It brings a smile to my face..

Writing that letter a couple days ago to Dalten made me feel so much better. I've been reading it over, and over, for no apparent reason, and it makes me smile.

I didn't send it to him unfortunately, ha ha, but writing it was enough. Even the thought of how he'd act if he read it was enough for me. I just didn't reply to his message and hopefully that made him think.

Stupid boy. I deserve better than that.. fucking jerk. It's okay, he'll regret it later, and I guess that's how I've decided to make it positive. I can't dwell on it forever, because that wouldn't be fair to myself.

I guess that's all I needed to say,

Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Letter..

(I don't have what he wrote to me, but this will go through what happened)


Dear Dalten,

That's cool that you tell me that you "really really" like me and then go for another girl.

It's fucking winter. The snow we've gotten is breaking records. Even if I had my licence, I know that my parents wouldn't want me to drive in this shit.

I don't have money to pay for bus rides, I'm broke. Flat, ass broke. No money.

And you just give up on me, and act like a jerk and not talk to me.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Guys are totally fucking blind when it comes to peoples' feelings. I know you're made differently, but holy fuck. It'd be nice if guys showed a little more sensitivity.

You all are the fucking same.

You made it seem like you really cared, and that you were crazy for me, but you've found someone else. Fuck you dude.

I'm tired of shit from guys like you. Fuck you.

Oh, and by the way, yes, you are the reason for me feeling rejected.

Merry fucking Christmas to you too. Thanks for a broken heart. That's what I wanted for Christmas.

But let me ask you; how did you know that's what I wanted? Hmm, must have been a lucky guess.

"I'm gonna make her Christmas as shitty as possible by making her think I'm 'really really' into her, and then when Christmas Eve comes around, I'm going to act like an asshole and make her think that there's something wrong with her, cuz I remember her telling me that she's one of the most insecure girls in the world. Then, Christmas day, if she texts me "Merry Christmas" I'm not even going to send her a nice "Merry Christmas" text back, to let her know that we're cool. Oh, and I'm going to act happy cuz I'm in a relationship, and she's not. Oh, and I know when I do this, that she'll be cool with it, and we'll still be friends, cuz she'll get over it, just cuz I'll send her a message on myspace cuz that's so personal...... Hey, Chaz! For Christmas, I'm going to break you heart, even though I don't realize you're crazy for me, and that you almost cried because you couldn't make it to my concert, because you knew how much it meant to me. I'm going to break your heart, even though I don't realize that you thought things were actually going to work out with me, and that you were excited for the weather to clear up so you could spend time with me. But hell, give me a sledgehammer, so I can take it to your heart, just like every other guy. Oh, and, I want to hurt you on Christmas, even though you know that I'm a liar, because I don't realize that you saw my bulletin for the 'girlfriend application,' and I told you that I've 'encountered more then one girl.' So, we're friends, right? Hopefully 'there's not too many hard feelings.' We're cool, right?"

Fuck you.

I should have known.

Don't ever talk to me again.

It was over before it began..

"I,
Was,
Never enough for you.
I should have known,
I should've know.." - "Never Enough" by Mudvayne


I am in so much pain right now. It's Christmas, and I'm in pain. My heart is broken. I don't know if it was me who did this, or if it was otherwise, but I hurt so much.

Long story short;

There is a 22 year old guy who likes me, and he is in Castedown, like Dalten was.
I wasn't meaning to rub it in his face, but I wanted to tell Dalten because I thought it was funny that he was 22, and that he is in Castedown like he was, and that that part was a coincidence.

I don't know if he took it the wrong way, but it seems like he did.

I went to tell him because I thought he would laugh, but he asked me a question about Castedown, and I got distracted telling him about it, that I forgot/ didn't have time to tell him the funny part of the whole deal.

After I answered his question, he got off, and the funny part was left unsaid.

He was bummed, and I asked why, and he wouldn't tell me. I told him that if it was me, that he needed to tell me, but he said it wasn't. And then he stopped talking to me like he used to.. and it broke my heart, so I got offline.

This was yesterday, Christmas Eve.. I texted him today saying merry Christmas at 10:30 this morning, and it's 6:52 in the evening. He didn't text me back. Merry fucking Christmas, Carrera, you get a broken heart.

I'm planning on calling him in a few days to explain, and to get answers. Even though, he's now in a relationship.. even though, he "really, really" liked me.. even though he didn't even hear the whole thing.

This was the worst rejection I've ever felt. I don't know how to explain how much pain I'm in right now. Was this because I doubted things, or is this a sign from God that I wasn't supposed to be with him?

