It brings a smile to my face..

Writing that letter a couple days ago to Dalten made me feel so much better. I've been reading it over, and over, for no apparent reason, and it makes me smile.

I didn't send it to him unfortunately, ha ha, but writing it was enough. Even the thought of how he'd act if he read it was enough for me. I just didn't reply to his message and hopefully that made him think.

Stupid boy. I deserve better than that.. fucking jerk. It's okay, he'll regret it later, and I guess that's how I've decided to make it positive. I can't dwell on it forever, because that wouldn't be fair to myself.

I guess that's all I needed to say,

Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Letter..

(I don't have what he wrote to me, but this will go through what happened)


Dear Dalten,

That's cool that you tell me that you "really really" like me and then go for another girl.

It's fucking winter. The snow we've gotten is breaking records. Even if I had my licence, I know that my parents wouldn't want me to drive in this shit.

I don't have money to pay for bus rides, I'm broke. Flat, ass broke. No money.

And you just give up on me, and act like a jerk and not talk to me.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Guys are totally fucking blind when it comes to peoples' feelings. I know you're made differently, but holy fuck. It'd be nice if guys showed a little more sensitivity.

You all are the fucking same.

You made it seem like you really cared, and that you were crazy for me, but you've found someone else. Fuck you dude.

I'm tired of shit from guys like you. Fuck you.

Oh, and by the way, yes, you are the reason for me feeling rejected.

Merry fucking Christmas to you too. Thanks for a broken heart. That's what I wanted for Christmas.

But let me ask you; how did you know that's what I wanted? Hmm, must have been a lucky guess.

"I'm gonna make her Christmas as shitty as possible by making her think I'm 'really really' into her, and then when Christmas Eve comes around, I'm going to act like an asshole and make her think that there's something wrong with her, cuz I remember her telling me that she's one of the most insecure girls in the world. Then, Christmas day, if she texts me "Merry Christmas" I'm not even going to send her a nice "Merry Christmas" text back, to let her know that we're cool. Oh, and I'm going to act happy cuz I'm in a relationship, and she's not. Oh, and I know when I do this, that she'll be cool with it, and we'll still be friends, cuz she'll get over it, just cuz I'll send her a message on myspace cuz that's so personal...... Hey, Chaz! For Christmas, I'm going to break you heart, even though I don't realize you're crazy for me, and that you almost cried because you couldn't make it to my concert, because you knew how much it meant to me. I'm going to break your heart, even though I don't realize that you thought things were actually going to work out with me, and that you were excited for the weather to clear up so you could spend time with me. But hell, give me a sledgehammer, so I can take it to your heart, just like every other guy. Oh, and, I want to hurt you on Christmas, even though you know that I'm a liar, because I don't realize that you saw my bulletin for the 'girlfriend application,' and I told you that I've 'encountered more then one girl.' So, we're friends, right? Hopefully 'there's not too many hard feelings.' We're cool, right?"

Fuck you.

I should have known.

Don't ever talk to me again.

It was over before it began..

"I,
Was,
Never enough for you.
I should have known,
I should've know.." - "Never Enough" by Mudvayne


I am in so much pain right now. It's Christmas, and I'm in pain. My heart is broken. I don't know if it was me who did this, or if it was otherwise, but I hurt so much.

Long story short;

There is a 22 year old guy who likes me, and he is in Castedown, like Dalten was.
I wasn't meaning to rub it in his face, but I wanted to tell Dalten because I thought it was funny that he was 22, and that he is in Castedown like he was, and that that part was a coincidence.

I don't know if he took it the wrong way, but it seems like he did.

I went to tell him because I thought he would laugh, but he asked me a question about Castedown, and I got distracted telling him about it, that I forgot/ didn't have time to tell him the funny part of the whole deal.

After I answered his question, he got off, and the funny part was left unsaid.

He was bummed, and I asked why, and he wouldn't tell me. I told him that if it was me, that he needed to tell me, but he said it wasn't. And then he stopped talking to me like he used to.. and it broke my heart, so I got offline.

This was yesterday, Christmas Eve.. I texted him today saying merry Christmas at 10:30 this morning, and it's 6:52 in the evening. He didn't text me back. Merry fucking Christmas, Carrera, you get a broken heart.

I'm planning on calling him in a few days to explain, and to get answers. Even though, he's now in a relationship.. even though, he "really, really" liked me.. even though he didn't even hear the whole thing.

This was the worst rejection I've ever felt. I don't know how to explain how much pain I'm in right now. Was this because I doubted things, or is this a sign from God that I wasn't supposed to be with him?

Everything happens for a reason, but I have to wait to see what that reason was, but this fucking hurts.

Merry fucking Christmas Dalten. You have no idea how crazy for you I was. I know I deserve better than that, and that sucks for you. You missed out. You hurt me, but you missed out.

Fuck you.

"I should've know.."

Questions!

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationship stuff. Jordan has been crossing my mind for quite some time now, and it has been getting me down. Why Jordan? Well, I guess I can kinda see why.. we started dating October 10th last year, and since October 10th of this year, I've been kinda down about him.

