What I cause..

When I took a shower today, I had my normal thinking session. I think that's partial reason for why I take such long showers.. anyways..

I started thinking about things, and my mind was starting to get the best of me. I was doubting mine and Brandan's relationship.. not that anything wrong is going on, it's just me thinking that it can't be.. I don't deserve him.. It's too good to be true.

But, I had an epiphany. I'm the reason all my relationships fail. Not just boyfriends, but friendships, and so on. Doubt clouds my mind. I want to believe that the people in my life care about me, and that's why I hold on as tight as I do.

I doubt everything. I'm not confident. I have trust issues. I mess everything up because I doubt, and I don't trust. It's me.

I fuck it up. I hold on to everything people say to me, but I can't believe them. I end up becoming so closed off that nobody can reach me anymore. Nobody at all. And it hurts to know that I've hurt others.

I don't mean to. I would never mean to. But I do, and I can't take the hurt I've caused away. I feel like a piece of shit, and I should.

I feel bad for Brandan.. I feel me closing off, and doubting things, and I don't want to go down that path again. He deserves a chance, and if I wouldn't have caught myself, I'd end up fucking up another relationship.

I understand that a lot of my relationships weren't just me tearing them apart, but I'm trying to stop myself early so I don't mess anymore up. I don't want to mess up my relationship with Brandan. I'd feel like the biggest fuck up because he's made it clear to me how much he cares for me.

I just need to let my guard down a little bit. I will get hurt no matter what. I'm going to accept that fact. I don't want to, but I'm going to.

As I was thinking in the shower, I actually told myself out loud to stop doubting all of my relationships. I told myself that over, and over again. I'm done with messing good things up. I'm done.