Everything happens for a reason, but I have to wait to see what that reason was, but this fucking hurts.

Merry fucking Christmas Dalten. You have no idea how crazy for you I was. I know I deserve better than that, and that sucks for you. You missed out. You hurt me, but you missed out.

Fuck you.

"I should've know.."

Questions!

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationship stuff. Jordan has been crossing my mind for quite some time now, and it has been getting me down. Why Jordan? Well, I guess I can kinda see why.. we started dating October 10th last year, and since October 10th of this year, I've been kinda down about him.

I wish it would stop, but it hasn't. I was talking to Chelsea about it, and she said she used to have feelings like that about Rey after they broke up, as if it wasn't over.. and she's dating him again. I don't know if that's what's going on exactly, but it's a possibility.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about the whole Dalten deal. For some reason, maybe it was because of what Chelsea said, I don't know for sure if Dalten will want to be with me if we date because of the no sex thing.

I mean, he's had sex before, and what are the chances of him totally giving up sex to be with me, when he could find another girl who would have sex with him? I keep bringing up the no sex thing, just so I can make sure he's serious, you know, to make sure he has doubts now instead of when we're dating. I want him to be aware of what he's getting into, and what he's not, and if that means I push him to realize what he wants more causing him to not like me anymore, I'm going to do it. I don't want to get screwed over by a guy again.

I've been down about that too. I think sometimes that I'm a pessimist, but then I realize that I'm just more cautious. I try really hard not to get hurt, because I've been hurt a lot, and not just by guys. I think that me thinking about everything is good sometimes, but other times, it's not good at all. Sometimes my thinking keeps me from taking risks, and sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad.

The word "love" has been getting me down too, because I've realized more than ever just how much I hate the damn word. I don't know the meaning. I mean, family love is different than a relationship based love. I'm 17, and I want to be in a relationship so bad right now. I think that's because I want to feel loved. I feel that with family, it's a given to be loved, and to love. I know there are families out there that don't love each other, but I'm talking about my instances with it.

I want more than that. Or, maybe I don't..?

It's hard to tell exactly. Maybe I'm scared of it. Maybe that's my drive for everything. I haven't a clue.

I keep praying about it because I've been so down about it. I'm trying to give it to God, because He's the only one who knows what's going on.

But I wish I knew, because this is killing me..

You're perfect, yes, it's true..

So, it had been awhile since I had talked to Dalten, and I finally got to yesterday, and today. It was nice, because I missed him, ha ha!

I really enjoy talking to him because how funny he is, not to mention, he's a very interesting person to talk to. I really like that in a guy, and of course, I told him. Getting my feelings out to him is kind of weird, because I'm not used to telling guys how I feel about them.

But it's going smoothly, so, I could get used to it.

He made me really proud though, and that's why I'm writing this entry. Yesterday, he decided to stop doing the drugs he was doing, and he decided to stop drinking. When he told me about that, I had a grin from ear, to ear. I was going to accept the fact that he did that stuff, but then he said he was done.. I took a deep, relieved sigh, because that's just one, well, two less things to worry about in our relationship.

He said that he went to go party with his friends, and one of his friends told him not to go overboard with his drinking, (apparently he tends to) but he didn't listen. He woke up the next morning, and told himself that he didn't want that lifestyle anymore, and seems to be sticking to that mind set.. or at least I hope he does.

But it made it easier to breathe for me. Even if he didn't stop that, I'd still want to be with him because he is amazing to me.

I talked to him again about the schedule of when we'd be able to see each other, and we could do it easily, if we both try. He said he was waiting on me to see if I was "worthy" which is respectable. He didn't tell me how I could become "worthy" in his eyes, but I know I can be.

I'm going to make the initiative too go see him, so I can show him that I would. I think that's what he wants to see. I know it's not the sex part, and I even asked him, and he said that's not it, so he still wants to be with me.

He has a concert Thursday, and I'm going. That'll help me show that I'm willing to make the initiative. I'm excited to see him live with his band. He was also grateful that I have been telling my friends about his band. My friend Jake goes to Skill Center with Dalten, and Jake asked Dalten if he had heard of Until Proven Innocent, Dalten's band, and Dalten said yes of course.

Dalten told me today, and thanked me for being supportive.. I'm hoping that also show him that I really care for him.

I'm excited for Thursday.. he doesn't know that I'm going to make it for sure, so it'll be a nice surprise!

=]

.. I haven't digested the butterflies yet..