I wish it would stop, but it hasn't. I was talking to Chelsea about it, and she said she used to have feelings like that about Rey after they broke up, as if it wasn't over.. and she's dating him again. I don't know if that's what's going on exactly, but it's a possibility.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about the whole Dalten deal. For some reason, maybe it was because of what Chelsea said, I don't know for sure if Dalten will want to be with me if we date because of the no sex thing.

I mean, he's had sex before, and what are the chances of him totally giving up sex to be with me, when he could find another girl who would have sex with him? I keep bringing up the no sex thing, just so I can make sure he's serious, you know, to make sure he has doubts now instead of when we're dating. I want him to be aware of what he's getting into, and what he's not, and if that means I push him to realize what he wants more causing him to not like me anymore, I'm going to do it. I don't want to get screwed over by a guy again.

I've been down about that too. I think sometimes that I'm a pessimist, but then I realize that I'm just more cautious. I try really hard not to get hurt, because I've been hurt a lot, and not just by guys. I think that me thinking about everything is good sometimes, but other times, it's not good at all. Sometimes my thinking keeps me from taking risks, and sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad.

The word "love" has been getting me down too, because I've realized more than ever just how much I hate the damn word. I don't know the meaning. I mean, family love is different than a relationship based love. I'm 17, and I want to be in a relationship so bad right now. I think that's because I want to feel loved. I feel that with family, it's a given to be loved, and to love. I know there are families out there that don't love each other, but I'm talking about my instances with it.

I want more than that. Or, maybe I don't..?

It's hard to tell exactly. Maybe I'm scared of it. Maybe that's my drive for everything. I haven't a clue.

I keep praying about it because I've been so down about it. I'm trying to give it to God, because He's the only one who knows what's going on.

But I wish I knew, because this is killing me..

You're perfect, yes, it's true..

So, it had been awhile since I had talked to Dalten, and I finally got to yesterday, and today. It was nice, because I missed him, ha ha!

I really enjoy talking to him because how funny he is, not to mention, he's a very interesting person to talk to. I really like that in a guy, and of course, I told him. Getting my feelings out to him is kind of weird, because I'm not used to telling guys how I feel about them.

But it's going smoothly, so, I could get used to it.

He made me really proud though, and that's why I'm writing this entry. Yesterday, he decided to stop doing the drugs he was doing, and he decided to stop drinking. When he told me about that, I had a grin from ear, to ear. I was going to accept the fact that he did that stuff, but then he said he was done.. I took a deep, relieved sigh, because that's just one, well, two less things to worry about in our relationship.

He said that he went to go party with his friends, and one of his friends told him not to go overboard with his drinking, (apparently he tends to) but he didn't listen. He woke up the next morning, and told himself that he didn't want that lifestyle anymore, and seems to be sticking to that mind set.. or at least I hope he does.

But it made it easier to breathe for me. Even if he didn't stop that, I'd still want to be with him because he is amazing to me.

I talked to him again about the schedule of when we'd be able to see each other, and we could do it easily, if we both try. He said he was waiting on me to see if I was "worthy" which is respectable. He didn't tell me how I could become "worthy" in his eyes, but I know I can be.

I'm going to make the initiative too go see him, so I can show him that I would. I think that's what he wants to see. I know it's not the sex part, and I even asked him, and he said that's not it, so he still wants to be with me.

He has a concert Thursday, and I'm going. That'll help me show that I'm willing to make the initiative. I'm excited to see him live with his band. He was also grateful that I have been telling my friends about his band. My friend Jake goes to Skill Center with Dalten, and Jake asked Dalten if he had heard of Until Proven Innocent, Dalten's band, and Dalten said yes of course.

Dalten told me today, and thanked me for being supportive.. I'm hoping that also show him that I really care for him.

I'm excited for Thursday.. he doesn't know that I'm going to make it for sure, so it'll be a nice surprise!

=]

.. I haven't digested the butterflies yet..

My stomach still feels like there's a mosh pit in it.

The only one I told in detail about Dalten and my conversation was my sister, Brittany.. she's the one I go to to talk to about touchy subjects, such as the one with me and Dalten.

I was expecting her to say, "Chaz, I don't think you should date him." because that's how she is, and even though she's younger than me, I listen. Surprisingly, she didn't say that. She was glad that he would still want to be with me even though I wouldn't have sex.

I trust myself too, and I know I can stay abstinent. But, I'm not going to lie; the whole sex thing has been on my mind since Wednesday.. Even though he knows my position on the whole thing, I find myself still scared.. not that I will give in, but the whole concept of sex.

I'm terrified I guess. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Maybe it's because I couldn't imagine having sex because I'm disgusted at my body, and I'm scared the he would be too.. or maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist, ha ha! I would want it to be amazing, and perfect in every aspect.

It doesn't help that's it's everywhere.. my friends are having sex, and all you see on t.v. and in movies is sex. I know it's a big deal, but I don't think I'm ready for it.. and that's why I've chosen to not have it.

I don't know.. I guess I'm excited, but not excited enough to want to do it now.

It'll happen when I'm ready, and when I'm with the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life.. I don't know if that'll be Dalten, or someone else. God knows the plans, so I'm going to leave it up to Him..

I seemed to have devoured butterflies..

