2010

Is almost here.

Plans for the year 2010:
*Graduate
*Get a job
*Get a car
*Go on big camping trip with Britt and Brandon
*Start a band
*Get another tattoo
*Get down to my ideal body weight
*Get more piercings
*Join the military (possibility)


Big plans, little time..

Next year will be different. No alcohol drama, no Nothing To Gain drama. No Brandan drama. No home drama. I'm cutting drama out of my life. I'm my own person, and I can choose to do that. 2010 will be a big deal in my life.

It's kinda funny,

as I was thinking about a stupid guy, I was thinking about why I still had him in my phone.. then I thought about the joke Dane Cook said one time about deleting someone from your phone, and how it was kind of like deleting them completely out of your life, or even completely off of this world..

So, I have my phone right now getting ready to do just that..

Okay, done. =]

I feel better now.

Just thought I'd share that.

I don't know what I was getting myself into. It seems ridiculous now, but at the time I was open to the idea of a "bad boy." Ha! Not a chance, asshole. So, fuck you.

Besides, I have someone else in mind.. someone better than that by a long shot. But, I'll just have to see what time makes of it. Another thing I'm putting in God's hands.

And There's No More Beauty

Bloody the hands, from the grip of anger.
A rip and a tear, here or there.
Just enough time to make it hurt.

Jump to the cliff of sanity.
Lose your grip on vanity.
Nothing is truly beautiful in the eyes of the beholder.

What is there to see anymore?
Absolutely nothing; that's what.
That's all.

A hardened soul battered by the likes of hatred.
The crying widow on the hill.
A shadow upon her, chillingly caressing her being.

And there's no more beauty.

Good Girl+Bad Boy

I'm attracted to you, no matter what you do.
You've been straight up, and that takes courage. A lot of it.

Why do I believe in you?

I don't know, to be completely honest. I wish I knew, so I could tell you, but it's something both you and me need to accept. I believe in you. That's it. That's all I can tell you.

There's a feeling that I can't shake, as if it's God saying, "don't give up on him.. you might not see the point now, but I will show you why soon enough.." So, I won't. I won't give up on you, I promise. I won't even if you give up on me. I feel as if you belong in my life, in one way or another, and I can't shake that.

I can't get you off my mind.

I know how you are, how you numb yourself, your mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses. I know what you look forward to, and how you feel about me. I know you are scared to be with someone like me, but I'm scared to be with someone like you.

You're different, and you've made that clear, but I won't give up. I can't. I promise.


=..?


God, what's your plan?..

3:19 a.m.

You're stuck in my head at the moment.. at first, I tried to blow it off as if you'd be the same as everybody else.. but you proved me wrong.. so far.

I seem to have inhaled butterflies.. damn.

You're different from the rest. I truly believe it. Something in the way you converse with me.. it's different. A good different. As if you say, "listen, I'm not gonna lead you on in any way, so don't worry."

Smiling hurts now. I do it way too often. =]

But you know, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the feeling.

Different. I admire that. You've changed how I see your kind; the male species. I really didn't think that would ever happen, but look at me now!

Thank you.

I can't tell you that enough. I can't find the words to tell you how much I appreciate you coming into my life and changing it for the better.

You'll never understand, but I'll keep telling you, and I don't mind doing so.

What you've done..

You've helped me to love music again. I know I've told you this, but you have no idea how happy I am because of it. Thank you.

You've been a blessing to me. You've given me even more faith in God.. I know you're sceptical of the whole idea, but you're my evidence. You're my reason for believing. God brought you to me just in time!

Boy, you're one cool person. You have no idea..

Please..

Let's figure things out. This is a big deal. We're both unsure at this point, which is understandable. Decisions like this are hard to make.

Maybe time will solve it, but I don't want to wait.. but then again, time likes to fly by, so maybe the wait won't be as long as I think it will be.

Who knows. Again, this is all in God's hands. He knows exactly what will come out of this. If you put it in His hands like I've done, we can work this through; bring it down from the air.

Your faith gives me faith. I'm sitting here, "patiently waiting for you.."

Babe, you're worth the wait..

Yes. Yes I do.

You.

You, you, you.

Yes I do.

I do, I do.

I'm here, you're there;

We've got a problem.

Where?

A middle ground? A place in between? Anything for you, yes you, I'd do.

Tell me what you think. I'd love to hear it. You know I would.

Distance; noun;
1. the extent or amount of space between two things, points, lines, etc.
2. the state or fact of being apart in space, as of one thing from another; remoteness.


A distance that can be solved. We've got this! We do! We've got this!

18.

Being 18 has really taken a toll on me emotionally.

But, it's not bad. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

I've seen how I've grown up through the papers I've saved, the pictures I've drawn, or even the toys I've stored away. As I clean my rooms (the one at dad's, and mom's) I run into things I forgot I had, or things I forgot I had interest in.

It's weird looking at this stuff. I'm 18 now. I'm an adult. I am no longer a child.

Still a teenager, but a teenager with adult status.

My future is ahead; my jobs, college, marriage, kids, and the list goes on. It's weird to be able to touch it now. It's tangible. I'm able to mold it. To hold it. To do with it what I want.

I've gotten emotional looking at things I used to love, or even play with as a kid. Looking at pictures has been weird too. I see a little child, and it's hard to believe that I'm not one anymore. It's just surreal to me; as it should be.

How time flys when you're having fun.. and how it stops when tragedy arises.

Life is crazy.

Once again..

I'm leaving this all in your hands God. You're the only one who knows what will come out of this. Even though I'd love to find out now..

But things don't always work out that way. Of course not.


North Carolina, I've never even thought about you until now. Why? This all seems silly. Why do I feel like you, North Carolina, would hold something different?
Eventually, things turn out the same, right? North Carolina.
There's something I see.. but maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me again.

A man of courage, of God, of music. A man. Damn, North Carolina.
"Anything can happen.."

I wish that were the case.

NC

I want to move down to North Carolina.

I want to be with Jon.

Y'know,

I hate the feeling of, "It's over." It's something I don't like to deal with.

My mom is telling me to leave him, and of course telling me the things that I already know deep down, but they're things I don't want to hear right now. I hate that. Pisses me off even more; I won't lie.

I don't want to give up on him, but if something is going to happen every week, and make me down, I don't want to deal with that. That's why I wish I could talk to him. I want to tell him exactly how I feel. I want to know exactly how he feels too.

I probably made it worse by trying to get a hold of him a lot, but I hate wondering, especially since I dwell on everything. I don't want a guy that comes with extra drama that everyone knows I will end up taking on myself because I'm fucking stupid that way.

I like him a lot, and I know, or at least I knew he felt the same, but it's ridiculous how he'll just all of a sudden stop talking to me, and stop making contact whatsoever. I don't deserve that. I know that. But I like the way he makes me feel when shit isn't hitting the fan.

I could probably find someone else who will treat me how he does, but I'm too down to think of that right now. I hate relationships. Especially if one side isn't communicating with the other. See, it doesn't work that way. That can't happen. But guys have fucking brain damage when it comes to that.

I think I'm more angry than sad right now. I'm angry because I just want answers. I don't want to wait. I hate waiting. I've been trying to get a hold of him so I can figure out if it's over. I just want to get it over with, if it needs to be ended. No more waiting.. I'm impatient.

Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck the up fuck. Fuck you, and you, and you. Oh, and fuck you. Fuck it.

Fuck.

Too good to be true.

I should have known. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I would break up with you.. if I could fucking get a hold of you.

Fucking answer your phone asshole.

Excuses

They aren't needed, so stop using them; I don't fucking care.. it seems like you always have an excuse.

I mean, there are some excuses that are real, and I understand that, but I'm sick of hearing them from you. Stop it. Be straight up with me. Because this is pissing me off.

Too much..

I have way too much on my mind right now.. but I want to say something to someone, and get this off my chest:

You are tearing us apart. That doesn't mean I'll give up though; he's more than worth it to me, but this is causing me a lot of heart ache. The thing that bothers me the most is that it has been happening since the beginning. That sucks.

It's been 15 years; can't you enjoy the time with him? Do you really want to push him out of your life like you are? What do you see coming out of this? Because I don't see any benefit whatsoever.

I care for your son more than you'd ever know, and I want to see him happy again, but you're not allowing him to live that way. All he wanted was to be able to get close to you, and build a relationship with you, but you won't let it happen! How could you be so cruel? I can't even imagine being in his spot, having to deal with your shit. Grow the fuck up.

Grow up for your son's sake. Grow up for your girlfriends sake. Grow up for my sake for the love of God.. You're breaking your son's heart, and now my heart is broken. He doesn't want to talk to me, and that fucking hurts.

I'm pretty sure he'd do anything for you. He loves his family. He's told me that many times. But I'm upset because you keep pushing him away. It's effecting your other kids' lives. It's even effecting mine, because his problems are partially mine now. He's shutting down inside, and it's your fault.

Thanks for creating this mess. You should be ashamed of yourself.. you have no idea..