My stomach still feels like there's a mosh pit in it.

The only one I told in detail about Dalten and my conversation was my sister, Brittany.. she's the one I go to to talk to about touchy subjects, such as the one with me and Dalten.

I was expecting her to say, "Chaz, I don't think you should date him." because that's how she is, and even though she's younger than me, I listen. Surprisingly, she didn't say that. She was glad that he would still want to be with me even though I wouldn't have sex.

I trust myself too, and I know I can stay abstinent. But, I'm not going to lie; the whole sex thing has been on my mind since Wednesday.. Even though he knows my position on the whole thing, I find myself still scared.. not that I will give in, but the whole concept of sex.

I'm terrified I guess. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Maybe it's because I couldn't imagine having sex because I'm disgusted at my body, and I'm scared the he would be too.. or maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist, ha ha! I would want it to be amazing, and perfect in every aspect.

It doesn't help that's it's everywhere.. my friends are having sex, and all you see on t.v. and in movies is sex. I know it's a big deal, but I don't think I'm ready for it.. and that's why I've chosen to not have it.

I don't know.. I guess I'm excited, but not excited enough to want to do it now.

It'll happen when I'm ready, and when I'm with the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life.. I don't know if that'll be Dalten, or someone else. God knows the plans, so I'm going to leave it up to Him..

I seemed to have devoured butterflies..

Dalten Billings is his name. And I'm crushing big time on him.

It started off me just thinking he's cute.. and the I told him I thought that, because I had an epiphany and realized you only live life once.. He thought I was good looking too.

He's a musician, likes to go ATVing, and likes video games.
He drinks too, which kinda sucks, but who cares? A.J. did, and so did Steve. I've learned to let it go, without me getting into all of that, which is great, and shows my strength.

We talk a lot, and we started talking the most when I told him I thought he was cute.. which makes me laugh, but who cares?

We both complained that we were single.. and I tried to get the hint across, but it didn't seem like he caught on. But then one day, I said I was tired of being single, and he said to not let it get me down.. and then I thought he didn't like me.

I told him I wanted the guy I liked to make the first move, and it still seemed like he didn't catch on. But then he said, "well, if the guy happens to be me, I just so happen to like you.."

Yeah, I confessed that I liked him after he confessed first.

So then we hung out, which was fun. He greeted me with a hug, and it made me melt.. but I liked it. We hit it off pretty well.

My concert came around, and I told him he should come, and he said that he'd try, but it'd be almost impossible to make it.. but he did.. and it made me melt, again.. He went through hell and back just to see me, and he even got there early.

I actually feel like he does care about me.. unlike with former boyfriends. And the cool thing is, we're not even dating.

Then, yesterday came along.. and he asked me what I liked about him, and I gave him a list.. and then he told me that he really, really liked me.. but there was a catch.

He said that our morals were way different, and I told him that shouldn't mean anything.. I mean, how do we know if it'll work out or not if we don't try?

Because you miss 100% of all shots you don't take..

He drinks, but I told him awhile back that that doesn't bother me. He's also not a virgin, and I told him that doesn't bother me.. but I told him to make a decision.

I told him that I wasn't willing to have sex at this age. I told him to decide if he still wanted to be with me even though I wouldn't, and I asked if he's still interested in me..

He said that he likes sex, but he still wanted to be with me, and that he didn't lose interest in me.. the whole conversation had my stomach in knots.. and even now, I still feel it.. I didn't even eat lunch today because of it.

But this all showed me that there is someone who cares about me, and I'm glad to know he does.

We're trying to figure things out still, like how often we'd be able to see each other, and stuff like that, and I'm hoping things will work out, because it's hard to find a guy who'd give that up for a girl who isn't willing to go that far.

I think I'm ready to show that I've got a good head on my shoulders, and I want to be with him..

He's a sweet guy, and that's hard to come by..

I wanna rock my feelings away..

Christian just keeps getting at me concerning the band.

He is very sexist. That's all I'm going to say really.
He likes to ignore and discard my ideas such as lyrics and music. He's put off two songs I wrote, and two sets of lyrics.

I want to be in Raw Nerve, but I just can't stand this. I try to get along with him, but it's hard because he is as sexist as he is. It's not fair. I want to be treated like I'm really a part of the band. I could understand if we all put ideas together and collaborated as a group, but we really aren't.

I try to get along with him. Sometimes we get along great, and other times we just don't, and I'm supposed to be in a band with him?

I can't stand this. But I love this band. This is my child, so I hope things can be worked out..