Dalten Billings is his name. And I'm crushing big time on him.

It started off me just thinking he's cute.. and the I told him I thought that, because I had an epiphany and realized you only live life once.. He thought I was good looking too.

He's a musician, likes to go ATVing, and likes video games.
He drinks too, which kinda sucks, but who cares? A.J. did, and so did Steve. I've learned to let it go, without me getting into all of that, which is great, and shows my strength.

We talk a lot, and we started talking the most when I told him I thought he was cute.. which makes me laugh, but who cares?

We both complained that we were single.. and I tried to get the hint across, but it didn't seem like he caught on. But then one day, I said I was tired of being single, and he said to not let it get me down.. and then I thought he didn't like me.

I told him I wanted the guy I liked to make the first move, and it still seemed like he didn't catch on. But then he said, "well, if the guy happens to be me, I just so happen to like you.."

Yeah, I confessed that I liked him after he confessed first.

So then we hung out, which was fun. He greeted me with a hug, and it made me melt.. but I liked it. We hit it off pretty well.

My concert came around, and I told him he should come, and he said that he'd try, but it'd be almost impossible to make it.. but he did.. and it made me melt, again.. He went through hell and back just to see me, and he even got there early.

I actually feel like he does care about me.. unlike with former boyfriends. And the cool thing is, we're not even dating.

Then, yesterday came along.. and he asked me what I liked about him, and I gave him a list.. and then he told me that he really, really liked me.. but there was a catch.

He said that our morals were way different, and I told him that shouldn't mean anything.. I mean, how do we know if it'll work out or not if we don't try?

Because you miss 100% of all shots you don't take..

He drinks, but I told him awhile back that that doesn't bother me. He's also not a virgin, and I told him that doesn't bother me.. but I told him to make a decision.

I told him that I wasn't willing to have sex at this age. I told him to decide if he still wanted to be with me even though I wouldn't, and I asked if he's still interested in me..

He said that he likes sex, but he still wanted to be with me, and that he didn't lose interest in me.. the whole conversation had my stomach in knots.. and even now, I still feel it.. I didn't even eat lunch today because of it.

But this all showed me that there is someone who cares about me, and I'm glad to know he does.

We're trying to figure things out still, like how often we'd be able to see each other, and stuff like that, and I'm hoping things will work out, because it's hard to find a guy who'd give that up for a girl who isn't willing to go that far.

I think I'm ready to show that I've got a good head on my shoulders, and I want to be with him..

He's a sweet guy, and that's hard to come by..

I wanna rock my feelings away..

Christian just keeps getting at me concerning the band.

He is very sexist. That's all I'm going to say really.
He likes to ignore and discard my ideas such as lyrics and music. He's put off two songs I wrote, and two sets of lyrics.

I want to be in Raw Nerve, but I just can't stand this. I try to get along with him, but it's hard because he is as sexist as he is. It's not fair. I want to be treated like I'm really a part of the band. I could understand if we all put ideas together and collaborated as a group, but we really aren't.

I try to get along with him. Sometimes we get along great, and other times we just don't, and I'm supposed to be in a band with him?

I can't stand this. But I love this band. This is my child, so I hope things can be worked out..

About last night..

The MuDvAyNe concert was fucking amazing! There are no words to describe how great they were; stage presence was amazing, and they sounded great too! Chad Gray even wore the clown suit!!!!
And lucky for freakin' Taylor, he got a picture of himself and Chad freakin' Gray together..

I don't think any concert will come close to how awesome Mudvayne was.

So, I had never moshed before, and my mom told me not to.. but I didn't listen, and did it anyways! I was nervous, but I had Taylor, Austin, and Adrian by my side.. even though Austin and Adrian left the pit after the first song, ha ha! I moshed for the first time, and it was freakin' SICK!!! I have never felt so much addreneline go through my body.
If you haven't moshed before, do it.

I was drenched in my own sweat, and it dripped off every time I jumped, or shoved someone, and it was pretty amazing!! Not to mention the sweat from everyone else, ha ha!

Then came "Dig" and the mosh for that song was BRUTAL!!! Chad Gray even told the "frail" ones to get out of the way, because he knows how crazy it get when "Dig" is in the mix.. he said the famous, "Can you dig it?" and everybody went ape-shit!

I moshed the whole time! Not to mention I was pretty much high from all the pot that was surrounding us, ha ha!

Needless to say, I had the best time of my life, and if they ever come again, I'm going!

Thank you Mudvayne for a great show!

Peace out, Rock on,

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

The light at the end of the tunnel is real..

It's been quite some time since Steve broke up with me. I've been doing great! I'm slowly getting in shape because I've decided to actually want to do something about how I look. I'm losing inches off my waist, and a lot of people have noticed.

Since he broke up with me, my creativity has come back. I finished writing a full bass line for a new song. I'm pleased with it too. I've also been doing a lot of drawing. My outlet is stronger than ever.

Since he broke up with me I feel better about myself, and I do see what I deserve. Because of that, I've started standing up for myself, against Judy and her crap. I feel good about it too, and I like knowing I can stand up, yet still be respectful, because I don't like to be disrespectful.

I'm getting older, so I feel more comfortable about standing up, because I know I can now. I'm doing this for me. The end.

