Sometimes goodbye is a second chance..

Difficult times try your ability to survive.. No matter if it's true survival, or trying to stay sane..

I understand how some girls feel when they stay with a guy they shouldn't stay with, but make up excuses for why they're still with the guy. Before it was unclear to me as to why a girl would stay with a stupid guy, but now I see it clearly.

It's a fear. It's confusion. It's the state of being torn. It's being indecisive. And most of all, it's neglecting how you feel, an neglecting your best interest. In all honesty it's being selfless. But sometimes it's the worst mistake you'll ever make.

Biting your tongue rarely helps. But once again, I've shot myself in the foot.. just like I always do. I didn't learn the first time, or even the second time for that matter. To tell you the truth, I didn't learn the 22nd time. The thing is, it's something you either have, or you don't have; two different personalities really.

The type who will speak their mind, and the type who will bottle it up until so much damage is done inside that the person can barely function.

I am a bottler. I commit feeling suicide every time something like this happens. But this time I'm not going to do that. I've caught myself this time. I'm not going to let myself do that again.

Now, think hard.. what could I possibly be talking about this time?....

Well, as much as this hurts to try to make a joke out of it now, I'm talking about Nothing To Gain. I'm talking about the pain I'm going through. I'm talking about a jackass of a band member, and a supposed "friend." I'm talking about the damn decision. The decision I'm trying to make. But it's not that simple.

See, this is where the selflessness comes in; the reason why I want to stay with the band is because I don't want to abandon them. We've come so far, and I don't want to put a road block in their drive to fame. I don't want to lose my friends. "This is what I want.."

But then again, my voice means nothing. I'm treated like shit. I am the one who feels abandoned, and I feel like no one cares about me at all.

I would do anything for those guys; even for the jackass. Anything. They have no idea.

I tried to make the band a "team" thing, not an "I" thing. I've given up a lot to be fair to them. I've bit my tongue. I've been walked on by the jackass himself. I've even defended him when people rip on him, but I'm really starting to believe he wouldn't do the same for me. I'm almost positive when I say that. It's really sad to be sure someone who claims to be your friend doesn't stick up for you.

He won't listen unless it's in his best interest. Great role model? No. I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve.. but it's for Him to decide..

I feel like the Jason Newsted in this Metallica. The "jackass" is both James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich. The "clueless one" is Kirk Hammett. And the "no one" is, well, no one. See, James and Lars both treated Jason like dirt. He had no say at all, and was constantly pushed away for no reason whatsoever. Kirk didn't do anything because he didn't care what happened. The "no one" did nothing because he was no one to James and Lars. Both James and Lars wanted it their way, just like the "jackass."

Unfortunately the jackass pushed me away like James and Lars pushed Jason away. After being pushed away, and after being told his voice didn't mean anything, Jason left Metallica. Though not as successful, he lived a happier life playing with people who respected him.

I've never felt more sympathy for Jason until now. I now see exactly what he was going through. The poor guy took the bull shit for a long time, but he broke on the inside.

It's a big decision. I don't think Christian will change. I love Austin and Taylor, but I can't do this anymore. This is what I want, but if I have to go through this every other month, then I don't feel like it's worth it. Taylor and Austin are worth it, but Christian isn't.

This isn't Nine Inch Nails; members include Trent Reznor alone. This is Metallica; members include four people. A band of people.. I think my days with Nothing To Gain are numbered.

It's all up to God. He knows what's going to happen. He has a plan for me, so once again, I'm putting this all in His hands..


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