off even more; I won't lie.

I don't want to give up on him, but if something is going to happen every week, and make me down, I don't want to deal with that. That's why I wish I could talk to him. I want to tell him exactly how I feel. I want to know exactly how he feels too.

I probably made it worse by trying to get a hold of him a lot, but I hate wondering, especially since I dwell on everything. I don't want a guy that comes with extra drama that everyone knows I will end up taking on myself because I'm fucking stupid that way.

I like him a lot, and I know, or at least I knew he felt the same, but it's ridiculous how he'll just all of a sudden stop talking to me, and stop making contact whatsoever. I don't deserve that. I know that. But I like the way he makes me feel when shit isn't hitting the fan.

I could probably find someone else who will treat me how he does, but I'm too down to think of that right now. I hate relationships. Especially if one side isn't communicating with the other. See, it doesn't work that way. That can't happen. But guys have fucking brain damage when it comes to that.

I think I'm more angry than sad right now. I'm angry because I just want answers. I don't want to wait. I hate waiting. I've been trying to get a hold of him so I can figure out if it's over. I just want to get it over with, if it needs to be ended. No more waiting.. I'm impatient.

Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck the up fuck. Fuck you, and you, and you. Oh, and fuck you. Fuck it.

Fuck.

Too good to be true.

I should have known. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I would break up with you.. if I could fucking get a hold of you.

Fucking answer your phone asshole.

Excuses

They aren't needed, so stop using them; I don't fucking care.. it seems like you always have an excuse.

I mean, there are some excuses that are real, and I understand that, but I'm sick of hearing them from you. Stop it. Be straight up with me. Because this is pissing me off.

Too much..

I have way too much on my mind right now.. but I want to say something to someone, and get this off my chest:

You are tearing us apart. That doesn't mean I'll give up though; he's more than worth it to me, but this is causing me a lot of heart ache. The thing that bothers me the most is that it has been happening since the beginning. That sucks.

It's been 15 years; can't you enjoy the time with him? Do you really want to push him out of your life like you are? What do you see coming out of this? Because I don't see any benefit whatsoever.

I care for your son more than you'd ever know, and I want to see him happy again, but you're not allowing him to live that way. All he wanted was to be able to get close to you, and build a relationship with you, but you won't let it happen! How could you be so cruel? I can't even imagine being in his spot, having to deal with your shit. Grow the fuck up.

Grow up for your son's sake. Grow up for your girlfriends sake. Grow up for my sake for the love of God.. You're breaking your son's heart, and now my heart is broken. He doesn't want to talk to me, and that fucking hurts.

I'm pretty sure he'd do anything for you. He loves his family. He's told me that many times. But I'm upset because you keep pushing him away. It's effecting your other kids' lives. It's even effecting mine, because his problems are partially mine now. He's shutting down inside, and it's your fault.

Thanks for creating this mess. You should be ashamed of yourself.. you have no idea..

You make me feel..

I love when you look at me, whether I'm looking back or not.
I love when you massage my neck (because you know it turns me on).
I love when you hold me tight.
I love when you run you fingers down my arm.
I love when you bite me.
I love when you lay on my chest.
I love when you call me beautiful.
I just love being around you.
And I've found myself falling for you even more, every time I'm near you.

Yesterday was another amazing day with Brandan. It's hard when he leaves, but the time we spend together makes me forget everything around me.

We cuddled just about the whole time he was here, which was great. We were sprawled out on the couch, intertwined with each other.. it was amazing. He lied his head on my chest, and had his arm around me, and I had my legs over his, while I had my arm wrapped around him.

He told me my heart was beating fast.. no wonder why, ha ha!

I stroked his hair.. I just love how soft it is, ha ha! Then I ran my fingers along his shoulders.. he likes that. =] Everything felt so right.. and it made me angry, ha ha!

We watched a movie, and he lied his head down on my shoulder, and a little bit later, I could feel it get heavier, and heavier on my shoulder; he was dosing off, ha ha! It was pretty cute. When I tried to move to make it more comfortable for him, he woke up. I felt bad, but he played it off like he wasn't sleeping. Pretty cute stuff.

Then we sat up, and held hands, and then he pulled my hand up and kissed it. I was about as red as a cherry. He won.. again.

We just hung out the whole day.. it was nice.

I love being around him. It feels like we've known each other for a long time, which is crazy. Makes things nice though.