Things are on the up and up for me, and I will keep it that way. And since I've become stronger, I'm more confident, and I know how to handle things better than I used to. I won't go into the depressed stages I went through anymore. I refuse to.

I have to say, I'm doing good.

=]

Just taking it how it is..

So life right now is better than it has ever been, and I'm enjoying every moment of it. I still feel great! Excalibur is coming down from being up in the air, I'm getting in shape, and I'm just enjoying life in general.

I like the feeling, and would love to hold onto it!

I'm leaving for Oregon tomorrow. That'll be my second trip in a month and a half, so I'm excited. Hopefully Oregon is cooler like it was last time, because it sure is hot here in Spokane. Not a fan of the heat at all.. but who is?

I've been so creative, and just inspired in general since Steve broke up with me. I'll say it again, I'm free! I've been working out a lot, and I've noticed a difference in how I feel. My mom, and aunt both told me that they think I'm trimming up, so that makes me feel better too. I'm gaining confidence, and a sense of self-discipline. I even have 'goal pants.'

Wow, life is great! But God is even more great! =]


Peace out, Rock on,

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

I. Am. Free.

Yesterday marked four months for Steve and I. But, he broke up with me yesterday. I cried the whole day, which is understandable. He felt like he was hurting me, and he also had his own problems he needed to deal with.

I was heart-broken, but for some reason when I woke up, I felt like this weight had been lifted from my weak shoulders. I cared about Steve, and he made my world go around, but I finally admitted to myself that he was in fact hurting me.

I loved him more than words can say; more than I ever loved Jordan, and A.J.

For some reason I just feel better, even though he meant the world to me. Every time I saw him, everybody, and everything disappeared. I felt like I could be me. I felt real love. But now, I feel better than I ever have. I feel free, and I know he feels that too.

Even though he was so sweet to me, and cared about me, along with complimenting me non-stop, there was no true relationship. He couldn't make time to see me. I made excuses for him, but that did nothing but hurt me. He was almost 18, and he didn't make enough of an effort to come see me; he let me down a lot.

There were no dates, no kisses, and I really couldn't rely on him. That is a problem.

Thanks to my mom, and dad alike, I realized that this was for the better. I feel like I know what I want. I finally feel like I actually deserve better that what I was getting. I've realized that this isn't the end, but the beginning, and unfortunately, it took three guys to help me figure that out, even though I don't need a guy for one, nor do I need one to make me feel good. I need to seek out good feelings in myself by what I do, and why I do it.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, and it was a nice change. I shook my head at everything Steve said, but it's all true, and I'm glad I could find that. I feel stronger that ever. I can now have time to fix myself; to try to get rid of my insecurities.

I will prepare myself for future relationships. I will no longer go into a relationship feeling weak, and bad about myself. If I can do that, I will have strength to know how a relationship should be. Even though I will become stronger, I will still feel the hurt of an ending relationship, yet, I will know if something's up, and if I need to leave for me.

I guess I can say thank you to Steve for making me realize this. I can't hate him, and I can't be bitter about this. I'm brushing my shoulders off, and starting new, which is something I've needed to do for a long time. He was a great friend, but for once, I can truthfully say that I'd rather it be that way. The relationship was great while it lasted, but I feel better now that it's over.

Thank you Steve, for helping me find me.

Is the coast clear?

Things right now at home, are, okay surprisingly.. But it's sad, because I'm still walking on eggshells. The thoughts I had about moving out are at a stand still; I'm not leaning toward a certain decision.

Judy is still being ridiculous, but at least there hasn't been any major outbursts and fights like there was a few months back. I'm just a little apprehensive, and I have a right to be.

I'm just going to keep on my toes, so I'll be ready if something gets out of control..

All I want to do, is rock my feelings away..

Sadly, I am considering moving out of my dad's house. I've tried everything I can to try to make everything work; my relationship with my dad and step-mom. The thing is, both people, my dad and I, have to make the initiative to change things.

I haven't done anything wrong, but I'm trying to make everything work. I don't want to wear a mask to hide everything like my dad wants me to do. I'm tired of the yelling, and cussing I hear from him, to me. My step-mom will act like my step-sister does to her, to my dad.. I'll do something, or my sister will do something that she doesn't like and she goes and tells my dad..

But she doesn't tell him everything.. she only tells him what will make my sister and I look like bad kids, when in fact it's her daughter who is ultimately causing the problems. It's not fair on any level, and I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I have been talking to my dad about things that are going on, but nothing is changing. Nothing will ever change.

My dad will come in yelling at my sister and I when he doesn't know all of the events, and all of the story. Yet, unfortunately my step-mom has him brainwashed. He won't stick up for my sister and I. It's his problem though, and luckily I understand that..

But it doesn't make it okay. I'm kinda at a point to where I'm speechless in a way.

I don't know what to do, so moving out is the only option for me now...

Down on my head...

In life, you get one chance to live. You get one chance to live the way you want; no one stands in your way, no one breaks you down, and no one tells you to go their way.

You get one chance to get your first kiss. Once you've had your first kiss, there is no longer a chance to get another first kiss.

You get one chance to experience Kindergarten, and all the joys that come along with that; making friends and no one judges, and even having nap time.