You make me feel..

I love when you look at me, whether I'm looking back or not.
I love when you massage my neck (because you know it turns me on).
I love when you hold me tight.
I love when you run you fingers down my arm.
I love when you bite me.
I love when you lay on my chest.
I love when you call me beautiful.
I just love being around you.
And I've found myself falling for you even more, every time I'm near you.

Yesterday was another amazing day with Brandan. It's hard when he leaves, but the time we spend together makes me forget everything around me.

We cuddled just about the whole time he was here, which was great. We were sprawled out on the couch, intertwined with each other.. it was amazing. He lied his head on my chest, and had his arm around me, and I had my legs over his, while I had my arm wrapped around him.

He told me my heart was beating fast.. no wonder why, ha ha!

I stroked his hair.. I just love how soft it is, ha ha! Then I ran my fingers along his shoulders.. he likes that. =] Everything felt so right.. and it made me angry, ha ha!

We watched a movie, and he lied his head down on my shoulder, and a little bit later, I could feel it get heavier, and heavier on my shoulder; he was dosing off, ha ha! It was pretty cute. When I tried to move to make it more comfortable for him, he woke up. I felt bad, but he played it off like he wasn't sleeping. Pretty cute stuff.

Then we sat up, and held hands, and then he pulled my hand up and kissed it. I was about as red as a cherry. He won.. again.

We just hung out the whole day.. it was nice.

I love being around him. It feels like we've known each other for a long time, which is crazy. Makes things nice though.

Gosh.. I just need to learn to accept it. I'm falling for him. Plain and simple.

Brandan LaBerg, you've stolen my heart..

I don't think so.

"You're a motherfuckin' peace of shit, and you'll never amount to nothing.."

You fuck with my little sister, and you get to deal with me. I'm not gonna be very nice, so keep that in mind, punk..

I wish I could..

I wish I could fix you,
And make you how I want you,
I wish I could fix you,
And I wish you could fix me,
I wish I could heal you,
And mend where you are broken,
I wish I could heal you,
And I wish you could heal me..
-"Fix You" by The Offspring


Get Your Own Free Hypster.com Playlist.

What I cause..

When I took a shower today, I had my normal thinking session. I think that's partial reason for why I take such long showers.. anyways..

I started thinking about things, and my mind was starting to get the best of me. I was doubting mine and Brandan's relationship.. not that anything wrong is going on, it's just me thinking that it can't be.. I don't deserve him.. It's too good to be true.

But, I had an epiphany. I'm the reason all my relationships fail. Not just boyfriends, but friendships, and so on. Doubt clouds my mind. I want to believe that the people in my life care about me, and that's why I hold on as tight as I do.

I doubt everything. I'm not confident. I have trust issues. I mess everything up because I doubt, and I don't trust. It's me.

I fuck it up. I hold on to everything people say to me, but I can't believe them. I end up becoming so closed off that nobody can reach me anymore. Nobody at all. And it hurts to know that I've hurt others.

I don't mean to. I would never mean to. But I do, and I can't take the hurt I've caused away. I feel like a piece of shit, and I should.

I feel bad for Brandan.. I feel me closing off, and doubting things, and I don't want to go down that path again. He deserves a chance, and if I wouldn't have caught myself, I'd end up fucking up another relationship.

I understand that a lot of my relationships weren't just me tearing them apart, but I'm trying to stop myself early so I don't mess anymore up. I don't want to mess up my relationship with Brandan. I'd feel like the biggest fuck up because he's made it clear to me how much he cares for me.

I just need to let my guard down a little bit. I will get hurt no matter what. I'm going to accept that fact. I don't want to, but I'm going to.

As I was thinking in the shower, I actually told myself out loud to stop doubting all of my relationships. I told myself that over, and over again. I'm done with messing good things up. I'm done.

Fit

So I've been riding my bike everyday for almost a week now trying to get back into shape. It's better for me to exercise in the fall because it's much cooler. This summer was way too hot.

Yesterday was a good ride. Kaitlyn, Roman and I did a big loop that eventually lead us to Caro Park.. we hung out there for about 20 minutes, and then headed back. Plus I started doing weight lifting; small ones, attempting to tone my arms.

I'm tired of being big, so once again I'm doing something about it. Since my self-discipline is back concerning exercising, I need to get on a better eating habit. So, that's next on my list of things to get down. I've got this!

Plus, I want to start jogging. Especially being able to jog with Brandan since he does everyday.. he's in amazing shape, and I want to look good like he does. He doesn't care how I look, but it bugs me that he's super fit, and I'm only a little bit fit.

So my journey has started.

On another note, I had a dream last night that I went into this one tattoo and piercing shop that was kind of like Bullet Proof, but not.. I went in to get another piercing. I thought about getting another cartilage piercing on my right ear, but then I was watching this guy get his ears gauged, and I was then contemplating getting mine gauged..

So, I think that's the next thing I'm going to do. I want to get gauges about as wide as my pinky first, just to see how it looks. Maybe bigger if I like the way it looks. I don't know, just a random thought.

Anyways, I'm done for now.

Baby..

You make my world go round.


I can't help but talk, and think about you all the time.

Dammit.

You got me good.

Go figure.

So, Brandan has the swine flu.

I was wondering why he hadn't called me in a couple days (he usually calls everyday). Plus, he didn't respond to my texts. Well, today I texted him to ask what was going on, and he said that he had been in the hospital because he was diagnosed with swine flu.

Of course, my first kiss had to be with him.. So Judy has been freaking out, "You're probably going to get it. Then all of us are.. you won't be hanging out with him for awhile.." and blah blah blah. She even called his dad to find out what was going on, ha ha!

Anyways, I thought that was kinda funny.. so my first kiss could turn into a slap in the face, ha ha! I feel fine though which is good. Brandan's at home resting.. a lot, which isn't surprising.

So there's my somewhat ironic story..

Oh, what an amazing day..

I got picked up at like 10:55 yesterday, and that's where the adventure started.

Brandan's parents needed to go to Post Falls to get cigarettes, so we drove their from my house. It was cool rocking out to Ozzy and Pink Floyd on the way there. Plus it was just nice holding hands with Brandan again.

On the way back to his house, his dad turned on country music, which was funny, but a Taylor Swift song came on.. Brandan not only likes metal, but he does like country too, ha ha! I don't care though.. but as the Taylor Swift song was playing, there's a line that goes, "So why can't you see, you belong with me," and he was singing it and looking at me.. it was pretty dang cute.

All I could do is sit there and stare at him. His eyes are so beautiful, and his smile pretty much makes me melt.. There's something about that boy..

We get back to his place, and he takes me upstairs to meet his sister, and then outside to see his huge great dane, ha ha! He has four dogs and a cat; they like animals, which is good.

So, after that we just kinda chilled, or at least we tried to; his little brother is the most spastic child I've ever met. It's okay though.. he was funny to watch, ha ha!

Later, we walked to the North Town Mall, and just talked about things. It was really nice because it was just the two of us. It was a beautiful fall day yesterday too, so the walk was nice. I hadn't been on a nice walk in awhile, and it was cool that I got to with Brandan.

We get to the mall and just kinda walk around. He didn't let go of my hand at all.. it was cute. He kept telling me he was lucky because he had an angel next to him, ha ha! Then of course I kept blushing; the reaction he was trying to get. Then he played this game called, let's see just how red I can make Carrera's face! Not a fun game for me, but he loved it, ha ha!!

Then, we headed back to his place. The walk back was nice too. He had his arm around me; it was nice. Everything felt like we were supposed to be together. It was weird, but a good weird.

We got back to his place, and we watched a movie. I don't remember what it was called, but it was a fighting movie. It was pretty cool. We cuddled, and I was about ready to fall asleep. I put my head on his shoulder, and then he put his on mine, and I was starting to dose off, ha ha! I just felt so comfortable, and warm in his arms. I wish I could live that moment over and over again.

I kept telling myself to kiss him, but then I'd chicken out. I did this throughout the whole time I was there. I had a million perfect chances to do so, but I failed each time. Then, I was about ready to, then he started looking around, and then all of a sudden, he grabbed the side of my face, and kissed me. It scared me because I wasn't expecting it, ha ha! I felt so embarrassed because I didn't know what to do.. but I kissed him back. My heart raced. He beat me to it.

Right after that, it was dinner time, and after we ate, we just kinda hung out. We sat back down on the couch, and we cuddled again. I stroked his hair, and he was holding me.. it was amazing. I hate saying this, but everything felt so right. I don't want to jinx this relationship, but it really did. I didn't want to go home.I could have stayed in his arms forever.

When they dropped me off, I hugged him for the 100th time.. and as he left, he looked back and said, "Remember.. I beat you.."


Yesterday was a good day.. I cannot wait until I get to see him again..

Colds suck.

But, I'm finally getting over mine. Thank the good Lord.

