Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The snowball effect..

I always seem to hold things in until I just break.

This month just never brings anything good. Well, the one thing that started in March is the band, but that's it. For me, March is a month of hell.

It's the month Buddy, our old dog, got put down because of a certain incident. It's the month my papa died. And it's really the month where everybody who I've talked about God to ends up throwing away their belief.

I'm currently in a funk of some sort.. depression maybe, and it wouldn't surprise me. A couple nights ago, I went into my room to go to sleep. I'm laying in bed, and thoughts are rushing through my head; the whole deal with a former friend, the deal with a guy I liked, the whole deal with a friend losing faith in God altogether, the remembrance of my papa.. it's all running through my head, and this was without warning at all.

I started crying. The kind of cry where you can hardly breathe, or an "ugly cry."

I cried for awhile, just letting out what I've needed to get out for a long time. I don't remember going to sleep at all. That was it. I crashed, and I needed to because I was tired of the thoughts.

I'm always tired of the thoughts. I've been giving it all to God, because He's the only one I can trust, and I pray that He takes my pain away.

The stuff that's been haunting me happened for a reason though, and that's what I've been trying to tell myself. I know it'll get better, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

So, the bottom line is, I hate March. It brings me down. I'm tired of being down, especially if it's for a whole month.. just make it stop..

1 comment:

*katherine* said...

I still love you chaz.