You get one chance to go through high school. You get to find yourself, learn new things, and make friends that you'll have for the rest of you life.

You get one chance to raise your children to the best of your ability. Show them right from wrong, tell them you love them every moment you can, and create the safest and loving environment for them to live in without the fear of being rejected, stepped on, ignored, and pushed away..

Dear dad,

Why do you not care about how I am treated? I'm pushed around like dirt on a floor, and you act like it's no big deal. It's gone to the point where I feel the only way I can escape is to not come in contact with you, Judy, or Kaitlyn. Isn't that sad to you? Don't you see how this is affecting me? How can you not care about that?
I think I might move out. I don't want to be walked on anymore, because it's taking a toll on my mood, school work, motivation, and my energy altogether. I had given you the chance to get things straightened out, and to try to save our relationship. You told me to talk to you. I did. You said that you were listening, but I know you couldn't hear me.
I told you how I felt, and why I felt that way, but you told me that I should just get over it. How am I supposed to get over it if the same thing keeps happening over, and over again? I'm you first daughter dad. I'm out of the house in less than two years, maybe even less than that if thing aren't changed. Don't you care about that? I'll be gone. Does that not phase you?
I wish all the time that our relationship could be normal. We could talk about cars and music. You wouldn't lecture me about everything. You wouldn't think my feelings are useless, and ridiculous. I would be daddy's girl like I used to be. I wish that I could safely say that you will always be there for me, but unfortunately I don't know if that's true. I don't think you'll realize when I'm gone that I'm gone forever. I don't think it will phase you.
Why can't you help me? What will it take for you to realize I'm dying on the inside? How am I supposed to get over this? Why have you let it get to this?..

I don't want you to pick sides.. I just want you to defend me.. that's all I EVER wanted...

Carrera

I'm in love with a Ninja..

.. I was very, very wrong..
... I could get over him...
.... I did get over him....
..... I'll stay over him.....

That's because Steve came into my life. As we started going out, all the feelings for Jordan had melted away. Steve stopped the world to melt with me.

He told me that he had feeling for me since the first day he met me. He was going out with this girl Sabrina before Jordan and I started going out, so I stepped off; I liked him too.

I talked to him a lot about Jordan; Steve had become my best friend. He was still going out with Sabrina, but about a month later, she broke up with him, or he broke up with her, I don't remember. Before that, Steve would tell me that I should put myself out there and tell Jordan how I felt.

I did about a month after Sabrina broke up with Steve, and Jordan and I were a couple. Steve had gone out with a few girls during the time Jordan and I were dating, but then was single for a long period of time. Then Jordan ripped my heart out.

A week after he broke up with me, Steve called me telling me he was coming over to see me, and check up on me, whether I liked it or not, and sure enough, he did. That was huge. He cared enough to just come right over to see me, and he lives a while away from me; I'm talking not walking distance.

While Jordan and I were dating, he made a few smart remarks like, "How are you and what's-his-face.." and stuff like that.. He knew Jordan's name, there is no possible way he couldn't. I talked about Jordan constantly. Those comments were made later in Jordan and my relationship, mind you, when Steve was single.

.. About a month and a half after Jordan broke up with me, Steve and I were messaging back and forth on Myspace, and he kept hinting towards him and I dating, with statements like, "Well I just want to be liked in that way, like im depended on... and I'm tired of being lonely..." and "Yeah I have a problem with telling people how I feel, because I hate rejection... All I do is hint to them... And hopefully get a positive reaction..." These are really things he said..

He did the hinting thing, but wouldn't just go out and say what he meant. I was tired of the hinting so I told him that I liked him, ".. I think I like you." Then he said back, "Well I KNOW I like you!"

I really didn't believe him so I sent him, ".. Like the like me like me?" and his reply was, "Like, liking like liking the likingness of you... For, like ever..."

I asked him again if he was for real, and he said that I could ask all of his friends. It went from there, and we started dating..

I'm in love with a Ninja, his name is Steve, a.k.a., Ninja White

A sour dedication...

Now People Say I'm Jinxed,
I Got Some Kind Of Voodoo Hex,
Life Is So Complex There's No Telling What Could Happen Next.
Life On The Edge Fuels The Sickness In My Head,
It Imbeds The Type Of Thoughts That's Got A Lot Of Brothers Dead.
The Smarter Brother Knows To Keep His Foes Close And I'm The Type Of Brothers That Smarter Than Most,
A Cold Hearted Overdose Of Lyrical Antidotes,
The Cure To Make Sure My Karma Can't Take Me Down Up To The Same Old Tricks.
I Wonder If I'll Stick Around,
Is A Penny Really Lucky If You Find It On The Ground?
What's The Problem With This Town I Can't Figure It Out,
My Karma's Crashing Down In The Form Of A Black Cloud.

I've Got A Little Black Cloud That Follows Me Everywhere I Go It Takes Over Me.
I've Got A Little Black Cloud That Follows Me Everywhere I Go It Takes Over Me.