So, I got my tattoo! It looks amazing. I am officially addicted to tattoos! Plus, I got two more cartilage piercings.. so, I'm addicted to piercings also, ha ha!
(Top cartilage)

(Middle cartilage)


I pretty much feel like a bad ass with my tattoo.. not going to lie. It didn't even hurt. It's just sore now because it's trying to scab up.

It looks really good. I chose to have it red and black, and the colors pop like no other. I was scared to get the red because I've heard that a lot of people are allergic to the red ink, and that it'll fade right away, but mine hasn't, so I'm pretty glad about that.


It's been cool being able to show people too. I feel like a total rock star, ha ha! Now I just need another band.. it'll happen. I know it will. God has something planned.

Me and Brandan started going out on the 28th, and I get to see him tomorrow. I'm so excited! The first time we met, something clicked. It was amazing. I'm hoping that maybe things will work out, because I really like him. I know I've said that about the other guys, but for some reason, I had a different feeling about Brandan.

He's real. He won't hide anything from me, and he even proved that today which really meant a lot to me. So, once again, I'm putting this in God's hands. It will work out if God wants it to.

Overall, life has been good to me. =]

Boy. You have stolen my heart.

Damn.

Oh baby.

I want to kiss you all over.
I want to hold you until the end of time.
I want to look into your eyes forever.
I want to touch you.
I want to want you.

And I do.

Oh baby.
Oh baby, I want you..

Go along..

".. just think of it this way
I will keep holding on for you"

I thought I had forgotten..

Today in my Passages class, we were journaling. Our first journal entry really hit me hard.

It was about growing up; if I felt loved, and all that stuff. I thought about it for awhile.. and I remember not feeling loved by my mom. I started writing about that, and I started tearing up.

My mom and I get along great now, but it hurt thinking about how we never saw her growing up. I mean, we did, but when we did, it was for a brief time. It really upset me.

Our second journal was about junior high; another tough time for me. That brought up a lot of memories also. I remember going through a really hard time; I was depressed all the time, and I hated myself. That's even the time I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

Revisiting that stuff was pretty emotional.. I didn't go into all the details on here, because I did enough of that at school..

But I guess I can go back to this saying:

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm glad that I'm not where I used to be..

Dear Christian,

I got up too early today, so at about 12, I decided to take a nap. I kept waking up though because my dad was working in the shop, so I heard every noise coming from there.

I finally got to where I was used to hearing the noises. But I wish I would have just gotten up the last time I was startled awake by a noise in the shop..

I had a dream. A dream about Christian.

I had sent him a message about something on Myspace, just to try to be friendly again.. but then I saw him sitting kind of overhead from me. He had a book in his hand. He opened it up, and told me that he had written about my life in an incredible way.

As he sat and explained, the song "Let It Be" by The Beatles started playing. Then he started to read. As he was reading, the song still played, but I could no longer hear him talking. All I could hear was the song, and the sound of me weeping.. I could actually feel the pressure on my chest as if I was really crying, but I was very much asleep..

He kept reading on, and the music still played. I just looked up at him, and kept crying. There was nothing more to the dream. The pressure on my chest was still there, still seeming like I was really crying..

And then I woke up. I laid in my bed for a few moments and I was panting like I was just crying. I felt my face for tears, and there were none. As I sat there, I briefly thought about the dream, and then started crying..

I cried for about ten minutes. A real, hard cry..

I have no clue what to think about it..


Even though I'm mad at him for pushing me away, I still love him to death. I'd still do anything for him.

He's furious with me, and doesn't care about me, but I'm still there for him. I will always be. Being in a band draws you very close to your members, even if you don't realize it..

This whole thing was really hard for me to write.. still raw in my memory since it happened a half an hour ago.. don't know what to think, but I know that was in my top five for worst dreams..

I feel like I need another nap after that.

I want you.

I want you so bad.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.
I want you.
I want you so bad babe.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.
I want you.
I want you so bad babe.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
I want you.
I want you so bad.
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me ...

Just thought I'd share..

So, the garbage man comes to my area every Tuesday, and it's Wednesday today. Well, when I got home, I could have sworn I saw our garbage can, but I got the mail, and went inside because I had to go to the bathroom.. I forgot to bring the can in, but I was like, "whatever, I'll get it sometime today.."

Brittany gets home, and before she did, I went to my mom's house to grab something, and when I came back, I didn't remember seeing it or not. So Brittany gets home, and then I go to check the road and bring the garbage can in. I saw it wasn't there. I asked if she had brought it in, and she said she didn't. Then I go outside to check the place where we put the can, and it wasn't there either..

I felt insane because I could have sworn I had seen it today, but it vanished.. all my neighbors' can were still out by the road, but ours was missing.. so, today is the day I investigate the case of the missing garbage can..

One question: Who would want to steal a garbage can?..

You're so perfect.

Incredible.
Amazing.

Perfect.

I am crazy for you. But I shouldn't be.

You're so perfect.

No one even comes close. You have no idea.

But you're out of reach. Now isn't that how it always is?

Incredible.
Amazing.

Perfect.

Rain. Sun. Gone.

So it's the first day of senior year, and I really can't believe it at all. It's weird though, because dad and Jude are gone. They're usually here on the first day of school. They're in Oregon right now; they left Saturday morning, and will probably be back Thursday. Me and Britt have had to stay here to watch the house.

I feel really independent without them here. I kind of did a test on myself too over these past few days. I didn't try to clean up the stuff I had gotten out, but yesterday, I couldn't handle it, so I started cleaning the house at almost nine last night. I'm sure when I move out, my place will look nice.

Senior year.. it's crazy how time flies. It really is.

Capturing music.

That's how I want my photography to be. I want to capture music. Everything about it.

I want to show the playing music part of it, and heading to a show part of it, and even the production of it. I've been inspired by my pictures from the Mudvayne concert, and I thought that would be a cool project.

There are even some pictures of when I was still with Nothing To Gain that I thought captured it in a way.

I don't know.. random idea, but I kinda want to try it out.

No Look Back

"We're better off without her."

Thank you. Glad to know I meant something to you.


I finished my song. It sounds really good. Here are the finished lyrics;

I can't erase,
all the things you've said.
I don't see no point,
when it's already dead.
All the pain and the tears,
cloud the truth in your head.
Weighing you down,
like a jacket made of lead.

But I still carry that on my back,
even though you left me far behind.
You threw me your problems to watch my world crack,
no look back, no look back..

You called me a friend,
never thought it was a lie.
And when I needed you,
you left me hanging dry.
You ripped out my beating heart,
and left it there to die.
A mind you leave closed shut,
you left for me to pry.

But I still carry that on my back,
even though you left me far behind.
You threw me your problems to watch my world crack,
no look back, no look back...

The guitar to it makes it sound even better. I'm very pleased with it..


Dear Christian..

New eyes..

Things are changing around me. But the crazy thing is, is I can finally say it's all for the good. I've never been able to say that.

I've been playing a lot of music lately. I forgot how much I loved to just sit down and play my guitar. There's no stress to playing music anymore. I love it. I wrote part of a song today. The lyrics go like this;

"I can't erase,
all the things that you've said,
I don't see no point,
when it's already dead,
All the pain and the tears,
cloud the truth in your head,
weighing you down, like a jacket made of lead.

But I still carry that on my back,
even though you left me far behind.."

And the rest I'm still writing.

I've been looking for possible band mates. A.J. and Jake both messaged me about it, ha ha! Kind of ironic, but I don't mind.

So, I've been watching this seven part interview with Phil Anselmo on Youtube today.. really eye opening, and really sad. He was talking about his addictions that he's trying to recover from, and life in general. He's a really cool, yet mysterious guy. He's always been one of my idols. I admire his humbleness, and his dedication to music. He's been with music since he was 13: He's 40 years old now.

He talked about will, and love, and had this really great metaphor explaining both; how love is a jack-o-lantern, or something of that sort, that flickers, and eventually goes out. But once will is a part of that love, then the love turns into a lighthouse, that will always guide you back home.

I butchered it, but I tried, ha ha! The way he put it was beautiful, and so true.

Kind of made me think.. nothing really important, but I think a lot. That's what I do. I guess for some odd reason, watching that was an inspiration for me today with writing that song. The song is kind of about Christian. But, I personally think the lyrics are beautiful. It was good to get something that great out after trying once.. like I said, it's been quite awhile.

I think about the guys non-stop. I miss them. I was sad that I didn't play the big show with them a few days ago. I couldn't help but to go onto their profile and listen to their live songs; they sounded great. It made me cry. That night I had a dream about Christian and Taylor. I woke up sad, even though we were talking like buddies.

I had a rough day that day.. actually, my weekend didn't go that great.

Woke up from a dream about the guys.
While cleaning, my music was on shuffle, and they came up.
Got a bass amp, but my dad broke my bass.
Went to work on the car, got on the creeper, and rolled my hair in the wheel.
My knee kept getting shooting pains all through it.

Well, the list goes on, but I don't even want to keep ranting about it.

That stuff happened. I can't do anything about it. Moving on.


A new chapter of my life is being written. And it all started with,

"So, I left the band......."