Gosh.. I just need to learn to accept it. I'm falling for him. Plain and simple.

Brandan LaBerg, you've stolen my heart..

I don't think so.

"You're a motherfuckin' peace of shit, and you'll never amount to nothing.."

You fuck with my little sister, and you get to deal with me. I'm not gonna be very nice, so keep that in mind, punk..

I wish I could..

I wish I could fix you,
And make you how I want you,
I wish I could fix you,
And I wish you could fix me,
I wish I could heal you,
And mend where you are broken,
I wish I could heal you,
And I wish you could heal me..
-"Fix You" by The Offspring


Get Your Own Free Hypster.com Playlist.

What I cause..

When I took a shower today, I had my normal thinking session. I think that's partial reason for why I take such long showers.. anyways..

I started thinking about things, and my mind was starting to get the best of me. I was doubting mine and Brandan's relationship.. not that anything wrong is going on, it's just me thinking that it can't be.. I don't deserve him.. It's too good to be true.

But, I had an epiphany. I'm the reason all my relationships fail. Not just boyfriends, but friendships, and so on. Doubt clouds my mind. I want to believe that the people in my life care about me, and that's why I hold on as tight as I do.

I doubt everything. I'm not confident. I have trust issues. I mess everything up because I doubt, and I don't trust. It's me.

I fuck it up. I hold on to everything people say to me, but I can't believe them. I end up becoming so closed off that nobody can reach me anymore. Nobody at all. And it hurts to know that I've hurt others.

I don't mean to. I would never mean to. But I do, and I can't take the hurt I've caused away. I feel like a piece of shit, and I should.

I feel bad for Brandan.. I feel me closing off, and doubting things, and I don't want to go down that path again. He deserves a chance, and if I wouldn't have caught myself, I'd end up fucking up another relationship.

I understand that a lot of my relationships weren't just me tearing them apart, but I'm trying to stop myself early so I don't mess anymore up. I don't want to mess up my relationship with Brandan. I'd feel like the biggest fuck up because he's made it clear to me how much he cares for me.

I just need to let my guard down a little bit. I will get hurt no matter what. I'm going to accept that fact. I don't want to, but I'm going to.

As I was thinking in the shower, I actually told myself out loud to stop doubting all of my relationships. I told myself that over, and over again. I'm done with messing good things up. I'm done.

Fit

So I've been riding my bike everyday for almost a week now trying to get back into shape. It's better for me to exercise in the fall because it's much cooler. This summer was way too hot.

Yesterday was a good ride. Kaitlyn, Roman and I did a big loop that eventually lead us to Caro Park.. we hung out there for about 20 minutes, and then headed back. Plus I started doing weight lifting; small ones, attempting to tone my arms.

I'm tired of being big, so once again I'm doing something about it. Since my self-discipline is back concerning exercising, I need to get on a better eating habit. So, that's next on my list of things to get down. I've got this!

Plus, I want to start jogging. Especially being able to jog with Brandan since he does everyday.. he's in amazing shape, and I want to look good like he does. He doesn't care how I look, but it bugs me that he's super fit, and I'm only a little bit fit.

So my journey has started.

On another note, I had a dream last night that I went into this one tattoo and piercing shop that was kind of like Bullet Proof, but not.. I went in to get another piercing. I thought about getting another cartilage piercing on my right ear, but then I was watching this guy get his ears gauged, and I was then contemplating getting mine gauged..

So, I think that's the next thing I'm going to do. I want to get gauges about as wide as my pinky first, just to see how it looks. Maybe bigger if I like the way it looks. I don't know, just a random thought.

Anyways, I'm done for now.

Baby..

You make my world go round.


I can't help but talk, and think about you all the time.

Dammit.

You got me good.

Go figure.

So, Brandan has the swine flu.

I was wondering why he hadn't called me in a couple days (he usually calls everyday). Plus, he didn't respond to my texts. Well, today I texted him to ask what was going on, and he said that he had been in the hospital because he was diagnosed with swine flu.

Of course, my first kiss had to be with him.. So Judy has been freaking out, "You're probably going to get it. Then all of us are.. you won't be hanging out with him for awhile.." and blah blah blah. She even called his dad to find out what was going on, ha ha!

Anyways, I thought that was kinda funny.. so my first kiss could turn into a slap in the face, ha ha! I feel fine though which is good. Brandan's at home resting.. a lot, which isn't surprising.