I'm Sick,
I've Got An Ill Disposition,
My Intentions Are Pure But There's A Cure For My Condition.
My Decisions Put Me In The Wrong Positions,
Chasing Pipe Dreams Of Fame And Recognition.
The Epic.
Not Only A Name A Definition,
My Game Remains No Matter The Pain,
I Stay The Charmer,
The Don Of Karma I Navigate Like The Dalai Lama,
I Ain't A Saint But I've Got Joi De Vie And I'm The One To Blame If The Cloud Rains On Me.
I Can't Complain About It Or Even Let Regret.
Provoke The Energy It TakesFor Me To Get Upset,
A Bad Boy Since Birth So I Can't Forget.
What Goes Around Comes Around And It Ain't Got Me Yet,
I've Gotten Wise In My Age And Tame The Threat Of My Rage.
I've Got Allot To Learn And I've Got Money To Spend To Pretend Is Reaping More Than Sewing Ever Could Mend.

Trade My Torches For A Dime.
The Pressure's Fading Away Now.
Black Cloud's Lifted For The Light.
The Pressure's Fading Away Now.
A Thousands Cigarettes Won't Change The Way We Feel.
The Pressure's Fading Now.
Can You Bare The Though Of Knowing Truth,
Knowing Truth.

I Was Rapping In The Rain Hoping That My Luck Would Change,
And If There's Any Truth To All Those All Sayings.
Cuz If I Kill A Spider Would My House Catch On Fire?
If I Walk Under A Ladder Would It Matter?
I Tend To Laugh When Black Cats Cross My Path,
Break Mirrors In Half Just To Test The Aftermath.
Now Here Comes The Rain,
I Protect My Pain.
Trying To Make Sense Of These Crazy Things.
I'm A Diamond In The Rough,
Could I Suffer Enough I'm Getting High For A Living Not Giving A Fuck.
These Hard Times Got Me Stuck,
Stuck In A Jam,
I'm The Monkey On Your Back And The Crack In The Dam.
Disastrous.
Took Time To Master This And The Past Is Just A Map To Capture This.
In The Darkness I'm Force To Adapt To This,
I Would Change The Past If I Could Have One Wish.

Trade My Torches For A Dime.
The Pressure's Fading Away Now.
Black Cloud's Lifted For The Light.
The Pressure's Fading Away Now.
A Thousands Cigarettes Won't Change The Way We Feel.
The Pressure's Fading Now.
Can You Bare The Though Of Knowing Truth,
Knowing Truth.

... I've Got A Little Black Cloud...
... I've Got A Little Black Cloud... ... Knowing Truth...
... Got A Little Black Cloud... ... Knowing Truth...

Scratch that..

The gig has been moved to sometime in May.... I'm getting impatient! I'm very excited about it, but it's a good thing that it's moved to a later date. We'll have more practice, making us better, showing people how awesome we really are.

Then, we'll get even more noticed!

Yay!

Go Excalibur!!!

May metal be forever!

So, I went to band practice Thursday, and we wrote yet another song. It is almost too metal, and I love it. We don't have a name for it yet, but it is coming along pretty well for it being only a demo.

We have a gig coming up on the 24th of April. I'm very nervous, but also very excited...

MY FIRST REAL GIG, WITH MY REAL BAND!!!

That is all,

Peace out, Rock on,

Chazzy Chaz Invisible Kid Hetfield

Anyways...

I'm sorry, I was RUDELY interupted by school...

... Things at home have been very interesting.. I've done a lot of crying, including last night's cry when writing about Jordan.

About three weeks ago, my papa died, the one who got me my first guitar, and sure as hell got me started in the whole music deal. I didn't really cry that much for some reason.. Maybe it's because a week and a half before, Jordan broke up with me, and I was failing a class.

He was in a lot of pain, and I guess maybe it was because it was comforting to know that he wouldn't be in any more pain again. I also realized that he would always be watching me. He missed my music theory composition concert in a way, but he was also right there listening to me play.

I'm in a new band called Excalibur. We are metal. I am the bassist and backing vocals, Christian is the drummer and vocalist, Taylor is the shredding guitar, and Justice is also the guitarist, well kind of. He is kinda doing his own thing right now, so might lose a guitarist.

This is a gift from God. I stopped looking for a band, hoping God would bring me one if he really felt I needed one, and apparently he thought so. I went and practiced with the guys to try out, and they thought I was increadible.

We also recorded a song on the first time I ever went and practiced with them. "In Cold Blood" is the name, it is an instrumental, and it rocks...


I suppose that is all I have to say for now,


Peace out, Rock on,

Chazzy Chaz Invisible Kid Hetfield

STOP! Math time.

So... I passed math!

Sad thing is, it was with a 63% which is barely a D, it's almost a D-. Luckily, I saved all of my work from the previous units, so I studied, and went in for help every chance I got, and it payed off. I didn't end up getting a tutor, but I made it through.

I started my new trimester at school, and I'm in math 3a; I almost failed 2b... The funny thing is I think I'm going to do much better in 3a than 2b.

My music theory composition went great! Except for the fact that my dad forgot all about it, and my step-mom didn't even care to see it. I don't know how my dad could've forgotten it; it's the only thing I look forward to, and I had been telling him for the past three weeks. If it were Kaitlyn's thing, or Brittany's thing, they wouldn't have forgotten, but no, they missed the only thing that I was in, and the only thing that meant so much to me.