Life in a mosh. Part 2

I was anxious for the show to come, even a few months before. I got the tickets for myself.. an early birthday present for myself. I think I deserved it, ha ha!

After the CD signing, I got something to eat.. even though I was not hungry. At all. I was too excited to eat, and still too shocked from meeting Mudvayne. Right after I ate, I left for the show. I got to the arena, walked inside, and I heard music playing already; a local band opening the whole show. They were about over by the time I got there. I went to get my wristband for going down to the floor, and when I got down there, I met up with Ty.

I was getting anxious, and about 15 minutes later, Bury Your Dead came onto the stage.

I had heard of them before the show, but I wasn't really familiar with their music. They were awesome! I enjoyed seeing them. It was music that I liked. Kind of hardcore, but not as much screaming as you usually hear in hardcore music.

After they played, Suicide Silence was next.

I didn't like them so much. Not the kind of music I generally like; pig-squeal vocals aren't my thing, ha ha! They just kind of sounded like noise to me.

Then, after them was a band I've wanted to see for awhile; Static-X!

The mosh pit was intense! They were incredible live, and I'd love to see them again. They had an awesome set list.

It felt like forever until they played, but it was worth the wait!

They put on an incredible show. Amazing stage presence. Plus, Wayne Static was pretty hot.. as usual. Him and his crazy hair!

After Static-X, I had to go get water because of how much moshing I did. A regular sized water bottle was $3.. ridiculous.. but I was too thirsty to care.

Black Label Society was up next, with the legendary Zakk Wylde!

I've never been a huge BLS fan, but they played a great show. Maybe if Zakk's voice didn't sound like an eighties hair band singer, I might have liked them more.

Nonetheless, they sounded pretty good. Zakk Wylde even played a five minute solo, which was really cool.


Well, they saved the best for last.. As soon as Black Label Society got off the stage, my heart started to race. I told myself I'd see them again, so there I was..

There I was seeing Mudvayne again!

The crowd was freaking out, and they kept chanting "Mudvayne! Mudvayne! Mudvayne!" so of course I joined them all. The crowd was so restless that there was moshing and fighting before they even came out onto the stage!

Ten minutes passed.. then all of a sudden, the whole place goes dark, and the intro to the L.D. 50 Cd was playing in the background.. Then the moment I was waiting for finally came! Out came Mudvayne!!

Instant grin on my face. I couldn't contain it. If I remember correctly, I think they opened with "Not Falling." The moshing started instantly. Chad walked out in his gorilla suit. Later he took it off though.

So much adrenaline was pumping through me, I turned into a crazy woman, and moshed like an animal.

The whole band destroyed! Ryan's bass playing was fu**ing incredible, just like last time. Greg's guitar playing was awesome, just like last time. Matt's drumming was amazing, just like last time. And Chad's vocals and stage presence were crazy, just like last time.

The played an awesome show. Great set list. Chad at one point said something like, "It's fu**ing great to see you all moving out there.. that makes us HAPPY!!!" and they started playing "Happy?"

And of course, like last time, he said something like, "I have one question to ask you all.. CAN! YOU! DIG IT! I can't hear you! I said, CAN! YOU! DIG IT!" and after the "intro," they played one of my personal favorites, "Dig."

Also like last time, "Dig" had the craziest mosh pit. It was righteous! I tired as much as possible to get as many pictures as I could of the show, but it was hard. Especially during Mudvayne. But, I'm glad I got a few.. not all my pictures are shown in this blog, but there are a good handful of them.

I'm blessed with a camera phone, ha ha!

This is my favorite, because Ryan, Greg, and Chad are all glowing blue.


So, I had an amazing day. I wish I could put life on repeat, just on that day.

Life in a mosh, is the life indeed..

Life in a mosh.

I love the feeling of waking up sore: moshing for 2 hours, and slamming into people.
I love the sound you hear for two days straight: the ringing in your ears from blaring music for about six and a half hours.
I love the feeling of wanting to throw up: the excitement of going to a kick ass show.
I love the smells afterward: yours, and other peoples sweat dripping off of you.

Oh, the life in a mosh is quite great indeed!


My neck is sore. My back is sore. My legs are sore. My feet are sore. My arms are sore. I've counted four bruises. One on my ankle; swollen up quite nicely. One on each of my arms. And the last one, on my thigh.

I can hardly talk without it hurting. I sound more manly than usual.. more raspy. It hurts to cough, and laugh.

The ringing was pretty loud right after the concert. After awhile, you start to get used to it. I'm used to it now. But, it's still there. I don't mind though.

Coming home, I was still dripping sweat. My hair was soaked, as were my clothes. But, it was 12 at night, and I just wanted to get to bed. It was funny hugging my dad.. he was kind of grossed out that I was all wet on my back. I took off my shirt. I smelled it, just for kicks, and it reminded me of the concert, which was no surprise. I know, I'm gross.

I plopped down on my bed, and basked in the already happy memories for ten minutes, and then passed out.

I woke up to the stench of myself, ha ha! My room smelled like a gross teenage boy's room. I wore deodorant, and even perfume. I even took a shower that day. But in the end, that once good smell turns not so good.

My day started off great. I woke up stoked for what the day was to bring, and it all happened to be the best day of my life. Hastings held a CD signing with Mudvayne, and if it weren't for Brandon's random idea to go to Hastings and get a Sims game, I wouldn't have been there. That's where I noticed the sign.


That experience was crazy! I had to take two anxiety pills before going to meet the guys. But, that still didn't keep me from freaking out. I waited in line for about an hour and a half. But once four o'clock came, here walks in Greg, then Chad, then Ryan, and Matt. On the outside I was calm.. almost too calm. But, on the inside, I was freaking out.


I was shaking so bad, my pictures turned out blurry, ha ha! I got up to Greg Tribbett, and that's where I lost all composure.. but on the inside. I handed him my L.D. 50 CD booklet to sign, and when he said hi, I couldn't even really say it back. It came out like, "h..." No "i" at all, ha ha! He gave me the booklet back, and I said thank you.. but I doubt he heard me. I couldn't talk to save the life of me.

Then, I got to Chad Gray.. that sexy, sexy man. I stared at him. Then when he was ready to sign my booklet, I looked down, set it on the table, and slid it to him. I was ridiculously embarrassed and nervous. He looks good with bleached hair.. but that's beside the point, ha ha!


And then, Ryan Martinie. My very close second favorite bassist in the world, next to Cliff Burton.. I was starting to lose it even more. I stared at him too, in disbelief. After I slid the booklet to him, and he signed it, he put out his hand, and said, "Nice to meet you!" and I shook one of my favorite bassists hands, and said, "nice to meet you too."


Then, I got up to Matt McDonough. Couldn't even look at him. Gave him my booklet, and right after he signed it, I tried to say thanks, but I couldn't get the words out. I had lost it completely. I couldn't imagine if there were five members.. I probably would have ran off before getting his autograph, ha ha!

The signing was over.. I walked off calmly, but I was freaking out inside. I wish I would have talked to them more like everybody else, but I probably would have made myself look like an idiot. I can say I kind of met Mudvayne, ha ha!

Here are Matt, Greg, and Ryan's signatures:


But I have to say, Chad's was more original!:

Such a nice black tooth, and bullet shot he has, ha ha!

That part of the day was amazing.. But the whole story isn't done just yet. I'll blog about the concert itself tomorrow..

When starting over is the best decision..

It's hard starting from the bottom again.
But then again, it's the best decision. The hardest, but the best.
It's time for a new journey.
Though my other journeys were great, I'm looking forward to starting something totally new and different.
A new project.
Something involving my passion for music; from blues, to metal.
Something that's going to grow significantly.
It's going to grow into something powerful.
It's going to run off peace, trust, passion, and most importantly, respect.
It's going to be something I pour my heart and soul into, and it gives back to me ten-fold.
No drama. No anger. Just pure music. Nothing more, nothing less.
For those who thought I gave up, I'll have you know this is just the beginning.
I'm set on this. There's no tearing this down.
I can't say when it will happen, but I can tell you that I know it will. God's got something for me.
He's got something great for me.

He always does..

I forgot just how much I loved music.
I've realized how truly sad that is.
So, I'm starting new with music itself also.
I'll learn to enjoy it.
I'll learn to love it.
I'll make it my passion again.
There will be no more stress in music to me anymore.
I'm going to write music for me.
It's not going to be a popularity contest anymore.
No more egos, no more heartache, and no more strains.
Just music.

That's all I ever wanted.

Sad dreams..

So last night, I had my first dream since I left the band about the boys. It was really sad. Taylor wouldn't look or talk to me, and neither would Austin..

The day I left, I asked Austin's mom if she could let me know when he got home so I could call him and talk to him to let him know exactly what was going on.. she never let me know. I take it he didn't want to talk to me.

I care the most about him, and I wish this wouldn't be this way. He has no idea how much I care for him, so I'm pretty hurt.

I know this was the right decision, but I'm still really sad. It has been hard.

