Questions!

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationship stuff. Jordan has been crossing my mind for quite some time now, and it has been getting me down. Why Jordan? Well, I guess I can kinda see why.. we started dating October 10th last year, and since October 10th of this year, I've been kinda down about him.

I wish it would stop, but it hasn't. I was talking to Chelsea about it, and she said she used to have feelings like that about Rey after they broke up, as if it wasn't over.. and she's dating him again. I don't know if that's what's going on exactly, but it's a possibility.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about the whole Dalten deal. For some reason, maybe it was because of what Chelsea said, I don't know for sure if Dalten will want to be with me if we date because of the no sex thing.

I mean, he's had sex before, and what are the chances of him totally giving up sex to be with me, when he could find another girl who would have sex with him? I keep bringing up the no sex thing, just so I can make sure he's serious, you know, to make sure he has doubts now instead of when we're dating. I want him to be aware of what he's getting into, and what he's not, and if that means I push him to realize what he wants more causing him to not like me anymore, I'm going to do it. I don't want to get screwed over by a guy again.

I've been down about that too. I think sometimes that I'm a pessimist, but then I realize that I'm just more cautious. I try really hard not to get hurt, because I've been hurt a lot, and not just by guys. I think that me thinking about everything is good sometimes, but other times, it's not good at all. Sometimes my thinking keeps me from taking risks, and sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad.

The word "love" has been getting me down too, because I've realized more than ever just how much I hate the damn word. I don't know the meaning. I mean, family love is different than a relationship based love. I'm 17, and I want to be in a relationship so bad right now. I think that's because I want to feel loved. I feel that with family, it's a given to be loved, and to love. I know there are families out there that don't love each other, but I'm talking about my instances with it.

I want more than that. Or, maybe I don't..?

It's hard to tell exactly. Maybe I'm scared of it. Maybe that's my drive for everything. I haven't a clue.

I keep praying about it because I've been so down about it. I'm trying to give it to God, because He's the only one who knows what's going on.

But I wish I knew, because this is killing me..