My mom made it, but she was the one who took me. She is in Las Vegas right now, and I am not liking it one bit. I miss her like crazy! She left last Saturday, and will be back this Saturday. TOO LONG!!! She's the only one I talk to about everything, and I really need to talk to her about some things.

... I will return to this later. I have to go to the hell-hole... I mean, to school..

It's been awhile...

I don't actually think I'm going to finish my last post, there is just too much to say..

So I haven't posted something in a while, and trust me, there is a lot to say.. But unfortunately, I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with saying that the love of my life, the only one who owned my heart, took my heart right out of my chest, and tossed it like it was nothing.. This was over a month ago, and the experiance made me hate Valentine's Day even more than I already do. We had planned to do something for Valentine's Day, but were not able to see each other then. We then planned to meet on the Saturday after, to watch a movie, and exchange gifts..

The Friday after Valentine's Day, (It was on Thursday), Jordan had texted me at 10:30 at night to tell me that he couldn't come over.

It ripped my heart right out, because I hadn't seen him in about a month, and I had planned to see him; I missed him like you would never know. I got mad at him, like I rightfully should have, but then it went downhill from there.

The next day I didn't hear from him at all, and I went to check my messages on myspace. Let me say now, the night Jordan texted me saying he couldn't come over, I had a dream he broke up with me.

I see that Jordan sent me a message, and I broke down and cried right there. I didn't open it, but I knew exactly what it was going to say. I opened it, and tears ran down my face like I have never had happened before.

... He didn't want to lead me on. Apparently, he couldn't learn to love me back. He couldn't see that I was a loveable person. He said that the distance made it hard. He said he didn't want to hurt me but he did. He still wanted to be friends. He wanted it to stay that way..

Then why did you tell me you loved me, why did you want to go out with me, why won't you give me true reasons? If you say that it hurt you too, then why did you break up with me? Why didn't you want to make it work? Why couldn't you really love me too?...

It seems that in life, the question that never gets answered, gets asked the most.


... Why...


I'm sorry Jordan, that I loved you, because it's such a crime...

The effected uneffected cont...

... My stepmom and I sat down and had a two and a half hour long talk. There was crying involved, but things got brought up that needed to be taken down. I told her how I felt, knowing it was the perfect time, and knowing a time like this wouldn't come another day. She had brought up stuff that she learned in counseling. She started talking about things that I had wanted to say, and I actually thought things were going to change.



I felt so good getting out all the hurt, and anger, and sadness that I had been bottling up for far to long. More weight lifted off my shoulders, making it easier to be a human.



The rest of the day, I hung out with her, and it was the best feeling in the world. Getting to be me again had never felt so good. I missed it, more than anything.

The effected uneffected

So things at home were talked about, and it all started by my mom calling my dad about how I'm still watching my step-sister even though he said I didn't have to. It all went from there, and let me tell you, it was hell. I've decided to not go into the whole story, long story short, things got way too out of control for one thing, and there was a lot of yelling involved, and I was practically disowned for all that went on...

I cried for many hours straight, I was tired of it all... I had a nervous breakdown and didn't go to school because I couldn't keep myself together, it was almost impossible.. I needed a break, so I got one. The day after, when I stayed home, My step-mom got off work early, for one, because she had counseling, thank God, and two, she feared she'd come home, and I'd be dead... I know where her pills are, and she feared I'd purposely overdose...

I'll get back to this in a few days...

HELP!

I need somebody, help, not just anybody, help, I need somebody, HELP! I got back one of my math quizzes, and I see that I failed this one. Perfect, just, perfect. See, I haven't been looking towards having a tutor, but now I'm realizing, I really need one... LIKE NOW! I'm really trying to get my grade up in math, and Spanish as well.

I'm not the kind to slack off, trust me, I'm just a slow learner I guess. I used to like math, I really did. It seems like that's so far away now. I hated language arts back then, as I loved math, but that has changed. Language arts is my favorite class now, next to any music class I take.


Weird how that all works out...


Things aren't like they used to be for me. High school is hard, don't just take that from me, ask anyone who's lived through it. I do have to say now, I do enjoy it sometimes, I truly, truly do. It is quite a blast, new friends, classes, freedoms, etc. I will say now, sophomore year sucks a little. You're not a freshman anymore, but you're not a junior.

Luckily this year is going by very fast... Maybe even too fast...



I'm excited. This Valentine's Day, I can now say, I'm not alone. I don't think I've ever been able to say that... It's not Valentine's Day yet, but I have a good feeling Jordan and I will still be together... February 10th will be four months for him and me, and yes, it is appropriate to put him and me. I've learned the rules in language arts about when to put him and I, and him and me. I feel so smart!!

Well I suppose that is all I have to say at this very moment,


Peace out, Rock on,
Chazzy Chaz Invisible Kid Hetfield

Time marches on, and on, and on...

Still haven't done tutoring yet, kinda glad. I don't exactly know why I don't want to do it, just seems dumb to me,... I guess. I went to counseling, thank God. I got everything off my chest, and I could notice a difference in how I was feeling. I've realized more than ever that I keep inching closer and closer to graduation. I'm out of the house in merely 2 years, and I can't wait.