I've decided that when I start my new band, I want it to sound like Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, and Pantera. A clash of those bands. I want our music to be bluesy, soulful, but still really heavy.

Someday it'll happen. I just have to keep strong.

It's been a hard day..

I left the band after Christian made an ass remark about something.. don't want to talk about it, but it pushed me over the edge. I had had enough. It even resulted in my dad walking in and giving Christian a piece of his mind.. of course Christian blew it off like, "whatever.. I don't care about what you have to say.."

I grabbed all the tickets and posters for the 28th show, and handed them to the guys, telling them I couldn't do it anymore. I was freaking crying in front of them, which sucked, but hell, this was a really hard decision.

It has been a real emotional day, and I'm glad it's all over. I talked to Taylor on the phone, and he couldn't understand why I didn't just talk to them about my anger, and opinions. He didn't understand how Christian treated me; him and Christian are best friends, and I told him it shouldn't be a struggle to be friends with somebody.. He just couldn't understand.

I asked Austin's mom to let me know when Austin got home so I could talk to him too.. I take it he didn't want to talk to me, because he would have been home by now..

I just couldn't take it any longer. I loved those guys, and I still do, but this was my breaking point; my point of no return. It's over, and it's time for me to heal, and get over it.

I can enjoy music now, instead of relating music to stress.. I missed music for what it was. I can go back to jamming out just because.

I'm in pain, but I know I made the right decision.

I guess this is not what I'm looking for..

Never mind the title, ha ha! It's kind of this thing that has to do with me writing that on random things.. but I can never remember doing it. It's weird.

Moving on.

Well, I guess I'll use that phrase again; moving on. That's what I'm doing. I'm moving on. I'm leaving the band. The August show will be my last show with them. I'm sad, but I'm excited to start new.. even though I'll be starting at the bottom again.. but that happens sometimes. Jason Newsted kind of had to, so I'm not the only one starting over again. Even the big guys go through it.

I'm starting new. I'm going to look for people interested in playing music, and making it a career. I will have control. But, I'll use my control differently than Christian. I won't abuse my power. I'll make my new band not only a metal band, but a band that works together.

So, I'm excited to try things differently. I'm going to miss playing with Taylor and Austin. I'll have a hard time watching them do things without me, but I'll get over it eventually..

I haven't told any of them yet that I'm leaving. I don't know how. I know for a fact that I want to tell Austin face to face, since I feel the closest to him.. but I don't know about Taylor and Christian..

Whatever way, I need to do it..

Wish me luck on my new adventure.

Through the eyes of an addict..

Today I went to one of my dad's A.A. meetings with him. I was nervous at first, but after awhile, I started to get into the feel. It was a very moving thing to experience.

It was a circle of about 10-15 people, just like I had imagined it. One by one, people shared their stories; how they're doing at the moment, how God has blessed them, and many other topics. The whole group talked.. when it came around to me, I was too shy to talk, ha ha! My dad laughed, and then he went.

He introduced me, and told everyone I was the person he goes to to help keep him accountable. He talked me up to the group.. I blushed the whole time. He also talked about the struggle I was going through with the band, and told everybody I was to shy to talk about it, so he'd do it for me.

Seeing and hearing everybody's struggles and accomplishments was really eye opening. It helped me to see that all sorts of people went through similar problems. Not all people were there for alcohol problems, but anger ones, and even narcotic problems.

It showed the realness of addiction, and how it affects each person differently.

When it was my turn to talk, I should have said, "Hi, I'm Carrera, and I'm a dweller, worrier, and a pleaser." I have problems without drugs and alcohol. It's kind of sad really.

Nonetheless, it was a moving experience. Some stories were even kind of sad. There was a lady who was an alcoholic that was only a day sober. It makes me proud of my dad for how well he's doing. Six months will be the 26th of this month. That's incredible.

It was very cool. Just thought I'd share my experience.

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance..

Difficult times try your ability to survive.. No matter if it's true survival, or trying to stay sane..

I understand how some girls feel when they stay with a guy they shouldn't stay with, but make up excuses for why they're still with the guy. Before it was unclear to me as to why a girl would stay with a stupid guy, but now I see it clearly.

It's a fear. It's confusion. It's the state of being torn. It's being indecisive. And most of all, it's neglecting how you feel, an neglecting your best interest. In all honesty it's being selfless. But sometimes it's the worst mistake you'll ever make.

Biting your tongue rarely helps. But once again, I've shot myself in the foot.. just like I always do. I didn't learn the first time, or even the second time for that matter. To tell you the truth, I didn't learn the 22nd time. The thing is, it's something you either have, or you don't have; two different personalities really.

The type who will speak their mind, and the type who will bottle it up until so much damage is done inside that the person can barely function.

I am a bottler. I commit feeling suicide every time something like this happens. But this time I'm not going to do that. I've caught myself this time. I'm not going to let myself do that again.

Now, think hard.. what could I possibly be talking about this time?....

Well, as much as this hurts to try to make a joke out of it now, I'm talking about Nothing To Gain. I'm talking about the pain I'm going through. I'm talking about a jackass of a band member, and a supposed "friend." I'm talking about the damn decision. The decision I'm trying to make. But it's not that simple.

See, this is where the selflessness comes in; the reason why I want to stay with the band is because I don't want to abandon them. We've come so far, and I don't want to put a road block in their drive to fame. I don't want to lose my friends. "This is what I want.."

But then again, my voice means nothing. I'm treated like shit. I am the one who feels abandoned, and I feel like no one cares about me at all.

I would do anything for those guys; even for the jackass. Anything. They have no idea.

I tried to make the band a "team" thing, not an "I" thing. I've given up a lot to be fair to them. I've bit my tongue. I've been walked on by the jackass himself. I've even defended him when people rip on him, but I'm really starting to believe he wouldn't do the same for me. I'm almost positive when I say that. It's really sad to be sure someone who claims to be your friend doesn't stick up for you.

He won't listen unless it's in his best interest. Great role model? No. I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve.. but it's for Him to decide..

I feel like the Jason Newsted in this Metallica. The "jackass" is both James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich. The "clueless one" is Kirk Hammett. And the "no one" is, well, no one. See, James and Lars both treated Jason like dirt. He had no say at all, and was constantly pushed away for no reason whatsoever. Kirk didn't do anything because he didn't care what happened. The "no one" did nothing because he was no one to James and Lars. Both James and Lars wanted it their way, just like the "jackass."

Unfortunately the jackass pushed me away like James and Lars pushed Jason away. After being pushed away, and after being told his voice didn't mean anything, Jason left Metallica. Though not as successful, he lived a happier life playing with people who respected him.

I've never felt more sympathy for Jason until now. I now see exactly what he was going through. The poor guy took the bull shit for a long time, but he broke on the inside.

It's a big decision. I don't think Christian will change. I love Austin and Taylor, but I can't do this anymore. This is what I want, but if I have to go through this every other month, then I don't feel like it's worth it. Taylor and Austin are worth it, but Christian isn't.

This isn't Nine Inch Nails; members include Trent Reznor alone. This is Metallica; members include four people. A band of people.. I think my days with Nothing To Gain are numbered.

It's all up to God. He knows what's going to happen. He has a plan for me, so once again, I'm putting this all in His hands..


Get Your Own Free Hypster.com Playlist.

Hopes and dreams..

Last night, before I went to bed, I was laying in my bed thinking, which is what I usually do right before bed. It helps me sleep better, because I think a lot; I think about everything, and anything. Random thoughts and whatnot.

Well, last night I was thinking about when I become famous with the band. I wonder how I'll act.. Whether I'll be a snob, or if I'll actually act like I said I would; like fame is no big deal. I don't necessarily want to be famous, but I want to get my music out there. "When I'm a rockstar.."

I hope I'm not one of those famous people who don't give a rip about how I treat other people; "I'm better than you.. you're lucky to even been able to lay eyes on me..." Stuff like that.

I want to be the kind of celebrity who lets all my fans add me on myspace, or facebook, and I want to actually talk to them. I don't want a myspace or facebook moderator who talks to my fans for me. That's where fame goes too far. I want to be real. I want to hang out with my fans after shows. Screw autographs! I'm just a regular person! But if I become famous, and a fan wants an autograph, then they're getting an autograph. No questions asked.

I wonder how I'll act if I'm getting bashed on by the paparazzi. If I do, then who cares, but I'll never know until it actually happens.

I don't want to be one of those celebrities who owns 600 cars, just because I can, and own 45 houses.. in different countries.. just because I can. I don't want to flaunt that stuff. I find that quite ridiculous..

So, I wonder how I'll be if it happens.. I hope I'll be cool. I hope I'll be real.

SLEEP deprived

I didn't get any sleep last night.. actually, the past few months, my sleep has been really weird. Sometimes I'll sleep great, and other times I feel like I'm an insomniac.

The weird dreams I keep having don't help, but what can a girl do?