So there's my somewhat ironic story..

Oh, what an amazing day..

I got picked up at like 10:55 yesterday, and that's where the adventure started.

Brandan's parents needed to go to Post Falls to get cigarettes, so we drove their from my house. It was cool rocking out to Ozzy and Pink Floyd on the way there. Plus it was just nice holding hands with Brandan again.

On the way back to his house, his dad turned on country music, which was funny, but a Taylor Swift song came on.. Brandan not only likes metal, but he does like country too, ha ha! I don't care though.. but as the Taylor Swift song was playing, there's a line that goes, "So why can't you see, you belong with me," and he was singing it and looking at me.. it was pretty dang cute.

All I could do is sit there and stare at him. His eyes are so beautiful, and his smile pretty much makes me melt.. There's something about that boy..

We get back to his place, and he takes me upstairs to meet his sister, and then outside to see his huge great dane, ha ha! He has four dogs and a cat; they like animals, which is good.

So, after that we just kinda chilled, or at least we tried to; his little brother is the most spastic child I've ever met. It's okay though.. he was funny to watch, ha ha!

Later, we walked to the North Town Mall, and just talked about things. It was really nice because it was just the two of us. It was a beautiful fall day yesterday too, so the walk was nice. I hadn't been on a nice walk in awhile, and it was cool that I got to with Brandan.

We get to the mall and just kinda walk around. He didn't let go of my hand at all.. it was cute. He kept telling me he was lucky because he had an angel next to him, ha ha! Then of course I kept blushing; the reaction he was trying to get. Then he played this game called, let's see just how red I can make Carrera's face! Not a fun game for me, but he loved it, ha ha!!

Then, we headed back to his place. The walk back was nice too. He had his arm around me; it was nice. Everything felt like we were supposed to be together. It was weird, but a good weird.

We got back to his place, and we watched a movie. I don't remember what it was called, but it was a fighting movie. It was pretty cool. We cuddled, and I was about ready to fall asleep. I put my head on his shoulder, and then he put his on mine, and I was starting to dose off, ha ha! I just felt so comfortable, and warm in his arms. I wish I could live that moment over and over again.

I kept telling myself to kiss him, but then I'd chicken out. I did this throughout the whole time I was there. I had a million perfect chances to do so, but I failed each time. Then, I was about ready to, then he started looking around, and then all of a sudden, he grabbed the side of my face, and kissed me. It scared me because I wasn't expecting it, ha ha! I felt so embarrassed because I didn't know what to do.. but I kissed him back. My heart raced. He beat me to it.

Right after that, it was dinner time, and after we ate, we just kinda hung out. We sat back down on the couch, and we cuddled again. I stroked his hair, and he was holding me.. it was amazing. I hate saying this, but everything felt so right. I don't want to jinx this relationship, but it really did. I didn't want to go home.I could have stayed in his arms forever.

When they dropped me off, I hugged him for the 100th time.. and as he left, he looked back and said, "Remember.. I beat you.."


Yesterday was a good day.. I cannot wait until I get to see him again..

Colds suck.

But, I'm finally getting over mine. Thank the good Lord.

So, I got my tattoo! It looks amazing. I am officially addicted to tattoos! Plus, I got two more cartilage piercings.. so, I'm addicted to piercings also, ha ha!
(Top cartilage)

(Middle cartilage)


I pretty much feel like a bad ass with my tattoo.. not going to lie. It didn't even hurt. It's just sore now because it's trying to scab up.

It looks really good. I chose to have it red and black, and the colors pop like no other. I was scared to get the red because I've heard that a lot of people are allergic to the red ink, and that it'll fade right away, but mine hasn't, so I'm pretty glad about that.


It's been cool being able to show people too. I feel like a total rock star, ha ha! Now I just need another band.. it'll happen. I know it will. God has something planned.

Me and Brandan started going out on the 28th, and I get to see him tomorrow. I'm so excited! The first time we met, something clicked. It was amazing. I'm hoping that maybe things will work out, because I really like him. I know I've said that about the other guys, but for some reason, I had a different feeling about Brandan.

He's real. He won't hide anything from me, and he even proved that today which really meant a lot to me. So, once again, I'm putting this in God's hands. It will work out if God wants it to.

Overall, life has been good to me. =]