I'll get out of the hell-hole I'm in right now. I'm thinking about my future, and it is kind of scary to me, but I'll be free from the ball and chain I'm attached to right at this point.

I got to see my love on Saturday, that put me in a good mood. He was kinda quiet, not really himself, but I got to see him, that's all that matters. He has a condition called 'Ulcertive Colitis' and it makes him tired. He's been in the hospital various amounts of times for it too. He is sick a lot, so I don't get to see him a lot because of it, but texting is a constant for us.

I've decided that if we were to get married and have a kid, our kid would not only be named after Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers, but would have many medical problems, between Jordan's ulcertive colitis, to my anxiety, plus many more problems.

In conclusion to Jordan and I, I had lost one of my greatest, most caring and funny friends, Kalob. Kalob was a good friend of Jordan's too, so they got along. See, I had liked Jordan for a long time, and when we started going out, Kalob began to be a jerk to me. He was cool to Jordan, but resentful to me. I know that he wouldn't just randomly be a jerk to me, we were too good of friends. I came to the conclusion that he was jealous of Jordan.

Kalob liked me, that is all there is to it.

He stopped talking to me, and there was nothing I could do. Our friendship had just ended last week, and that was it. Kalob was cool to Jordan, Jordan would tell me, but being the great, protective, sweet boyfriend he is, he wouldn't talk to him until he talked to me, until he decided to be respectful to me...

Nothing happened, so I lost my friend.


What can I do... I've lost the only other friend who could make me laugh all the time, and I lost him to something as stupid as this...

2+2=Lame.

... So I haven't started tutoring... yet... and I am not looking forward to it one bit. I have been quite stressed these past few weeks, but I'll be okay, counseling is this Thursday... THANK GOD!!! School isn't the only thing that is stressing me out...

My step-mom. I never thought I'd be in a situation where I could fairly say I felt like Cinderella, but at this point in my life, I can now say that, sad but true. She is the evil step-mother, and my step-sister, the evil step-sister. Life at my dad's house has turned into hell, and no matter how much I put my feelings out, nothing gets changed. The sad thing is, my dad and Satan, I mean my step-mom, are always telling me to tell them when I am hurt, and upset, but when I do, nothing changes.

I'm supposed to grin and bear it.

My mom is leaving for Las Vegas for a week, I don't remember when, but she asked me if I would still be alive when she came back. I said no. I am most definately not looking forward to when she leaves. How am I going to survive for a week without the one who keeps me sane???

Oh, please help me... someone...

School's out for, well, never.

School... Pointless... That is all I can really say. Finding out you have a D in math isn't the best news, trust me, I know. I'm not the kind to slack off, but test anxiety can really kill me. I'm really not the type to just sit down and study. I've tried, I really have, tried to make it fun... IMPOSSIBLE!!! I don't know how to make my parents understand that I have anxiety when it comes to tests, not to mention I have anxiety disorder.

What is anxiety disorder? Well, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, so it is considered a mental illness, (not like a retardation), and it can be caused by emotional problems too. Well, lucky for me, I have a little bit of chemical and emotional problems both.

Whoopte-freakin'-do for me.

Sometimes it's tolerable, and other times it's not. Sad thing is, it's a disorder for life.

... To get on with the story, I did something that is totally embarrasing, for me atleast; I got a tutor. So, I'm going to see just how well that works, math isn't my strong suit, but I hope I can learn quick, so I can stop this tutoring thing... so I can gain back some dignity...

Until then...

This is me.

I am Chazzy Chaz Hetfield. The Invisible Kid. My life revolves around music and art. I love to write, draw, play instruments, and weld, along with many other things.

I am a Christian, and I have set my morals on what Jesus would do... sometimes. I don't believe you should always "turn your cheek", because I believe you shouldn't always be stepped on. And I don't believe it is so easy to put things in the past, because it isn't always "peaches and creme".

I've never done drugs, and I never plan on doing them, ever. I believe they are a waste of time. I get high off my music. Music gives me an outlet. I'm mad, I play my guitar, I'm sad, I play my guitar, I'm happy, I play my guitar.

I am writing 2 books right now. An autobiography called "Who?" and an action book called "Through the Eyes of a Gunman".

I was born September 29, 1991. The year of grunge-rock, as I like to say, (not to mention, the year MetallicA came out with "The Black Album".

MetallicA is my favorite band. I am a rock person. I'm not into rap, hip-hop, or pop. I like anything with guitars, basses, and drums really.

As of my personality, I am a peace-maker, and a fighter, which happens to be two complete opposite things. I am usually soft spoken, but when somthing upsets me, I let people know. I don't let anybody walk on me, and when I do, it's the first and last time.

I told myself I wouldn't write about this, but here I go. I have a boyfriend, his name is Jordan. I love him with every part of me. He's not only my boyfriend, but my best friend too. I've liked him for a long time, and I finally told him, and he liked me too. I think if we do split, we will still remain the best of friends, forever.

That is all that comes to mind, so far... I will be sure to update about my books, friends, music, and so on... so until then,


Peace out and Rock on,
Chazzy Chaz Invisible Kid Hetfield