Anyways.. just needed to vent about sleep. I'm doing pretty good besides that fact. Haven't practiced with the band much, but I've enjoyed "me" time. I've been catching up on art this summer. I've also been cleaning out, and organizing my rooms. I've been going through all my old stuff, and throwing things away; I guess I'm kind of preparing for when I move out.

It's crazy seeing all my old stuff; brings back a lot of memories. All my notes from back in junior high, my punk rock attire, my Mortal Kombat stuff.. good times!

I'm thinking I'm going to get a job when school starts. I want to enjoy my last summer vacation. I'm kind of excited to get a job.. but I'm not excited for the name tag, ha ha! People will be like, "what's your name?" and they'll say off-the-wall variations of it, to which I'm going to laugh at.

Whatever I guess.

The end.

I want to marry Kyle Sibert. True story.

I watch these guys all the time. I love them. This is one of their recent videos.. This would be me and Brandon for sure, ha ha!!




Mmmmm.. Kyyyyyle.. Ha ha!!

Throwing up.

Yeah, I won't go into that whole experience, ha ha!


Anyways.. I'm pretty excited for the Mudvayne concert.. I know everybody who knows me have already heard this about a squillion times.. (I used "squillion" just for Katie, ha ha!)

Well, I'm stoked, the end.

Peace out, Rock on


Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Oh man.

I bought a ticket for the Mudvayne and Static-X concert yesterday. I'm pretty much stoked beyond belief. Yeah. I got a floor ticket so I can mosh again! Good times, let me tell you what.

I also got a lot done on my Trent Reznor picture. I told myself I'd get it done by the end of the school year.. That didn't happen, obviously. It's starting to come together quite well. I'm stoked to get it finished.

I've noticed that I say stoked a lot. It's kind of ridiculous.. I think I say ridiculous a lot too, ha ha! Me and my silly words and whatnot.

Anyways, I'm off to draw some more.

Late night conversations.

Can be quite fun. Especially if it's with a guy who's attracted to you, ha ha!

This only happens every once in awhile. Yay for random conversations!

This guy is ten times more interesting. It's not the usual, "Hey, what's up?" It's like I'm having a conversation with an intelligent guy, ha ha! That's rare.

Anyways..

So, I think I'm going to go see Mudvayne again. I'm pretty stoked. They're coming with Static-X. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a heart attack if I go. I don't know if I've blogged about this already, but if I did, it just goes to show how excited I am, ha ha!

Anyways.. again.. I'm off to bed.

12:00: Music

If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break.
If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break.
When The Levee Breaks I'll have no place to stay..

-"When The Levee Breaks" by Led Zeppelin


.. bed time..

Good mourning

I had strange dreams last night. One, I don't really remember, and one I kind of do. The weird part about both of them was they were both about Kurt Cobain.

The first dream I don't really remember, but all I can remember was that it was about the picture I drew of him in first tri. All I can really remember is seeing it. Nothing more really.

The second dream was around the time of his death. It was in '94 when he killed himself, but for some reason I was the age I am now.. even though in '94 I would be about 2-3 years old.

I was in this huge place where there were thousands of people. People were hugging each other, and crying, and the whole amount of people were depressed. I was crying silently to myself. I guess I hadn't eaten, so somebody told me to grab food, so I did. I sat down at this table with the porn star Mary Carrey, and all I did was push my food around. My tears dropped into my food as I continued to push my food around.

Mary looked at me and said something like, "I know this is a big deal, but you really need to eat something.." and tears were running down her face also. Then the whole thing kind of faded out..

Not quite sure why these dreams occurred, but it was weird.. I guess I was just mourning over his death.

..What else could I write? I don't have the right
What else should I be? All apologies

In the sun, in the sun I feel as one
In the sun, in the sun
Married, buried

I wish I was like you easily amused
Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame..

-"All Apologies" by Nirvana

Get a haircut, kid

I'm thinking about cutting my hair shorter.. not sure if I'll follow through with it, but I'm definitely contemplating it. If I do, it'll probably be cut to about my shoulder.. which is probably about three inches.. Who knows.

I don't know why, but it was just a random decision. But then again, I love my hair long. It's perfect for my "job."

I don't know.. I guess I'll have to think about it some more.

First day of summer vacation..

So, my mom asked me yesterday what I was going to today, and then she started suggesting things like chillin', nothing, and sleeping in.. until 7:00, ha ha! I woke up right at 7:00 today.. Pretty ridiculous, I have to say.

This is my last summer vacation. It's weird to think that. Around this time next year, Britt, Brandon and I are going on our camping trip that we've been talking about since I was in 8th grade. Yeah, it's been planned quite a while now. I'm excited though. I can imagine us three right now with no parentals around, ha ha! Pure entertainment!

I'm almost a grown-up now. In a few months, I'll be 18. I'm excited, because I'm going to get a tattoo! I think that's the only reason I want to turn 18, ha ha! I'll probably end up getting a cross, maybe on my right shoulder, that'd be cool.

Anyways, I'm rambling.

Peace out, Rock on


Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Senior

That's what I am now.

I'm pretty much stoked.. not stoked about math because I think I failed.. but I'm stoked about being able to say I'm a senior.

Time is crazy. Really crazy. It seems to go by really fast. I feel like I just got out of grade school. I don't feel like I should be a senior because it feels like I haven't been in school that long.

Time goes by fast. Way too fast. Pretty soon I'll be out of the house, living with my boys, and touring the world. I'm still deciding what I'm going to do about college. I want to go, but I don't at the same time.

Maybe I'll go to an art school, or music school, or something like that. Who knows.. Whatever God wants me to do is what I'm going to do. He's the planner. It's in His hands.

Wow, it's summer. I'm going to get off and play some video games, ha ha!

Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

Yeah, well..

I'm sick of your bullshit!

You're an ass, and I see right through your lies.. fucking laugh at me.. I should have kicked your ass, you cocky jerk! Just should have knocked you straight on the ground! Then you'd cry like a baby, and then the joke would be on you!

The other three are fine, but you have to be an asshole and push me till I break. Even though I feel bad for what I did, you deserved it! You deserved more than that for 1: lying straight to my face, 2: being an ass every chance you got, and 3: attempting to turn this all on me. I could, and should have been ten times more of a bitch than I was!

Fuck you, dude! Sorry I assumed things, but you need to learn to have some respect! I know for a fact it wasn't you "just joking around," so don't even pull that shit on me. I'm not as stupid as you look.. you stupid fuck!

I'm sick of jackasses like you. Sick of the bullshit! I'm done. I tried to blow it off, and be cool, but you had to act like the cocky little bitch you are! Next time, I'm not going to be as nice. You think today was bad!? Well it gets worse, buddy, so "go ahead say it, don't forget I'm right here.. and listening..

You know what?
You know what!?

RUN!"

That feeling..

It's hard to bare.
It's controlling.
It's all I think about.

I've never felt it before.
I can't stand it, but I can..

It takes over quickly, like a trap.
I'm trapped in the thought.

Beat.
Me.
Down.
To.
The.
Ground.

That's all it does.
Never ending, and controlling.

Wow

I finally made up my mind.

I'm sticking with the guys. That's the end of it. We're going to start looking for another singer; Christian can scream fine, but he can't really sing.

I'm kind of excited to start playing hardcore. It's going to be a fun challenge for me, because bass is really fast in hardcore music.

I'm ready to stick with my boys until the end.

But, I'm still going to be writing my own music; I'll have my one woman band on the side.

This is going to work out perfectly.


Peace out, Rock on

Chazzy Chaz Hetfield

To Cry A Million Tears..

Crack, goes my back.
Broken for good.
Bleeding for eternity.
Tears rolling down my face.

I'm broken for good.

Nothing can un-break this heart.
Nothing can.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

Trust is a word I don't know.
Pain is tattooed onto my face.

Rejection is my lifestyle.
It kills me like a poison.
Slowly.

All I can do now is cry.
Cry everything away.
Cry away the blood.
Cry away the hate.
Cry away the pain.
Cry away the rejection.

All I can do now is cry.

The World That Broke Her Back

The world that broke her back,
Sits on her shoulders in flames.
Her flesh starts to tear,
But still she holds on.

Once again the problems take her down with them.
Twisting, and fighting like beasts, they crawl underneath her skin,
Pulling her from the only one she really knows;
Herself.

They're snickering, and pointing fingers.
They point fingers and blame her,
And she listens.
She listens to every single accusation.
To all the hypocrites, and all the liars.
She listens, and starts to believe the words being said.

The world shifts upon her back, and she is losing strength.
She still holds the world on her shoulders though,
Not realizing the harm being done to her.
The world is taking a toll, slowly and destructively.

Every move the world moves,
her skin is torn and bruised.
She feels it, but knows not how to put an end to this.
She faces the world that broke her back.

I used to know that girl.

Many months have passed..

Since the incident with my dad occurred, and things have changed drastically.

I'm in awe that I can say things have gotten better, because when this first happened, I felt like things wouldn't ever get better. There were points where I doubted faith, but God had shown me what His purpose was, and thanks to that, I've grown closer to Him. I've grown closer to my dad too, and Judy, and Kaitlyn, Brittany, and my mom.

My dad has been doing great. It's weird to look in the fridge and not see any beer, or any alcohol. He's not smoking pot anymore either. It's weird, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

He's a whole new person. He's fun to be around, and will now joke around with everybody instead of giving us all dirty looks all the time. He cries when he feels like crying. He has changed into a dad that I want to be around.

No more drinking, yelling, accusing, lecturing, and even hiding.

It's different now, and I couldn't be happier.

Searching

For a job.

Kind of nerve racking. But, kind of exciting at the same time.

I want a car, and a bass amp, and a million Cd's. I think getting a job will be pretty cool. I don't know why I wasn't motivated to get one sooner.

But, I'm motivated now to do it, so, here I go out into the world of work.. yay?

I had a dream.

I was falling into a green light.
Flames engulfed me.
I tried to scream, but all I could do was whisper.
I whispered secrets.
Deep, dark secrets nobody knows but me.

I hit ground, and lied there for ten seconds, then I got up and blood was running down my cheek.
I rubbed my hand across my face, looked at the blood, and then I looked up to a hole in the pit I was in.
There was light.
All of a sudden, the light starts to dim.

I feel a hand touch my face.
It was not my own, but it was the hand of a man.
He put his other hand on my other cheek.
He looked deep in my eyes, and my heart stopped instantly.
I fell to the ground.

I can still see him, as I lay on the ground.
He gets on his knees, and leans over me.
He rolls me over onto my back.
He looks into my eyes again, and I am able to breathe suddenly.

His dark hair was shining from the light above us.
His dark eyes gazed into mine as I started breathing again.
He looked to the side of me, as if he were shying away.
I grab his face, and move it toward me, and he leans closer to me.
I start to smile, but then I roll to the other side of him and push myself up.

I sit down a few feet from him, with my back almost directly toward him.
He comes in a little closer, and I can feel him looking at me.
I turn my head slightly toward him, and he turns his head away.
An awkward feeling fills the air.
He then puts his hand on my shoulder.

Suddenly, I'm in a place I've never been in.
It was bright, beautiful, and almost Heaven-like.
I panic for a second when I turn my head to the left and don't see him.
But, then I turn to my right, and he's right next to me.
I can see his whole figure now.

He looks at me and smiles; the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.
My heart stops again, but this time, only for a few seconds.
I gasp for air, and I'm able to breathe again.
He was an incredible thing to me.
His eyes were like nothing I had ever seen.
A deep blueish-gray.

As I looked into his eyes again, I began to feel as if I were in a trance.
So tranquil, and so surreal.
I was lost, and trapped.
Nothing I had ever seen pulled me in as fast as his eyes.

I slowly pull myself away from him, and I realize he's gone.

Then I woke up..



.. not really a dream I had, but it was a random thought..

My decision was made..

And I was confident.. for a little bit. Right now, I'm still not sure if I want to stay with the band. We had practice a few days ago, and it went okay, but for some reason afterwards, it felt weird.

It didn't help that Christian was being a jerk, and a hypocrite. It's hard to be in a band with him. It's kind of black and white; we either get along great, or not at all. It's frustrating because I try to be open minded, but he doesn't.

I want to get along with him, but it doesn't seem like he wants to get along with me. When this whole thing started, both Austin and Taylor acted sad about the fact that I was thinking about leaving, but Christian acted like it was no big deal.

I just need more time to think about this.. I'll say it again, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make..

When I look in the mirror.

I see a kid.

Everything about me, to me, reminds me of a kid. I'm not quite sure why that is though.

Maybe it's because I wish I still was, because I've grown up pretty fast. I'll be a senior next year, and that's a big deal. It's exciting, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm really almost 18 years old.

Maybe it's because I'm so short, ha ha! The mirror at my mom's is kinda high up, and I can only really see the top of my shoulders through it, so that might be it.

But, I'm just not sure.

That was my random thought of the day..

Number 60.

My 60th entry. Not bad. I don't write as much as I could, but maybe that's because I have so many different outlets.

One of which is art. I made a DeviantART account. If you want to check up on how my art has been going, then use the link below:

http://chaz-het.deviantart.com/

I update it every few days if I have drawn something, or written something. It's a pretty righteous site.

So, check it out if you're interested whatsoever.

That is all for now..

The world I made up.

There is this thing called the world; its name is Earth.

I live on it with these things called human beings. They aren't perfect; they like to lie, steal, cheat, and hurt. Sometimes they can be nice, but most times, that's not true.

There are 9 planets, or other worlds, not just Earth. Earth is just a fraction of this whole thing I call a universe. It's small, and meaningless compared to this thing I call God.

I believe in God. A creator. He provides me with unconditional love. It's nice to believe, because the humans can be cruel.

I live in a thing called a house. It's surrounded by things called trees; blooming, green trees. In theory, us humans believe that trees provide us with oxygen, which keeps us alive. We breathe in oxygen, and breathe out carbon dioxide. It's how we live. It helps us pump this substance through our body called blood, through one of the most crucial organs in a humans' body, the heart.

The heart can get broken through the loss of love, and it can also fail by disease, and other human problems.

There is this concept called death; one lives their life, and dies, lives no more, and birth is a part of all of this too. Birth is the beginning of the process, and death is the end.

But I believe there's more past death. The creator has a kingdom where His followers go after death. When His son comes down to Earth, he will bring all of His followers to His kingdom. This is what I believe.

I am a human being. I have flesh, which holds my body together. I bleed, and I cry, and I hurt, and this is how humans live.

We have eyes which help us to comprehend the world through a concept called sight. We have a mouth which helps us to comprehend the world through a concept called taste. We have limbs, arms and legs, which help us to comprehend the world through a concept called touch. We have a nose which helps us to comprehend the world through a concept called smell. We have ears which help us to comprehend the world through a concept called hearing.

Here on this world, humans like to destroy things, explore things, learn things, and even kill things. We like to figure out this world. We want to understand the question, "why?" We can't help to do this, as it's in our nature.

We study things. We study how things work, and even how they crumble to the floor helplessly.

Humans run on this thing called love. It's a relationship between different human beings, and is based around sex, pain, happiness, and even anger. We live off of this thing called love, and without it, we feel alone. Alone is merely a feeling. It's a feeling that creates pain in humans; to be alone is to have nobody to love you, or have no one to love. Without love, our hearts are broken.

In this world, there is a concept called modern society. It consists of culture, ethnicity, and image.

Image is the most important to the eyes of humans. The way the body is shaped, how a human reacts, and even how the body is mature sexually all create image. Sex is a major component to image, along with the image of the body.

On this world, humans live to obsess, to love, and to reproduce. We live to create and live goals, which are things that humans live for, and work toward.

Dreams are another part of a humans' makeup. Through a process called sleep, humans live in another world, called a dream. Here, humans are able to live in their own personal world. Like the real human life, it can consist of birth, death, sex, and other fantasies, but dreams are like open doors that allow the mind to move freely in a world that is different than others'.

But the question is what is real?

To every human being, this answer is and always will be different..

Scared of relationships?

Kyle obviously likes me, and it sucks.

He's cool and all, but I think that being friends is the only thing that happens. He hasn't told me he likes me, but he's doing the whole, "I haven't talked to you in a day, I miss you." and "You're just as cute as I remember."

It's kinda freaking me out because I've always seen him as just a friend, like a best friend, nothing more.

For some reason I feel like if I ended up liking him and dating him, that it would almost be like dating Leo, and that scares me. He seems like the clingy type, and I don't like that. I don't want another clingy boyfriend.

I just want a best friend out of him, but I don't know how to tell him.

Crap-ola.

Old friendships..

So, I looked up one of my old friends on myspace just recently, and I found him.

His name is Kyle, and we've been friends since we were both able to talk.

Holy crap, I have missed him so much! We've been talking a lot; about everything and anything. We've just been catching up, because it's been quite a few years since we've seen each other.

We've been talking about old memories, and all that good stuff. It's really cool. I thought it would be kind of awkward since we haven't talked to each other in a long time, but it wasn't at all. We were able to talk to each other like normal, and it is so cool!

I'm overwhelmed with joy, it's ridiculous.

He has nooooo idea how much I've missed him..

Everything I look at seems like art..

I'm not trying to draw you in by the title. This is completely true.

For some reason this random feeling came over me, like I was inspired by everything. As an artist of many types, I don't think I've ever felt like this; I've never been inspired by everything. It's really weird, and extremely hard to explain. You'd have to be me for a day to have the slightest clue.

Listening to Nine Inch Nails has been a big contributor to it I think.

I look at things and feel like drawing it. I even listen to songs and feel like drawing them too. Even listening to songs makes me want to write a song. I mean, this is happening with everything. It's the wildest feeling.

The thing that sucks is I have school tomorrow. I have to sit in a stupid class when I could be outside drawing, or writing music. Tomorrow is going to suck because I won't be able to focus at all. It's going to be ridiculous.

Wow, what a crazy cool feeling. I'm excited to go to bed just so I can daydream without any distractions. I like to daydream. I do it quite often too.. sometimes I do it too much. It's a great escape from reality, and right now, the band.

But, I think I know what I'm going to do concerning the band; I'll stick with them and try out being hardcore, just so I can say later, if I do end up leaving, that I was open minded about it. I think that will help me find out altogether what I want..

Trying to run from the decision I have to make..

It's not getting any easier trying to decide what I should do concerning the band.

It's been a few days since I got the call, and my head is starting to hurt from trying to figure out what exactly I want more.

I love my band with every part of me, and I think I would regret leaving them, since we've gotten so far. That band is a part of me, and I know I helped get it to where it is now, and I don't want to lose that.

But, I love metal too. I was born listening to metal, and it owns a majority of my heart, music wise. I love to play metal, and I love just about everything about it. I'm thinking about leaving to start a metal band. But, I think I would regret it, like I would regret staying with Nothing To Gain.

Not once has this whole thing been off of my mind. It's always there. But this is probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I could stay with the band, in hopes that it would grow on me. Or, I could leave to form a band that plays music that I know I like.

I still don't know..

Change.

It's very hard to see.
Just what you can offer me.
To go a different way.
Almost with closed eyes.

Change.
It's very hard to tell.
What it is going to sell.
It's time for a change.
It's time for another change..

I think change is the most difficult thing to have to go through. I've been through a lot, but who hasn't?

Christian and Taylor called me today about change. About going in a different direction: The hardcore direction.

I was pretty upset, and was holding back from crying so bad. Of course my voice was cracking, and shaky. I told them how I felt: How I felt like I had no voice, and it was correct. I want to play metal, and they didn't, and I told them I felt as if it were unfair. Especially since Christian has all the voice, and I told him that I thought it was unfair also because he uses the "I've got the place where you practice" and that's why gets the biggest voice.

I'm really upset right now.

I'm in the crossroads of "Am I going to stay with these guys? Or am I going to pursue what I know that I want 100%?" And it's a really hard decision.

I like hardcore, and it's growing on me more and more, but I don't want to be classified as hardcore and nothing else. I told them that too. Taylor said not being able to be classified as anything could be a bad thing, and I agreed, but it could also be good, because we wouldn't end up like Metallica when their sound changed. I don't want to hear "SELLOUTS!" all the time like Metallica did.

Christian had told me that if I wanted to do this, I would probably have to start playing with a pick. That hit a "raw nerve" for me. I told him straight up that was bull crap; I shouldn't HAVE to conform to the "new" bass ways. Another thing that got me upset.

I'm willing to build my fingers to make them stronger, and faster to be able to play this stuff, and I'm going to have to learn all the scales, which is okay with me, but I will not stop playing how I'm playing.

I told them to give me time to decide what I want.. and let me tell you, it's a very hard decision..

A quiet night.

It's nice.

My mom's gone, and my sister's in bed.

Just catching up on a few things is kind of nice. I'm listening to Nine Inch Nails right now. I'm going through a phase where I'm listening to a lot of them. I like them, or him, because it's a one man band.

Every time I listen to them, I get inspired to draw, or write music. I just recently wrote lyrics for a song. It's on this blog.. It's called "The Plan," but I'm going to change it to "Raw Nerve." It's kind of cool. Different than my other lyrics.

I have a picture started (and very far from finishing, ha ha) of Trent Reznor, who is the main man in Nine Inch Nails. I brought it over here to my mom's house to try and get more done on it.. that didn't happen. Actually, I ended up taking stuff off of it, ha ha! It's a pretty big picture too. It's probably almost a foot tall, and about eight inches wide. I think it's the biggest picture I've drawn.

But, enough about that. I'm feeling a little better than yesterday, luckily. I'm looking forward to going out with the family tomorrow. We're going to go out into the wilderness: our favorite place to be.

Listening to this song right now is calming.. it's called "Hurt," by Nine Inch Nails.

I'll conclude this blog with some lyrics from the song I'm listening to:

I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real..

I need to get away..

That's what I've decided.

Away from school.
The band.
Friends.
Family.
And everything else that isn't JUST ME.

I'm tired. I'm burnt. And I need time to breathe.
I feel overwhelmed. I'm stressed.

I don't feel myself. I feel like a robot right now.

I feel like I'm constantly moving, but I'm not getting anywhere.

I'm just stuck.

Burnt is the perfect word to describe it. Just, burnt.

I don't want to deal with people right now. I just want to sit back and deal with my own problems right now, not everybody else's.

I just want to drop everything for a week. Give myself time to think, and breathe, and to get away from my robotic state right now.

I'm done!

No more!

Confronting the past.. part II

*I look at the clock.*

Dad should be here any minute now.

"Hey Brittany, should I bring over some Barbies?"

"Yeah. I wanna play again."

"But this time, I'm going to use the red car, cuz you got to last time, and now I want to."

"But I didn't get to play with it long."

"But I didn't get to yesterday!"

"Fine."

It's my turn.

I wonder if he's here yet..

*I walk out of the apartment, and I see dad start to pull up.*

"Dad's here!"

"Okay."

"Hi daddy!"

"Hey girls."

"Hi dad."

"Well, let's go now, so I can catch the liquor store before it closes."

Again?.. Didn't we just do that yesterday?..

"Okay.."

*A couple hours later.*

"H-hey girls! Come in here.. in the kitchen!"

It's lecture time..

"Yeah?.."

I wish I could run away..

*He talks away. His voice starts to raise. His eyes are getting red, and he's squinting.*

I can't hear you.. I can't hear you.. I can't hear you.. I can't hear you...

*Hours pass. The bottle is almost gone.*

I can't hear you. I can't hear you. I can't hear you!!!

*He keeps talking, and taking shots. Vodka. Vodka. Vodka.. He starts to stagger.*

"Dad, I'm tired, it's 11."

"Hold on, I'm not d-done talking. Just listen... to me."

*My eyes get heavy.*

I need to run away.

*It's 11:30 now.*

Finally. He's done talking. I'm free.

*I head to bed, halfway in tears..*

Confronting the past..

*buzzer goes off*

*suddenly, I awaken. I yawn.*

7:00 a.m. Time to get ready for school.

"Brittany, wake up, we need to get ready fer school.. *no movement*.. wake up!"

*I pull the covers off her, and poke her a few times*

"Wha-what? School.. I'm.. up."

"Lemme down first.. *I climb down the ladder*.."

"Carrera? Do you see bear?"

"No, I think he's with Super Brittany.."

"Yeah.."

*I walk to my dresser, and pick out random clothes, and so does my sister*

*I get dressed, then head to the bathroom*

*I get out of the bathroom*

"I don't think there's any more bread fer breakfes.."

"Oh.. I'm hungry Carrera.."

"We don't have anything ta eat."

.. Again..

"Dad's still sleeping.."

.. Again..

"My tummy is growly Carrera.."

"Mine too.."

*I go to sit on the couch*

"Good morning Shadow."

*I pet the cat*

.. I'm really hungry..

.. I wish I'd stop shaking..

"When is dad gonna fix the fridge?"

"I dunno.."

"Carrera, I'm hungry."

"Me too."

"Why don't we have food to eat Carrera?"

"I dunno."

.. I wish I could just run away. I wish me and Britt could run away. And Super Carrera, and Super Brittany would come too. And Crash would come too. And Nicky and Abby, and Shadow..

"We need to get to the bus stop."

"Okay.. bye daddy.. *Brittany whispers as she's walking out the door.. he's in the bedroom down the hall..*

*Carrera sighs..*

The Plan

I've got a plan to destroy.
I've got a plan to destroy.
I've got a plan to destroy my everything.
I've got a plan to destroy my enemy.

I've got a plan to explore.
I've got a plan to explore.
I've got a plan to explore my everything.
I've got a plan to explore my enemy.

I've got a plan to escape.
I've got a plan to escape.
I've got a plan to escape my everything.
I've got a plan to escape my enemy.

Searching.
Searching.
Breathing.
Breaking through my skin.

Running.
Hiding.
Fighting.
Kill the hatred within.

You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.

You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!

How much more can I take?
How much more can I take?
How much more can I take from all of this?
How much more can I take till you dismiss?

How much more can I hurt?
How much more can I hurt?
How much more can I hurt from all your words?
How much more can I hurt from the useless words!?

Searching.
Searching.
Breathing.
Breaking through my skin.

Running.
Hiding.
Fighting.
Kill my hatred within.

You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.

You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!

I won't fall to your feet..

I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm slipping, and losing all that's me.
I'm hanging onto lost hope.
I'm slipping, and screaming, LET ME BE!

You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to make me blind.
To make me deaf.
To make me bleed.
But I won't bleed for you.

You hit that raw nerve.
It's enough to stop the pain.
To make me sane.
To make me scream.
But I won't fall to your feet no more!
No more!
I won't fall to your feet no more.
No more!
I won't fall to your feet, I'm through with this.